Page 31 of A Spinster for the Rakish Duke
“It doesn’t matter. I should have known better. I am smart and educated, and I told myself that love just wasn’t for me. It was silly to think that there would be some sort of exception.” The harshness of her words was not softened by the tears that cut through them. In fact, those tears made the words that much sharper. Donovan was left devastated in the dark as Emma returned to the ball.
Chapter Twenty-Two
After Emma returned to her home with Mr. Dole, she was unsure of where to go and what to do, her mind and heart tearing her in two different directions. She desperately wanted the one she loved to soothe her, but every time her heart would lead her mind in that direction, it would make her break down all over again.
Emma had little memory of the carriage ride home or that night as she retired. She was so emotionally and physically exhausted that the haze did not lift until she woke the next morning. There was a small silver lining that greeted her when she awoke, a letter from Martha. She would be arriving early the next day. Emma didn’t bother writing a response as her sister would arrive before Emma’s letter would. The elder sister was more grateful than anything though as Martha couldn’t be coming at a better time.
Aunt Barbara seemed rather put off at Martha’s sudden arrival. “I don’t see why she has to visit so early; the wedding is so soon.Martha would have been here in two weeks. Couldn’t whatever business you have wait?”
“It is a private thing, a sisterly thing Aunt Barbara. I’m sure you would understand,” Emma said gently.
This caused her aunt to go quiet on the matter. She didn’t seem appeased, but she no longer challenged Emma.
Emma was excited to see her sister, but that excitement soon petered out when she saw how difficult it was to act with excitement in her current emotional state. They greeted one another outside the home, Aunt Barbara giving her niece a polite wave from the doorstep before she returned to whatever was occupying her time that day.
“Oh, Emma, something happened?” Martha asked earnestly.
Emma simply nodded in return, gesturing for her sister to follow her inside. They moved to Emma’s bedroom as it was the only room in the shared home that could ensure their privacy.
“So much has happened,” Emma told her sister. “I had so much to tell you before, but at the ball last night... Oh, it has become such a disaster.” Emma practically folded on the bed.
Martha was caught off guard by all this. Her older sister had always been the pragmatic one, the pillar of common sense inthe family, but now she was unable to pull herself and her emotions together.
“Emma, please, tell me what happened. I want to do whatever I can to help,” her sister said gently and encouragingly.
Emma only hesitated a moment. Usually, she was very private, but she had been holding so much in as of late that it simply bubbled over now that Martha was here. She almost felt like she couldn’t stop it. She told Martha the whole story, from the first kiss to the slow build to her eventual love affair. Finally, it ended with the revelation from the night before, the truth of Donovan’s identity.
To Emma’s surprise, Martha seemed a bit excited, even a little happy. “Don’t you see, Emma? This is good news. If Donovan is a Duke, then you can marry the man you love. He can help find Benjamin just like he was trying to before; he has all the resources you need. And Aunt Barbara can’t object to you marrying a gentleman of such pedigree. Mr. Dole doesn’t even compare,” Martha assured her, or she tried to assure her at the very least.
“That is good news, I suppose.” Emma frowned. “I want to think about it like that, but I can’t understand why Donovan would lie to me. What reason could he possibly have that I wouldn’t understand?”
It was Martha’s turn to frown, and she thought for a moment. “People lie for many reasons, Emma. I’m not saying you can’t be hurt. Even if someone does something for what they think is agood reason, it can still hurt you. But maybe you could find out why before you come to any conclusions.”
“It's so hard not to let my mind jump to the worst places, Martha. Is there ever a good reason to lie?” her elder sister asked, eyes pleading.
“Good reason? People lie because they are afraid, Emma. It's hard to hold fear against someone as it tends to hold us from the ones we love. People also hide behind fear to protect themselves, using lies to reinforce the wall. So, I guess it depends on what Donovan was afraid of,” Martha said while taking a seat next to her sister on the bed.
“And will it ever hurt less?” Emma asked Martha.
“It may take more time than you or I would like, but it will eventually hurt a little less someday, then a little less the next day, and then eventually there will be more good than bad. That’s how it felt when my first husband betrayed me as he did. But then I found my new husband and my new family. The right thing will come along, and you’ll know when it does,” Martha assured her with a comforting pat on her leg.
Emma leaned on her sister and cried softly. She cried in sorrow and anger and frustration. But most of all, at that moment, she cried in relief. Her family were always the ones who made her feel better in the end.
After a long, few moments, her tears dried. “I’m sorry, Martha.”
“Whatever for, Emma?” her sister asked.
“For crying. For putting my emotions onto you like this. I’m the one who is supposed to take care of the family. It honestly isn’t right of me to burden you,” Emma explained, being honest about the guilt she was feeling.
“Emma, you do so much for this family. It is all right to need help too. All those times when you needed help and didn’t ask for it. We want to help you now, all of us,” Martha said sternly as if it were her turn to scold her elder sister.
“I do need the help,” Emma admitted, voice filled with resignation. “I don’t know what to do about my fast-approaching wedding day. Even if I can find it in my heart to forgive Donovan, Mr. Dole is just so... pitiable. It’s like trying to usher a mouse outside on a cold winter’s night. I don’t know if I have the heart,” she told her sister.
“But he isn’t a mouse, Emma; he is a man. He will survive. And if I am wrong, women are not meant to marry mice all the same,” she said resolutely and with a hint of humor. The humor disappeared though when she added, “Trust me, dearest sister, you don’t want to end up in a marriage with someone you don’t love. We can tell ourselves a lot of convincing lies in order to make the easier, more comfortable choice, but your instincts understand the truth of the matter. If something is telling you not to marry this man, then you probably shouldn’t,” Martha reassured her.
Emma smiled weakly. “If my understanding of your advice and perception of the situation is correct, Martha, you are saying that I have no problems, and everything will be just fine?”
Martha thought about it for a moment. “That does seem to be the conclusion I came to. You must admit that you are one to over worry. Also, I am rarely wrong,” she said, clearly speaking playfully.
