Page 11 of Gay for Pray
This is a temporary affliction. I got hit with a perfect storm of unlucky conditions, and this is a test. Sometimes life is stressful and hard. Sometimes things don’t go the way they’re supposed to. God asks us to overcome those circumstances and stay true to our faith regardless, and I know I’m strong enough to do that. So what if Jude is effortlessly handsome and a good singer and smarter than I expected? He moves through the world like a dancer, as though everything is a stage and he’s an actorplaying a part. Anyone would be a bit dazzled by his energy and presence, which means this can serve as an important and necessary reminder that I’m as human as anyone else. I’ll have times in life where I need to overcome the same mortal temptations that everyone else faces.
It’s the only way I’ll reach the priesthood like I’m supposed to.
A deacon may be able to have a family, but certainly not a priest. Even if they could, I could never have ahusband. That would be absurd. All of this is silly nonsense that will go away the second this semester calms down and things go back to normal.
I look down to find my Bible open to the exact same page I started on. I’ve been staring at the letters all this time, but haven’t managed to read a single word. I know the story by heart, but that isn’t the reason my mind wandered, and I have to clap the book shut with a loud slap to distract myself from that thought.
I jolt to my feet and hurry from the pew. Church isn’t providing the solace it usually does. A jittery energy buzzes inside me and propels me through the church and back outside into the sprawl of the campus. I sigh, shoulders slouching, and start toward my dorm room.
I can study. That’s what I can do. Jude can’t infest my mind while I study.
Except of course he can because the only homework I have this weekend is for our philosophy course.
I don’t make it back to my dorm before I start reciting Our Fathers in my head. Something about Jude has reignited this affliction I carry with me, but I’m strong enough to overcome it just like I did when I was kid.
I have to be.
Chapter Seven
Jude
SMOKE CURLS OVER MY head with my exhale, obscuring a cloudless sky bleached by blazing sunlight. I wave my hand to bat away the smell, then pass the J to Nick, who’s lying on the grass beside me.
He laughs as he takes it. “Relax. We’re not even technically on school grounds.”
“The gates are right there.”
I point my foot at the tall wrought iron fence that lies down the grassy hill. Nick and I are lying on the side of the hill looking down at Arpor Sacred Sacrament University, our puffs of smoke wafting away in the still air. The fence that rings the university technically marks the edge of the school’s boundaries, but I have no doubt the administration wouldn’t let that stop them if they caught me and Nick out here smoking.
“You’re acting like we’ve never done this before,” Nick says. “What’s with you, man?”
He passes it back, and I take an inhale while trying to formulate an answer. I asked him if he was willing to “go to the hill,” our code for this little excursion, and he didn’t question it, but I must have revealed more than I thought when I made the request.
“It’s just school and shit,” I say.
I don’t believe for a moment that Nick buys my excuse, but he accepts his turn with the J and lets my answer pass. For awhile we simply lie there basking in yet another picture perfect southern California afternoon, the university sprawled before us. The stately stone buildings and tree-lined walkways tangle around each other so thickly I can’t see more than a few feet into campus. Every once in a while I spot a student filtering between the buildings on their way to class or the cafeteria or some sort of activity. This university is so enormous that I probably don’t know a single one of them, yet I still haven’t managed to meet a guy. Despite my plans for this semester, the only guy I’ve actually spent any time with in the first couple weeks of the semester is Theodore. And sure, I’ll admit that our first meeting about our project went better than I thought it would. I couldn’t believe he actually gave ground about picking the topic. It made me believe for a second that he might be human after all, and that’s a dangerous thought. I don’t need to see him as anything but an enemy. Otherwise my desperation might lead me down an even worse path than trading handies with Nick.
“So, the choir,” Nick says when he gets sick of the silence.
I glance aside at him. There’s a whole story behind his voice. From the sound of things, this is a line of inquiry he’s been holding back for quite a while.
“What about the choir?”
He meets my eyes for only a moment, then looks back up at the sky. “I guess it’s kinda cool.”
“Yeah?” I prod. Oh, there is definitely more going on here. I dive in, hoping to avoid my own thoughts by getting absorbed in Nick’s personal drama.
“I don’t hate it as much as I thought, I guess,” he says. “I mean, it’s cool getting to sing, even if we have to get up on Sunday morning for it.”
“And?”
His gaze slides toward me again. “And…maybe there’s a guy there I have my eye on.”
I sit up, grass sticking to the back of my shirt. “Who is it?”
Nick refuses to look at me. His throat bobs. “I think he’s a freshman. Dark hair. Kinda small guy.”
That could describe a few guys in the choir, and I’m not going to let him get away with dodging me like that.
