Page 51 of Nearly Roadkill
“Oh hush. This stuff is top of the line. Wait’ll you see what you can do with it! Full color, video. And you’d love to dance! I have to take you out more often. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this machine.”
“I trust you, Shel. I’ve just never trusted a computer that smiles at me when it starts up.”
“Get over it. Who knows, maybe you can download some dirty pictures and bring them over to my house some night, and we can check out the pixelation.”
Budge flushes despite himself. “Awright, awright.”
Another chuckle. Then, “Friday night. Put your cowboy boots on. Meantime, enjoy the new toy, Wally.”
Hanging up the phone, Wally looks up at the man still standing in the doorway. “Umm, I guess you can put it here, next to the old one.”
The man snorts. “Not a chance. That box of junk is headed for the dump. How could you stand looking into that green screen all day, anyway?”
“I like green,” sniffs Budge, pondering cowboy boots.
END JABBA NARRATIVE ENTRY
PERSONAL LOG, JABBATHEHUT
If I lacked character, I would idly scan the world’s computers.
While I do so enjoy playing detective, it’s time to turn my attention to other sources. The only behavior that astounds me anymore about the human race is its continued gullibility. The following is a memo about to be sent out to the general public. I like to see these things before their official release date:
Dear Service Consumer:
Please note you are about to be given an extraordinary opportunity. The members of Allied Consumer Industries have generously donated their time and expertise to a new Registration bonus which would allow you complete access to any area of the online world you desire. Simply Register as you normally would, but be sure to select Special Options. This will allow you special access and cost you nothing in additional fees.
—ACI etc.
This was sent to all computer users, not any special demographic as claimed. Your bennie is being assaulted with a billion digital mail-order catalogs. And just like that, you’re tracked. How about that for a special option?
END JABBA PERSONAL LOG
NARRATIVE ENTRY, JABBATHEHUT
Meanwhile, back in a certain green office:
Lt. Wally Budge is making his beefy paw guide a small plastic “mouse” that somehow attaches to the cursor on his computer screen. Now he’s supposed to be able to navigate through a shifting sea of endlessly cute Macintosh icons. He clicks on one, and on his screen appears:
Congratulations!
You are now ready to open your online account.
Please enter your name in the highlighted spaces.
Budge frowns and maneuvers the mouse, but it sends the arrow skittering to all corners of the monitor. The memo now repeating itself on his screen helps neither his mood nor his coordination.
Congratulations!
You are now ready to open your online account.
Please enter your name in the highlighted spaces.
“I heard ya the first four times,” Budge mutters darkly. “Is this what people go through every day just to use their computers? No wonder they try to be someone else online.”
Congratulations!
You are now ready to open your online account.
