Page 88 of The Best Book Boyfriend
“Moving on doesn’t mean letting go, Luke. It means living in the now and not staying stuck in the past. You’re allowed to want to look to the future.”
“And you’re allowed to get your dick sucked,” Rob calls over from the sink, ducking his head when Granny throws her napkin at it.
“It could be worse my boy,” says my Granny with an elbow to my ribs. She jabs her thumb over her shoulder. “You could be like this one here, disgusting fella so he is.”
“I think Kara is terrified of being with someone and getting hurt, andI’mterrified of being with someone and getting hurt. But I just don’t think I can hurt any more than I do right now. She’s been on all these dating apps and every time she meets one of these guys I worry I’ve missed my shot. I don’t know what she’s looking for, but I want it to be me. Except I’m pretty sure she thinks I never want to date again.”
“Why would she think that?”
“She knows how much Heather meant to me. We’ve spoken about it a lot. I haven’t exactly been givingI’m ready to datevibes.”
“Oh, deary me.” Granny slinks back into her seat just as I push mine back from the table, suddenly feeling crowded in.
“I can’t keep going like this. I have to tell her how I feel.”
“Yeah, you do!” Rob cheers.
“Even if she doesn’t feel the same, at least it’s out there.”
“When are you gonna tell her?”
“Today. I’ll go round and see her when I get back.”
“Good lad,” says Rob, drying off his hands and wrapping his arms around me in the tightest squeeze, then lifting me out of the chair. “No time like the present, go and get in the car.”
Granny Annie gives me a big squeeze and helps me back into my coat, even though she has to reach up high to do it. She still does my zip up like I’m off to my first day at school. “And make sure you bring that lassie here soon so I can get a good look at her.”
Chapter 36
Kara
It’sastrangesensationto be so clear-headed after months of confusion.
I want Luke. I have no idea how I’m going to tell him, or even if I’m going to get the response I want, but I know I have to tell him soon.
The words are going round in circles, so I throw on my trainers, hoping that the clarity of a run will mean I’ve got a plan by the time I get home.
The morning showers have come to an end and I gorge myself on that beautiful petrichor scent that drifts up and fills my nose. Thoughts come thick and fast as I pound the pavement down to the bottom of my street, rounding the corner towards the park I like to run laps in.
“Hi Luke, I know you told me you never want to be with anyone other than your wife, but is there any chance I can convince you otherwise?”Bit formal.
“I’m scared, but I don’t want to be single anymore.”Pathetic.
“I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you so much. Please, please, please say you feel the same?”Desperate.
“Will you go out with me?”Am I fourteen years old?
“I think I love you.”I’m going to cry.
How do people do this in real life? It seems so much easier in books. How will I ever be able to tell him about my feelings when I can’t even explain them myself? Halfway around my route, I have the gut-wrenching realisation that Adam and I never spoke about our feelings. Surely we must have, but I wrack my brains and struggle to recall a single conversation where we sat down and talked about emotions.
He never told me how he was feeling, and I never told him. It seemed normal, we just weren’t afeelingskind of couple. Is it any wonder his departure blindsided me?
He was the love of my life, I would have sworn I knew him so well, but I also couldn’t tell you a single thought the man had in his head beyond what was happening at work, and what DIY project we’d be tackling next. Yes, we had our whole life planned out, but we were going down the most obvious, logical, predictable path without ever stopping to check if it’s what the other one wanted.
I’ve blamed myself for him leaving without me noticing we’d drifted apart, but how on earth would I have known? No clues, no change in his behaviour or attitude. I was never getting the whole of him in the first place. God, I should have paid for therapy when he left.
So we weren’t a feelings couple, but I knowIam a feelings kind of person. Oh boy, do I have a lot of feelings, and I want to be with someone who lets me embrace them all no matter how messy they are. I want to be with someone who I can talk to for hours and never get bored. And also someone I can sit quietly and read next to without being judged or interrupted. I want someone who is there through good and bad, and someone who makes me laugh. Someone who loves me as much as I love them and never gives me reason to doubt it.
