Page 115 of Kept in the Dark
But obviously, I am alone in this.
“I just… don’t see another option—I can’t be here, and I can’t ask you to leave your team to come with me to start over. Like you said, this is who you are. I don’t want to take that from you.”
My jaw clicks as I grind it. Admittedly, when thinking about our future life together, I never considered the possibility of leaving my current life behind. Was that selfish of me? To assume she would give up everything for me?
Even if it were… what use could I be to her in the small, normal life she wants? I cannot hold a real job or go out freely without concern of being recognized by the wrong person. I could end up getting her hurt or killed.
The weight is back on my chest, and it has brought a rush of conflicting, horrible emotions like guilt, hurt, frustration, and vindication. I always knew the truth, though I let myself believe she thought differently—I am no more than a convenient monster. I will shield her from the dangers and fuck her when she wants as a temporary distraction, but she would not choose a life with me.
Deep down, I always knew. I knew she would never want someone like me.
I knew I was not worthy.
“So that is it, then? You have decided? You chose for us both?” I ask. I hear the hurt-laced venom in my voice, but I am past trying to control it.
Her eyes are downcast, shielded. “From the moment we met, you’ve been making decisions for me. Running in the maze, getting on thatboat, putting me in the trunk of the car, coming here… I don’t regret it,” she adds quickly, “but it’s… not how I want to be with someone. It’s not sustainable. I don’t have it in me to meekly follow orders or sit at home while someone kills people on my behalf.
“I need to be able to make my own choices. Don’t take that from me again. Don’t take this choice from me.”
I reel as if she physically struck me. In fact, I have to turn away, so she will not see how her words have destroyed me.
“I have to go. You have to let me go, Dimitri.” It is so soft, it is nearly a whisper.
My heartbeat thuds so hard and loudly, it is the only noise I can hear for several long seconds of tense silence. I keep waiting for her to take it back—to realize she makes this decision too rashly, too rooted in fear. But her expression haunts me. She is resolute. Almost calm, if slightly broken-looking.
“Very well,” I say tightly. “I will have Wesley falsify some documentation for you. It will take a few hours.”
She has the grace to thank me, but it makes me flinch. I am halfway to the door, refusing to look back over my shoulder when I hear her soft sniffle. Cringing at the sound, I pause. “In the morning… you can go.”
37
Nicole
Take that, unhealed trauma
“I’m sorry,” Eleanor blurts into the uncomfortable silence, surprising me. She squeezes the steering wheel in both her hands, glancing in her rearview as she changes lanes. “After we talked, I saw that you were struggling, but I wasn’t sure what to do. I realized I might have made it seem like you shouldn’t want to stay with us, or like the arrangement you figured out with Dimitri had to be like mine with Mac, or—”
“Eleanor, stop,” I say, holding up a hand. “It’s not your fault I’m leaving. You told me what I needed to know and gave me some perspective so I could wrap my mind around what was really going to happen. I’m glad I talked to you.”
“Well, I’m not,” she grumbles. “You say it’s not my fault, but I feel like it is.”
“Trust me, it’s not.”
She blows out a long breath, sending long sideways looks at me. “You’re really not going to tell me what happened?”
What’s to tell? I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up…
I swallow and glance down at the heavy, thick mailer envelope in my lap.
When I woke up, this was waiting for me, sitting on top of a duffel bag already containing all my things—everything he’d bought me, rolled tightly in neat layers. I’m not sure how he managed it without waking me, but while I slept, Dimitri neatly packed away everything I had tomake it as easy as possible for me to leave. To get me out of there. To erase any sign that I’d ever slept, eaten, bathed, fucked… or lived in that pool house with him.
I know it’s my own damn fault, but it still stabbed me in the heart.
And then I found the house empty except for Eleanor. That was like the final twist of the dagger. I’m bleeding out emotionally. I’m trying to stem it, telling myself this is what’s best for everyone and that the guys must be kind of mad at me for hurting Dimitri the way I did. But I had to.
Still, he left without saying goodbye. They all did.
I mean… I know I’m the one that’s actually leaving, and they had important, time-sensitive things to do, but I thought I’d at least be able to see everyone one last time. To tell Wesley about a recent study I read about energy drinks contributing to concerning blood conditions, and to look at the mole on James’s back for him, like I promised I would. And to say goodbye, too, I suppose.
