Page 68 of Nearly Roadkill
Wally Budge is reading a full page ad in his favorite tageblatt,The Daily News. It reminds him of his old days as a beat cop in NYC. Nowadays, he walks his beat on a screen, in whatever race they sign him up for. He was a lot happier, he realizes, when the only pressure he got came from upstairs. Now everyone’s getting into the act. To wit….
A PUBLICAPPEAL FROMCONCERNEDCITIZENS
In June of this year, a 12-year-old child was repeatedly assaulted via electronic mail by evil men interested in tarnishing her.
The nation’s security is being compromised by the dissemination online of top security documents.
Terrorists obtain access to electronic files, which they turn around as weapons that threaten the fabric of democracy.
Yet the government, and its all-too-willing sponsor, Allied Consumer Industries, do nothing.
We concerned citizens have formed a grassroots network: Family Values Above All. We call for the immediate apprehension and severe punishment of these criminals, and a tightening of restrictions regarding the Network. And so, we pray:
God, help us care for our children. Give us wisdom to fashion regulations that will protect the innocent. Guide our Government when they consider ways of controlling the pollution of online intercourse and how to preserve one of our greatest resources: The minds of our children and the future and moral strength of our Nation. Give us the power and the might of your own arm so that we may rise upin Your Name and strike down any individual or government who opposes Your will, on earth or here in cyberspace. Amen.
Wally Budge shakes his head wearily as he scans a list of approximately 500 individuals and organizations, in 8-point type. As if that weren’t enough, a fat packet of documents awaits—hard copy, no less. Replies, at last, from Allied Consumer Industries regarding his queries. Approaching perhaps his first break of the day, Budge flops his bulky frame farther back into his squeaky chair and reads the first one.
Dear Lt. Budge:
In response to your department’s request for persons who fit the demographic profile of conflicting consumer patterns, I have the following match:
Onscreen name:Noh
Online service:CompuServe
Income:$35,000/yearly
This person is a white male, 25 years old, frequents Young Christians, Married but Restless, and Trivia II approximately four times a week. Mr. Noh has requested information regarding retirement funds, hemorrhoid medication, subscriptions toTV Guide, PC Computer, andThe Saturday Evening Post. A number of adjacent advertising products have been requested relating to consumer products targeted to elder Black females, which we can forward to you if you are interested, but each seems to fall outside the parameters of your search. We are having our database checked for a programming error, as this is clearly impossible. Our apologies. Within the narrow bands of your department’s request, we have come up with this name and one other. The other person’s income was below $10,000 and unfortunately, we discard such persons after 3 months.
One cigarette smoking away in the ashtray, another wedged between tight lips, Budge is not pleased. Noh? Never heard of him. He scans the next memo:
Onscreen name:Deafkid
Online service:America Online
Income:unknown
Subject is 17, orders a wide range of home security products, frequents the deaf-disability forums only, and is a frequent user. We are certain this is the candidate you were seeking in regards to the profile you requested. We can release more information, if you like.
I have to ask you, will you be staging a sting operation to apprehend him?
“Someone’s been reading too many action adventure novels,” he mutters out loud. Deafkid, huh? Well, at least that’s something. He shuffles a few memos, and plucks out another at random.
Onscreen name:Miss Thing
Online service:Renaissance Technical Institute
Income:$55,000/yearly
Miss Thing buys a wide range of products not consistent with her profile. In addition to the usual feminine hygiene products, she also requests information about tools, lawn products, and geriatric goods, rarely buying anything at all to date, but we feel confident that the target advertising will result in increased consumption shortly. Miss Thing came to our attention for the inconsistent profile you are looking for. We find it hard to believe that she is who she says she is. In addition, she has listed her occupation as welder, which is highly unlikely.
Unlikely, but consistent, Budge thinks ruefully. As he has begun to suspect, his perp is Black, female, disabled, young, old, Asian, male, gay, straight, a cross-dresser, a child, an old woman.
“How the hell am I supposed to find someone like that? How am I supposed to find someone who thinks like that?”
He slams down the sheaf of useless paper. “Oh, we’re hot on that old trail now.”
Idly, he flicks a dead cockroach off the edge of his desk. Shelly’s poison is working.
