Page 6 of Gay for Pray
“Isn’t that the guy?”
He knows all about my Theodore woes. I complained at incredible length about my fellow philosophy major, though Nick and Theodore have never had a reason to be in the same room before this.
I nod instead of answering, pretending I’m being considerate of the audition process. The director instructs Theodore to begin, and he takes a deep breath and opens his mouth.
The sound that comes out nearly knocks me off the pew.
Theodore’s voice fills every corner and crevice and crook of the church. It wriggles into the tiniest crannies and reverberates in my ears, in my throat, in my chest. And it’s…perfect. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’ve been singing for my whole life, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever come face to face with a voice quite like this. He sings in a deeper register than me, his voice caressing every note like velvet. Sitting here listening to him is like drinking a cup of thick, rich hot chocolate on a cold day. It warms my throat and fills up my belly before I have time to realize I’m utterly entranced.
“Holy shit,” Nick mutters beside me.
I take some comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one affected by this performance, but it is a very small comfort considering what Theodore’s singing is doing to my body. I’m warmer than the mild day calls for, my heart racing even as I sit perfectly still and gape. I wasn’t even remotely prepared for this, and it thunders over me like a tsunami.
The church is utterly silent as Theodore’s voice fades away. It was quiet in here before; now it’s like no sound exists except the memory of his singing.
The director calls the next name, apparently unimpressed, or at least unsurprised. I can’t say I share his nonchalance…which is why it probably takes a few minutes for my brain to process the implications of what I just saw. If I make it into the choir, and I absolutely will, I’m going to be singing with Theodore all year. There’s no way the director is going to pass on a voice like that.
That should inspire dread, but the emotions swirling in my stomach are a lot more complex than that. With Theodore’s voice ringing in my ears, I’m not prepared to untangle that.
It’s going to be a very interesting year…
Chapter Four
Theodore
THE RESULTS COME OUT over the weekend. I open them immediately, even though I’m sure I made it. I find my name easily enough, but my heart doesn’t clam down. I keep scrolling through the list, and don’t realize until I see his name that that’s what I’m actually looking for.
There it is. Jude Vaughan.
Of course he also made it. I left before his audition, but it figures I’m stuck with him not only in class but also in the liturgical choir. Maybe God is testing me. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve faced this peril.
There’s nothing I can do about it, so I try to forget about it and prepare for class on Monday. We have some readings to do, but I supplement them with a bit of additional study. The library has a ton of resources to help me deepen my understanding of the material. I spend all of Sunday there reading and scribbling notes, ensuring I’m prepared for philosophy class on Monday.
It strikes me that this is exactly the kind of thing Jude would find so repulsive about me. Good. If he’s disgusted by something I do, I’m probably making a smart choice. I’m sure he’s spending his weekend doing things that violate the code of conduct, things I don’t want to think about. The image flits through my brain regardless, but I shove it aside without acknowledging it.
I take a break for lunch, then go right back to the library. By the time I leave for good, the sun is sinking toward the horizon.I return to the dining hall for a solitary dinner accompanied by nobody and nothing except my textbooks. Other students chatter on all sides of me, their frivolous, wasteful conversations flitting past me.
Are they more like me or more like Jude? Is Jude somehow the more “normal” college student out of the two of us?
I shake my head at that. It doesn’t matter. Even if everyone at this massive university thinks I’m a loser and a freak, it won’t change my path. I’ve known since I was a child where my destiny lay, and I’m going to follow it regardless of what anyone else in the world thinks of me.
I squeeze in a little more reading before bed that night. It helps lull me to sleep as the excitement of the next week of classes looms. If I didn’t have Jude to dread, I might not be able to sleep at all, so I suppose I owe him some thanks for tempering my enthusiasm.
When I arrive at my philosophy class on Monday, I make sure to glare at Jude on the way to my seat, but he must have seen the results as well because he grins in response. My stomach plummets into my feet, but I try not to think about it and take my seat. Maybe I can ignore him. The choir is huge, twenty members total, so maybe I can pretend he isn’t even there. It will depend on how the director arranges us. Suddenly, I wish I’d stayed for his audition so I’d have a clearer idea of where he’ll end up in the arrangement. I’m on the deeper end of the scale, which sometimes means I stand right behind the mid-range in order to balance the sound.
I set those worries aside as Professor Demsky begins class. She launches into a lecture about our readings from the previous week. I distract myself by taking copious notes. A lot of it is a repeat of the notes I took on my own in the library, but I scribble as though this is brand new information.
My back itches as I work. Once, I dare to glance over myshoulder. Jude is near the back of the class, smiling, his hands still. He isn’t even pretending he’s paying attention or taking notes. He’s just sitting there smiling at me. Is this some kind of mind game? Is he trying to throw off my whole semester? It sounds crazy, but could he have joined the choir simply to ruin my studies?
I look away, shaking my head at myself. I’m letting this jerk rattle me. Even someone like Jude wouldn’t dedicate all his Sunday mornings to singing in a choir simply to mess with me in particular. There must be some other reason, something I don’t see. I rack my brain, but I can’t come up with anything…
Until I think about that one quiet guy who plays guitar. And those two girls. And that other guy. I don’t know for sure, but I have wondered if they’re…like Jude. No one would dare ask. No one would kick them out of the choir if they confirmed it. It’s one of those things that no one wants to talk about. But what if it’s real? What if there’s some sort of code or language I don’t understand?
Now I really sound paranoid. There’s nothing in the code of conduct that says students can’t be queer. I’m sure there are some queer students around, and it’s not like they speak in a secret code or something. If they wanted to form a student organization, they could go ahead and do it. They wouldn’t have to flock to the liturgical choir in secret.
This is all a series of coincidences and bad luck. As large as A.S.S. Uni. is, students tend to move in flocks. Two philosophy majors who are interested in singing are naturally going to end up in the same places at the same times.
Professor Demsky reaches the end of her lecture, but there’s still some time left in class, so I don’t relax yet.
