Page 111 of Nearly Roadkill
Scratch, who I swear looked one minute like everyone’s mother, and the next like some guy in drag, and the very next minute, well, strong and proud, got all quiet and nodded, so Winc kept talking.
“It ties in with something I was saying, about the courage you’ve given me—online. See, I did want to be a woman, Scratch. I really, really thought that was the answer for me, because all my time being boy and man—it was all acting. Then I finally made that change, and I had become… well, a woman… it still felt like I was acting.”
It was weird hearing all this come from a doode with a mustache.
“Too many rules on both sides of that gender fence, and I just don’t get along well with rules.”
Scratch looked a little more like what I think ze really looks like then. “So online,” ze said, “you got to escape?”
Winc nodded, then Winc took a deep breath.
“I wouldn’t call it escape. I fell in love with you a lot of ways, Scratch. I loved being boy to your riot grrl. I loved being nasty gay man to your nasty gay man. I even loved you when you were a vampire, and I was your supper. I fell so deep and hard when we were Frankie and Johnny….”
I felt embarrassed but hoped at least what ze was saying would maybe save this whole thing.
Hir voice trailed off, and Scratch’s eyes got a little wet, and ze just nodded some more. Winc went on. “What I’m realizing now,” ze said, “is that I was falling, but with a safety net beneath me.”
Winc was getting sadder and sadder, but ze kept talking. “I was finding a way to be all the different mes I could be, with you. But it wasn’t with all of you, not really. A lot of it was in my head. It wasn’t really you. It was the you I wanted you to be.”
Ze just stopped and looked down and took another bite of hir waffle, but I don’t think ze was hungry. Scratch took up the slack.
“So you were becoming who I wanted you to be?”
“Sort of.”
Scratch looked disgusted with hirself.
“I wanted to be those people too,” Winc went on. “I loved that no matter who we became, you were right there with me. We both had the safety net. I… I didn’t have to worry about looking like a freak to other folks. And you didn’t know you were with a ‘freak.’?”
Right then, the waitress came back and asked Winc if “the table” wanted more coffee. So Winc responded in this girly voice ze usually uses now, “Thanks, hon, yes please,” and the waitress just stared at hir, poured the coffee quick and got outta there.
“You’re a freak?” Scratch said when she was gone. “You think you’re the only one? Don’t you know I’m one too? Why do you think there’s so many of us online? Not just queers, either, but lots of people are freaks out there.”
Ze looked around the diner. “I mean, out here.”
Winc looked kind of surprised but didn’t say anything. Ze had a kind of “tell me more” look in hir eyes.
“Every time I walk outside, I kind of hunch up. People think butches look so tough, but we’re… bracing,” Scratch finished, real quiet.
Winc was crying now; ze just nodded. Then excused hirself and despite what was happening I hoped ze would remember to use the right bathroom!
When ze was gone, Scratch looked at me and asked if I thought ze was being a jerk. Scratch is so cool that way, asking me what I think, but I couldtell ze was really confused, even hurt. Not just by what Winc was saying, but by what ze must be feeling.
So I said, “Nah, you’re not a jerk. I think you’re just scared. When things change so fast…” I shrugged.
“Yeah, I guess that’s it.” But Scratch sounded kind of doubtful.
Then Winc came back and slid back into the booth.
“I don’t want this whole thing to get into who used who, okay?” Winc said. “It’s a two-way street.” These walls had shot up around hir—spooky.
Winc continued. “I know that I fell in love with you. I learned a lot about who I am and how I want to be in the world. I learned I could be a lot of things with you, and figured maybe I could really be that way. I could be anything, anyone, everything, everyone, all of me. With you. For real.”
Scratch looked at hir; maybe something was about to happen, but right then, I had filled up too much, and I just busted out crying like a little kid.
Scratch reached across the table toward me. “Oh, man, Toobe, I’m sorry. Jesus, I… we’ll be alright, Toobe!” Ze looked at me, then looked at Winc, then put hir head in hir hands.
Winc reached hir arm around me. We held still, just like that.
