Page 67 of The Best Book Boyfriend
Chapter 28
Luke
OnMondayKaracomesto see me at Sunshine, just as I’m closing up. She looks gorgeous as usual, her hair in a high ponytail, and all I can think about is how much I want to press my face into her neck, breathe her in, then kiss her and hold her close.
She looks tense, hands clasped together in front of her waist, mouth opening and closing while she finds her words. I hate seeing her this way, when she’s normally open and relaxed around me. I extend my hand to her usual table, but she doesn’t move.
“I can’t stay long,” she says, eyes to the floor. “I just came to say sorry.”
“For?”
“For my behaviour recently. Well, ever since I met you, really.”
My throat feels dry, my tongue too big for my mouth. “You’ve got nothing to apologise for, Kara.”
“I do. You were really clear when you said you can’t imagine yourself with anyone except Heather.”Did I say that? When did I say that?“And I just bulldozed my way through that and disrespected you.”
“Kara, that’s not—”
“Please let me finish.” She holds up a hand and takes a deep breath. “I wanted to say thank you, again, for my birthday. I had a really good time, it was a very sweet surprise, and I wanted to make sure you know I’m not mad at you, or Megan or Hattie about it. I’m sorry, again, that I took things too far by kissing you and then…” she’s as stuck for words as I am, and I can’t help looking at her beautiful lips and wishing I could spend the day exploring them with mine.
“I really hope our friendship can survive it, because I like having you in my life, Luke.”I like having you in my life so much.“I’m so glad we’re friends. I promise I won’t cross that line again.”
I can’t do anything except nod, afraid of what I’ll say if I open my mouth, and she just keeps going, ripping my heart into pieces.
“To be honest, I’ve found all of this really confusing. I think because I had the anniversary of Adam looming, and I know I need to get on with my life, I just needed to get past that milestone. Then what happened between us made me realise I should probably stop being such an introvert and start getting out there a bit more. Going on a few dates and stuff.”
I think I’m going to pass out.We spend the most amazing night together, and it sends her running to meet other guys. This cannot be happening. I knew in my heart that even if it was only a one night thing I’d still have been so lucky to have that. I was so stupid to believe it might have been the start of something more.
“I wanted to clear the air before book club next Wednesday,” Kara continues, “so things aren’t awkward between us.”The rest of my life will be awkward if I never get to kiss you again.“I’ve missed you Luke. I’m sorry I was so awful to you. I’ll be a better friend from now on, promise.”
She drives the knife in further. This is not what I want at all. I don’t know how to be friends with this amazing, beautiful woman who I can’t stop picturing naked in my bed at night.
“Are you OK?” she asks. “You’re not really saying anything.”
I know she needs an answer and I struggle to keep my voice even. “I’m OK, just listening. I hear what you’re saying. Air cleared. Friends.”
She breathes a sigh of relief, her face instantly lighter while I am crushed. “So, are you enjoying the book?”Great, we’re making small talk are we.
“I’ve not started it yet,” I lie. I have, and I hate it. I can’t read about people falling in love and having hot sex right now. I can’t read any of this stuff without wanting to do all of it, and more, with Kara. It’s torture.
“OK, well I’ll let you get on then. You can crack into it when you get home.” And then she’s off out the door, waving goodbye. “Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.”If only I could find the courage to tell her my actual thoughts.I want her so much, but if the only way I can have her in my life is as a friend then I’ll just have to get used to it.
Rob rings me up later in the week, the vibration of my phone snapping me out of a trance. I’ve been lying on the sofa staring out at the garden for who knows how long.
“Hey,” my throat croaks.
“Hello, mate. Just ringing to see what you want to do for Heather’s birthday?”
I check the date on my watch. Shit, it’s in five days.Had I forgotten?No, I can’t have forgotten my wife’s birthday. I can’t be that much of a bastard. I’m sure I’ve just been distracted with the shop and everything.Oh, fuck.I’m the worst person on the planet. I hadn’t realised it was coming up so soon.
“I don’t really feel like doing anything.” I lie.
“Hey man, I know she was your wife, but she was my friend, too. We all miss her, so I think we should do something.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I can’t believe this. The light through the window shimmers, the room spins, everything blurs in and out of focus. “Fuck, I think I’d forgotten, my heads all over the place at the minute.”
“Do you want to go up to the meadow? We could have dinner, or we could just get a pint?” My chest feels tight. When did I last go to the meadow? I can’t remember.How can I not remember?
