Page 16 of Daddy's Muse
I wasn’t anything.
I was barely scraping by with a full course load, tutoring as many students as I could squeeze into my schedule, working several shifts at Mae’s a day, just to afford snacks. I wore the same two jackets on rotation and hadn’t bought new shoes in over a year. My backpack had a tear in the side I’d stitched up myself.
And that man… he looked like he lived in a quiet world—a peaceful one, a world where people listened to audiobooks by candlelight and drank wine. He probably attended dinner parties with those waiters who carried around tiny, fancy sausages and champagne. He probably dated refined, beautiful women. Women who knew poetry and how to please a man.
He didn’t belong anywhere near the mess that was me.
He didn’t know me. He didn’t know how badly I craved soft things, how I sometimes cried myself to sleep and imagined it was someone’s chest I was curled against instead of a second-hand pillow.
He didn’t know how small I felt most days, and how much I wanted to be wanted.
Maybe that was the worst part—
Thewanting.
Because it made it hurt more, somehow. It made every glance feel loaded, every smile feel like a trick.
He was kind.
But so was the boy next door when I was thirteen.
And I’d learned that kindness didn’t always mean safety, and it wasn’t always truthful.
Still…
My fingers brushed against the worn strap of my backpack as I trudged across the last stretch of campus. I pictured his eyes again, the subtle dip of his chin when he smiled.
God, and he was sobig. I bet hugging him would feel like hugging one of those giant teddy bears I’d always wanted.
I imagined what it would be like if I lived in a world where someone like him could maybe want someone like me. A world where he’d freely give out the kind of care that came with gentle touch and lullabies at midnight and firm words that made me feel grounded instead of afraid.
I didn’t even know his name, but he felt…safe.
And I didn’t feel safe often, and especially not lately.
So I let myself fantasize, just for tonight, just for the walk back. Maybe in another life I’d be older, prettier, successful, and less… worthless.Less me.
Maybe I’d have my own apartment and my own bed and no Bryan to tiptoe around.
Maybe I’d see him at the library again, and I’d be brave enough to ask what he was reading. Then we’d talk for hours and hours, and he’d take me home, and I’d sit at his kitchen table while he made tea, and he’d listen to my day like it mattered.
And maybe, just maybe… he’d pull me into his arms and say,“It’s okay now, little one. Daddy’s here. Daddy’s going to make everything better.”
I reached the dorm and stared up at the glowing windows, feeling like I’d just woken from a dream.
The pressure behind my eyes grew as I swallowed down a sob.
No, someone like me could never have someone like him.
6
Bodin
My bunny looked so precious fast asleep. My gods had given me such a perfect gift.
Curled on his side, one hand tucked beneath his cheek, his breath soft and even, Colby looked impossibly young and heartbreakingly sweet. The flickering glow from his desk lamp—left on, perhaps out of habit, or maybe even fear—cast warm shadows over his face, outlining the delicate slant of his nose, the dainty auburn lashes that fanned against his pale skin, and the tiny creases at the corner of his mouth from the way he’d bitten his lip earlier in the day.
I stood at the foot of his bed, just watching.
