Page 72 of Under the Tulip Tree
But then Sam’s voice filled my mind.“Yes, you can, Frankie,”he seemed to say.“You ain’t going in alone.”
A glance out the window revealed it was still dark outside, but it wouldn’t be long before the first signs of morning would color the horizon. What I needed to say to Burton had to be said before everyone else woke.
Squaring my shoulders, I took a step forward, then another, until I was beside his bed. When my eyes adjusted to the dimness of the room, I was surprised to find him awake, looking at me, almost as though he’d expected me to come.
Neither of us spoke. I’d thought of everything I wanted to say to him on the way over here, yet now I couldn’t form a coherent sentence.
“You came back,” he finally said. Although his voice was barely audible, his words echoed in the still room.
“I did.”
He seemed at a loss for something to say. So be it. I was the one with the grievance. I’d speak my piece and leave.
“Your family wronged me,” I hissed. “No child should ever be treated the way your mama treated me. No child should ever be taken from their mother the way your pappy took me from mine. Don’t matter that I was a slave owned by Master Hall. Don’t matter that my skin was dark. What matters is that I is a human being. What kind of person treats another human being the way your mama treated me?” I shook my head, my chin trembling with emotion. “But I ain’t here to judge you, Mr. Hall. That day will come soon enough. For you. For me. For your mama and pappy.”
I turned to leave.
“Wait.”
I had opened my mouth to remind him I wasn’t his slave anymore when he added, “Please.”
Tears threatened to spill over my lids, but I refused to let them. I wouldn’t have this man see me cry.
“I...” He stopped. Swallowed hard. Started again. “I... it...” He heaved a breath and looked at the ceiling. “My mother shouldn’t have struck you. My daddy shouldn’t have sold you.”
His gaze met mine.
I waited.
“Nothing was the same after that day.”
I puzzled over this. “What do you mean?”
“Everything changed. Lucindia refused to come to the house after you were taken away. Mama wanted to sell her and your brother and sisters, but Papa refused. He said he’d never sell another slave again, especially a child. He andMama argued all the time after that. Charlotte wasn’t the same either. She cried a lot and had nightmares.”
I stood in stunned silence. It never occurred to me Mammy would refuse to go up to the big house after I was sold or that anyone ever regretted what happened to me. I’d always assumed life on the plantation continued with its usual rhythm, as though I’d never existed at all.
“What happened to Mammy?”
Burton turned away. “Papa put her in the fields. She took sick just before the war began. Papa called the doctor... but she passed on.”
I clutched at my heart, feeling it shatter into a thousand pieces. A silent sob shook my shoulders, and I closed my eyes against the pain.Oh, Mammy.
“My brother and sisters?” A tiny speck of hope ignited, only to be dashed by his slight shrug.
“Papa sent most of our slaves south when Tennessee fell to the Federals. I don’t know what’s become of them.”
In the span of a heartbeat, I’d lost my mother and my siblings all over again. Anger shot to the surface, like a ball fired from a cannon, exploding with red-hot words.
“Your family stole everything from me. Everything. I will never forgive you. Do you hear me? Never.” I didn’t care that my voice had risen, causing the sleeping men to stir. They were as guilty as Burton Hall in my mind. White men who believed it their right to own me, simply because of the color of my skin.
He wouldn’t look at me. I wanted to spit and call him acoward, but instead I turned and fled the room. Cold air hit my face when I exited the building, but I didn’t stop. I wandered the city, grieving over Mammy despite the fact she’d been gone for years. I didn’t want to go to Sam. He’d be disappointed in me, but I wouldn’t forgive Burton as Sam would want me to do. The Halls had taken everything away from me except my hatred. That I refused to relinquish.
I was near frozen when I came to the river. I stood there shivering while the eastern horizon filled with the colors of dawn. Dark shapes on the water turned into ships and fishing boats. Sailors, workers, and tradesmen appeared on the docks, going about their early morning business.
I remained where I stood, a block of ice carved into a woman. My heart felt hard and frozen. And tired. So very tired of the struggle. I looked down to the dark water. Perhaps I should simply slip into its depths and bring an end to it all. Wouldn’t that be for the best? Mammy was gone from this world. Why shouldn’t I go? What did I have to live for?
Voices drew my attention.
