Page 129 of Nearly Roadkill
Ah. I see a new chat room has popped up in my Safe area. I won’t eavesdrop, but at least they’re talking. Fingers crossed.
END GWYNYTH DIARY ENTRY
WINC JOURNAL ENTRY
*** You are in room “Questions” ***
Scratch:Okay, let’s say I’ve got the music right: I love you, I want to be with you somehow, but the lyrics are still fucked up, I have questions that are stupid but I have to ask them of *somebody*. It might as well be you since you’re the reason I’m asking them.
Winc:What do you mean, “I love you”? *Heck* of a thing to open with, but beautiful music yeah. I guess I’ve got nothing to lose by answering as honestly as I can, and maybe even something to gain.
Your questions prolly won’t be stupid. Questions are brave.
And I love you too.
Scratch:Why do so many transsexuals wear too much makeup and look like they’re about twenty years behind the time fashion-wise?
Winc:Answer: Not that I can answer for EVERY transsexual, but a lot of us have fantasized about our transition for a very long time. When we finally get a chance, we often pick the clothes that were popular at the time we really started our journey. Teenage years. So when I started, I kind of looked like Anjelica Huston in the ’70s.
Scratch:Do you still have facial hair?
Winc:::groaning:: Yeah, I do. I have to scrape my face every day. It’s a sore spot with me (literally!). But electrolysis is *so* expensive: $40–$80 an hour. And the average number of hours needed is around 200–300. I’m lucky, my estrogen stuff seems to slow down the growth-rate of my face hair. ::wincing:: Should talk with Gwyn about how she can just let hers grow and grow! Anyway, I can go for a little over 24 hours with a passably smooth face.
Scratch:If you were het before, are you lesbian now? Or did your sexuality change too and now you’re a straight woman?
Winc:::slow smile:: Who wants to know?
Are you flirting with me again? ::laughing lightly::
I’ve always been attracted to women romantically and sexually, and those are two different attractions. I’ve always been attracted to men sexually, but never romantically. What does all *that* make me?
When I was being Man, I figured I couldn’t *really* be a real woman because I was *attracted* to women, and real women are all attracted to men. (So, lesbian types weren’t real women either) I didn’t have that heart-zing for men (like I did for you).
But I *tried* getting involved with men. Spent a whole period of my life picking up guys, and I was a guy, right? I’d pick up these men, well, I’d let them pick *me* up, and they’d take me to their homes, late at night, and we’d lie down on their living room floors, and I’d suck them off. I liked doing that. A lot. But we always had to be quiet, because their wives were sleeping in the next room or upstairs. You know I’m not making this up.
Am I a straight woman now? No way! I’d still like to have sex with a guy, using this new equipment I have (You do know I had genital surgery, right?), but it’s scary. Guys scare me. So, no, all that said, I guess I’m not straight.
Scratch:Do you tell people you used to be a boy even though you weren’t really, in your mind?
Winc:::gently:: Scratch, I *was* a boy. No in-the-mind about it. I was a boy, and later I was a man. I think that mind-body-spirit is so tightly woven that you can’t say anything like “I wasn’t really a boy, in my mind.” At least *I* can’t—it’s just not my story. I was a boy, and I hated it. I was a man, and I hated it. I changed my body, and I changed my mind, and now my spirit feels so much more free!
Yes, I come out to people I want to be close to. And now you’re going to ask why didn’t I tell you from the start. Because we agreed not to say anything, and whatever you were being online, you kept bringing out the girl in me, the femme in me, even when I was trying to be boy or man, and I loved that so much, and then I got scared again that you would freak if you knew.
But I did tell you as soon as we agreed to tell each other.
Scratch:Did you wear your mother’s clothes when you were little?
Winc:::smiling:: What kind of transsexual textbooks have you been reading, hon? Only one time when I was about five or six. It felt really taboo to me, very wrong. I mean, that was Mom, not Woman. That was wearing Mom’s clothes, not women’s clothes. I made my own clothes to wear, though, from towels, old blankets, drapes, whatever, when I was a little kid.
Scratch:Did you have to learn how to “be a woman” in terms of mannerisms and attitude, or was it already there?
Winc:Had to learn. It’s all learned, isn’t it? Look at how uncomfortable you were in being Mom at Coney Island, darling. That’s how I spotted you from across the park. You never learned that girl stuff, and I’m so glad you didn’t. But wait, maybe you did learn and you rejected it? That’s a question for you. I’ll add it to my list.
Scratch:Do you miss your dick?
Winc:::hands on hips, tossing my head back defiantly:: Let me tell you a thing or two about what happened to my dick, darling.
First, the docs cut it open like they were filleting a fish. Then they scraped out all the spongy stuff, they turned it inside-out, and they poked it up inside me—like when you turn a sock inside-out.
