Page 45 of Magic Hunted
“You tried to break our bond?” Savvas whispered. My stomach lurched when his voice cracked.
I sat up, muscles aching to my bones. I’d pulverized myself with the magic. Whatever I’d sent to the barrier had lashed back at me. I didn’t know why I kept having visions, but they connected to the misuse of magic and my ability—or lack thereof—to die.
What was worse than crushed bones brought on by a tidal wave of magic, was that I’d failed to set them free and by the look of horror dawning on their faces, they knew it too.
“It’s for the best,” I wheezed, voicing my mantra. The ache in my chest cramped as their soul-light pulsed beyond the barrier. They would see I was right. Sooner or later they’d realize that bonding me would be the biggest mistake of their lives. And when they did…I wouldn’t survive seeing the devastation on their faces. The rejection would come. It was better to suffer through this now rather than later when my feelings had more time to develop, because fuck me, I already had feelings for them. Feelings I shouldn’t have.
Savvas drove his fingers through his hair. A line appeared on his brow and his eyes grew luminous with confusion. “You really don’t want to bond?”
The cramp in my chest became a fist that tightened around my heart. I pushed from their arms, scrambling to my feet, backing away until my back hit the table. “You’ll thank me when you’re not being ruled by it.” My words were hollow, the lie thickening the air between us. If I repeated it to myself often enough, I might believe it too.
Three pairs of eyes tracked my every movement. They’d fallen to their knees around me and now they stayed on the floor. Surrounding me with their bodies, their scents and their inability to see the truth.
“Do you think we’ll be better off without you?” Dias said, a knot forming between his brows.
Of course they would be better off. On so many levels. Why couldn’t they see that? “The bond is tricking you. Making you want it.”Making you want me. “Brais already died because of the bond and the same thing will happen to you if it’s completed. I thought I could…my magic, it’s strong enough to break it. I just have to learn how to do it. Then you’ll be free. Don’t you see that?”
Free of me. Free to live instead of being bound to someone who would only bring them death.
Ashir rose, followed by Dias and Savvas. Their sheer body mass and muscles were overwhelming. I wanted to rub myself against their acres of hot flesh and take up where I ran out on them this morning. I rounded the table, putting it between me and them, panic rising like a tide in my chest. “I’ll find a way to do it. You’ll see how much better off things will be when it’s not there taking away your choice.”
A muscle flexed at Ashir’s temple. “You’re making the choice for us. Removing the bond so you feel nothing. Is that what you really want, Haera? To be numb? To take away a gift from fate?”
I wouldn’t feel nothing. Not now I knew what I couldn’t have. I’d feeleverything. Taking away our bond was going toslayme but I would never let them know. If I told them I didn’t want them, they’d respect that. They were good alphas. The best. They didn’t deserve a bond that would get them killed, or worse. It had already taken away one bond-brother. They’d never survive if another one of them was killed. I wouldn’t survive it. “You’ll find someone who won’t get you killed. If I can break our bond, I’ll reconnect it with someone else. Someone worthy enough for you,” I said.
Savvas winced, as though my words were physical things that flayed him. “And you don’t think you’re worthy?”
Too late I realized what I’d said, the ingrained truth falling from my lips. I didn’t want them to turn it around. To try and make me feel or be anything different. “I’ll make it up to you. You’ll see.”
Ashir squared his shoulders. His fists clenched at his thick thighs, his biceps jumping as he moved. “Brais saved you for us. He connected himself with the bond to save you, knowing that one day you would find us. He died for all of us. He understood what he was doing and nothing would have changed his mind. That was his gift to all of us.”
Anger shot through my chest and into my skull. “If he had never met me, we wouldn’t have bonded! It was a stupid chance that I lined up next to him. I was jostled against him. That’s all it took. One simple touch. A second of our skin touching. If he hadn’t have touched me, he might still be alive. If we bond, you’ll never get away. You’ll be tied to me forever. Find someone who doesn’t offer death because that’s all I’ll be able to offer. I’ll always be tied to the grimoire. The magic and whatever fuckery life wants to throw at me. This is your chance to be free. Take it. With my blessing.”
I heaved, panting and fighting the urge to throw up. Sweat trickled down the side of my face. I ignore the open horror on their faces and the throbbing pain erupting through the scarred barrier. I would be strong enough to endure it. This was too important not to be.
I tightened my shoulders beneath the weight of Ashir’s heavy gaze. Moments stretched into an indefinable length of time and all I could do was withstand the heaviness that filled me and hardened like cement. “If that’s what you wish,” Ashir said.
The breath whooshed out of me. I grabbed the chair when my knees weakened. Savvas uttered a strangled sound.
Dias’ head whipped to the side when he looked at Ashir. “You can’t mean that!”
“I do. This is Haera’s decision and we’ll respect her wishes,” Ashir said.
“No, Ashir. We’ve waited our entire lives for our fated mate. We can’t let her go,” Savvas said, his voice thin and brittle.
“We can and we will.” Ashir lifted his chin. They shared a look, and a conversation passed between them without anyone uttering a word. Something only bond-brothers could do. Dias cursed under his breath and Savvas wiped his cheeks with both palms.
A ball of dread came to life inside me because they’d reached their decision. I’d asked for this and they’d finally seen reason. I stood on trembling legs and let it swallow me whole. I wanted the numbness it would eventually bring. Anything would be easier than feeling this.
“We’ll respect her decision. Always,” Ashir said.
I grabbed my chest as the only warmth inside me bled away. I staggered as their background presence drained away. The churning black mass inside me filled the spaces where they’d once been. I hadn’t realized how much they’d already seeped through that small crack and now that they weren’t there, I might lose myself in the dark.
I wrapped my trembling arms around my waist, shaking with their loss. Shaking from the terrible cold that swelled from my toes to the top of my head. Already my body was withdrawing from its need for them. In a few days, I had becomethisdependent. I would have been more so if this had gone on any longer.
My skin crawled with the need for their touch. I kept my feet rooted to the ground with the overwhelming urge to step toward them. I swallowed the grief that threatened to consume me when they remained where they were, their features icy and hard.
I’d asked for this. They were only abiding by my wishes. Just…why did it have to be this hard?
