Page 51 of Grave Misgivings
Could I be bisexual?
I’m not sure. I mean, I don’t really have atonof experience with women, but I do havesome.
I’ve kissed a lot of girls, which was okay.
That has to count for something right?
I’ve finger-fucked two, which wasn’t a terrible experience either time, but it was really wet and warm and squishy. I didn’tdislikehow my girlfriends responded to my touch, but I wasn’t entirely sure they weren’t faking it, either, and I didn’t want to ask. And even though I felt pressured, I have had my cock sucked once—by Tiffany. Though, I immediately regrettedthatexperience.
It felt good at first, and I wanted to come, if only because I knew Ishould, but I couldn’t. Getting there was... well, I never got there.
Because I felt guilty as hell.
I’m pretty sure she took it personally, which made things worse, and I couldn’t fake that I didn’t like her teeth scraping against my skin or that her grip on my balls wasn’t as pleasurable as I thought it was going to be.
To be honest, it kind of hurt and the whole thing just kind of backfired and confirmed maybe it was better that I remained just... not. Until I met the right person, of course, but I’m starting to think I’m just going to be this wayforever.
I glance back at the screen as sadness blooms in the pit of my stomach, my reflection warped.
I don’t want to be like this forever, though.
I don’t want to be alone, relegated to fantasies in my head that make me feel guilty.
I want to experience the things I sing about—romance, love, sex. I don’t want to second guess myself, or feel inadequate. I want to fall in love, I want to be touched, and feel all those sparks and flames.
I want someone to fall into my lap and kiss me until I can’t fucking breathe, and I want to fucking lose my virginity before I die.
I want answers, God damn it!
I delete the word porn, shaking my head. “This is a terrible idea,” I mutter.
I type “gay porn” into the search bar, sucking in a deep breath. “Even worse idea.” I click my tongue. Cross my arms.
“It’s just... research,” I try to convince myself. “It’s a test.”
I bite my bottom lip.
I hit search.
The results are... interesting. Everything from Only Fans to Porn Hub, to some Tumblr titledmalesmasturbating.
I close my eyes and blindly pick a link. When I open my eyes, I see video of a tall, slender man and a woman kissing.
So far, so good, I guess.
“Completely normal. Everyone does this.”
I watch as they kiss, their hands exploring, and then she tells him she’ll be back later as his friend arrives to watch the game.
It seems innocent enough, and the actors are attractive, so I get comfortable. The guys seem comfortable with one another, laughing, hanging out on the couch watching sports together.
Then the friend sets his hand on the boyfriend’s leg. The camera shows his hand, squeezing, rubbing up and down his subject’s leg. I watch in interest and horror as the mood shifts, the friendgrabsthe boyfriend’s cock through his jeans and my own jumps.
I bite my lip, every nerve in my body standing at attention.
But I can’t stop watching.
The boyfriend looks back at his friend with pleading eyes.
