Page 170 of Cruelest Contract
Matthias, not one to willingly accept a favor from anyone, hesitates. But Angelo takes the offer without thinking twice, which forces Matthias to mumble out the word, “Thanks.”
When it’s time for me and Julian to see my brothers off, his three brothers tag along as well. Julian insists on wrapping his warmest jacket around me before I walk through the front door.
Matthias stares at the way Julian zips up my jacket and then holds me close to his side. I could swear he seems a little wistful, perhaps thinking of how he was once in love. Then he blinks and the melancholy disappears, as if he’s chased it away.
For better or for worse, tragedy marks you forever. You get severed from whoever you were in that time of before. And whoever you might have been is lost. There’s only the changed version left behind.
But there are things I’ve learned only recently that I’d like to share with my big brother.
It’s okay to love with your whole heart even as you mourn the lost. In fact, youshoulddo this whenever you get the chance, no matter the risk.
Each day is a fleeting gift. To squander it is a crime.
“We should keep in touch more,” I say to Matthias.
He nods. “You’ll tell me when those babies show up?”
“I will.”
His eyes fall to my stomach, then return to my face. “I got to hold you the night you were born. You were crying but then you stopped and just stared at me. I held you for long that my arms started to hurt but even then I didn’t want to give you back. Did I ever tell you that?”
“No. But I’m glad you told me now.”
Matthias gives Julian a nod of acknowledgement and then hops down the porch steps. He walks briskly to the rental car without looking back and I’m left face to face with Angelo.
Meanwhile, Julian’s three brothers have wandered off the porch to give us a little privacy. They’re having a look at the moonless sky and talking quietly. The temperature must be hovering around freezing but none of them appear to be bothered.
“Go easy on that leg,” I say to Angelo.
He shrugs. “I guess it’s some kind of miracle I avoided getting shot up until now.”
The twins are always more active after a meal. Right now it feels like they’re starting a rock band in my stomach. Rubbing a hand over my belly, I look up at my husband and hope what I’m about to say is all right with him. Julian kisses my forehead and I take this as a sign he won’t mind my next words to Angelo.
“Hey, I know how you feel about the smell of cow shit but maybe you’ll come around and visit us once in a while anyway.”
Angelo glances at Julian and then back at me. “Maybe I could wear, I don’t know, fucking nose plugs or something.”
“I’m sure we can arrange that,” Julian says.
Angelo sniffs out a laugh. Then his chuckle fades and he peers carefully at my face. “Take care of yourself, little sister.”
“You too, Angelo,” I tell him.
Life is nothing if not unpredictable.
Angelo and I have never gotten along. For most of my life I’ve despised him. But the bonds of our childhood and our shared traumas still connect us.
He remembers the things that I remember, the good and the terrible.
The roar of our father’s laughter.
The homemade biscotti perfected by our mother.
The calamitous evening at the vineyard.
The way Gabriel loved magic tricks and computers long before he became a monster.
And my throat tightens with emotion as I watch my brother limp away.
