Page 113 of Grave Misgivings

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Dare’s guitar rolls us right intoDevil In Me, and I don’t miss a beat.

I prance around the stage like I fucking own it, because tonight I do.

I own itall.

I sing every song from the depths of my soul, unafraid of what I know is coming.

Finally, we hit the last song, which is normallyHeaven Sent, but I decided to change things up a bit for this show.

What kind of rockstar boyfriend would I be if I didn’t serenade the man I love in front of thirty thousand people?

The band quiets, and the crowd is thunderous.

I put my finger to my lips. “Shhhhh,” I tell them as Kevin pushes the piano out for Hailee.

I stand there, sweaty, hot, and grinning.

“You know, yesterday was my fortieth birthday,” I say and the crowd cheers. I can’t help but laugh.

“And I gotta tell you all, it made me think about a lot of things.”

A stage hand pushes a stool out for me to sit.

I run my thumb over my lip, wiping away the sweat.

“Show of hands, how many of you knew me before I wasGravedigger? Who here knows whoGeo Gravesis?”

There are more cheers than I expect, and I smile as I drop my gaze to stage right.

Zeb smirks.

“Well, for those of you who don’t know, I used to perform music a lot different than what I do now. And it only feels right, that here, in my home, in the place that built me, I pay a little tribute to my Christian Rock days as Geo Graves. That is, if it’s okay with all of you?”

Their cheers are infectious.

“Oh, thank you so much guys! I truly appreciate it. Can I ask you another favor?”

My heart thuds so loudly in my chest, I think it’s roaring with the crowd.

“Could you pretty please light up the sky for me? Get those phones and lighters out?”

I watch as the darkness fills with bright, teaming light, and I think God really does work in mysterious ways.

“Thanks, guys. You’re the best,” I call out as I ready my mic, looking at Hailee.

The beginning keys of Philip Wickham’sIt’s Always Been Yougraces the air.

I sing, my voice shaking, as those first few words find their way into the darkness, the truth in them so profound.

He did see me first, after all.

Hailee’s haunting piano playing mixes with the sway of the lights, and I close my eyes and feel the music.

Feel the truth.

I clutch my chest, if only to keep my heart from leaping out as I sing Philip’s evident words, about God being there for him in the past, and being there for him in the future. But it’s not God I’m serenading tonight, though I am more than thankful for this moment he’s pushed me toward.

I open my eyes, pausing as the tears form in my eyes as I sing about all the yearshislove was breaking through the cracks. Theclarity of understanding is cathartic as Mateo’s words meld with my truth.