Page 57 of Nearly Roadkill
Lieutenant Budge: Enclosed please find our profiles on the two… people you named. This is an odd collection of information. Where did you find these two? People like this could make the lives of people like me quite miserable, thank you.
Usually I come back with one name. One name, one person. But with this search, there are several names for each person. See the following, Lieutenant, and I think you may share my consternation:
SCRATCH: aka Luvboyz, MarthaW, Chicanita
WINC: aka Digqueer, Katchoo, Deth.
The multiplicity of these two is exactly why I told the powers that be that we cannot let people sign on as anything but their own names.
You can imagine the possibilities. Not a pretty world, Lieutenant.
Your Obedient etc. etc.
D.H.
Budge smiles around his cigarette, the smoke curling up into his well-watered eyes, and reads the attached profiles:
CITIZEN WINC
According to product interest area frequency, Citizen is a young senior white Native American female male earning between $6,000 and $500,000 annually. Objects of regular perusal include, but are not limited to,Vogue Online, True Romance, Scientific American, Mondo 2000, Tales from the Crypt, Urban Sportsman, andGirlfriendsmagazines, as well asNational Enquirer. Citizen also frequents multiple university libraries, searching for information in the field of ethnomethodology, is a regular subscriber toThe Spider-Man, The Batman, Wonder Woman, several Vertigo comic book titles, and to a small press comic called “HotHead Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist!!!!!” Pattern indicates Citizen is a heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual male ages 12 through 58 or heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual female ages 23 through 72.
Note: Account window shows activity in sectors clearly counter-Registrational. Name is Registered but no feasible profile corresponds with the name. This indicates the user has some sort of bypass “worm technique,” which inserts a name into the database without the required demographic information.
Budge takes a long, satisfying suck at an old, familiar missing tooth and scribbles down the words “ethnomethodology,” “Tales from the Crypt,” and “HotHead Paisan.”
“Damnedest thing I ever saw,” he chuckles to himself.
Flipping to the next page, he reads:
CITIZEN SCRATCH
According to product interest area frequency, Citizen is a middle-aged senior female male African American Caucasian of Irish descent, living on several welfare programs, alternately earning up to $75,000 annually. Objects of regular perusal include, but are notlimited to,Black America, Rolling Stone, Wired, Ms., On Our Backs, Off Our Backs, Tales from the Crypt, GQ, Interview, andMother Jonesmagazines. Citizen also frequents multiple university libraries, searching for information in the fields of psychology of mind, goddess culture, and weaponry, the latter with a focus on knives. Citizen subscribes to bothTimeandThe New Yorker, all indicating that citizen is a heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual male ages 12 through 58 or heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual female ages 23 through 72.
Note: Account window shows activity in sectors clearly counter-Registrational. Name is Registered but no feasible profile corresponds with the name. This indicates use of bypass “worm technique,” which inserts a name into the database without the required demographic information.
Budge writes the words, “Tales from the Crypt” (again!), “goddess culture,” “psychology of mind,” and “BLADES,” the last underlined several times.
“In all my years,” he muses aloud, “I’ve never had to locate someone without at least knowing something about them. Like age, maybe? Maybe you could tell me what sex or color, hmm?” His laughter dissolves into a series of coughs.
END JABBA NARRATIVE ENTRY
TOOBE ENTRY
Scratch and Winc just had their first cyberdate. I mean, a planned one. Not just accidentally running into each other. Scratch was in hir “Fuck your gender” profile, and Winc was in hir “ain’t life grand” mode, and they went on a little surfing safari. When they started, they were really pissed off—the whole intent was to flame everyone who got in their way.
I guess I should explain: You can chat in a public room or a private one. At the same time! You can even have more than one private chat going. This gets a little dizzying, but that’s part of the fun.
They started with the Christian room (two rooms full up to the maximum allowed on any given night). Scratch sent me a note inviting me to join, so I dropped by.
*** You are in room “Christian Fellowship” ***
Scratch:This is my first time in this room. Can I ask a question?
Eccle:Go for it.
Ruth:Ask away, Scratch!
Scratch:I’m sure no one here is like this, but, what do you think of your fellow Christians who are so intolerant of others? Kind of bad PR, don’t you think?
