Page 43 of Gay for Pray
“Need more coffee,” he says, even as he sips from a Styrofoam cup from the cafeteria.
“You’re literally drinking coffee.”
“Yes, but it’s notgoodcoffee, and there isn’t enough of it.”
I roll my eyes at his dramatics and settle in to wait. There’s not much else we can do, which gives me far too much space to worry about Theo. I find my eyes drifting back to him as he heads with purpose for the door. For a crazy moment, I think he might actually run, the anxiety too much to bear, but he glances at the director and mutters “bathroom” before he hurries out.
Every instinct screams for me to follow. I physically grab the edges of my chair to keep myself seated. I can’t run after him immediately. I have to hold back and play this the way Theo needs me to. The stakes are far higher for him with his family being here and everything; all I’m contending with is a bit ofheartbreak, and what’s new there?
I shake off the bitterness fast on the heels of that thought. Theo has his whole future to think about. I’ll meet other men in my life, at least in theory. I’ve got less on the line. I’m just a sacrilegious loser who doesn’t belong here in the first place.
“Hey, you okay?”
I startle at Nick’s voice. I completely forgot about my best friend sitting beside me, too caught up in the whirlwind of bitterness and desire and fear swirling around my head and heart.
“Fine,” I say. “Just need the bathroom.”
It’s been long enough, I think, I hope, so I jerk to my feet, give Mr. Jones a nod and head into the hall. I have no idea if I’ll actually find Theo out here or if he went looking for an empty room to freak out in, but I head for the bathrooms regardless. If I see him, I see him. If not…perhaps there will be time to see him later, after this is over.
I reject that immediately. Everything is so uncertain with Theo. I never really know if our next interaction will be our last, and this day is more fraught than most. Looking his father in the eyes with me standing only a couple feet away in the choir could actually scare him away for good.
“Fuck,” I mutter at myself, expelling a shaky breath.
The bathrooms are just around the corner, and I haven’t encountered Theo. I’m on the verge of losing hope when I round that corner and spot him exiting the restroom.
He freezes when he spots me, and I go still as well, scared he’ll bolt if I make any move at all. He’s so stiff and brittle he looks like he might shatter from a breath.
“Hey,” I say to try to break the tension.
He doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t run either, and I dare take a step closer. When he stays put, I close the distance between us, leaving enough space that if someone came around that cornerwe’d look like any two people accidentally running into each other.
The hush in Theo’s voice reveals that we are far more than any two people.
“What you doing?” he says as though afraid someone could overhear us out here.
We’re tremendously alone in this hall at the very back of the facility, but I know even that isn’t enough space for Theo. Nothing but the locked door to my bedroom will suffice to strip down his walls and reservations.
“I wanted to see if you were okay,” I say. “You looked kind of anxious.”
He huffs something vaguely resembling a laugh, but so scared and bitter it’s hardly recognizable. “Yeah, you could say that.”
I reach out on instinct before thinking better of it and withdrawing my hand. “It’s going to be fine. Really. It’s just Mass. We do this every week.”
“My dad isn’t here every week.”
“I know, but we’re still singing like we always do. It’s the same as every other Sunday.”
Theo is shaking his head before I finish. “My dad isn’t going to watch us perform and then quietly go home. There will be questions, and if he suspects a thing…”
I hear everything Theo dares not say. If his father suspects he’s messing around with a guy, especially a guy like me, there will be hell to pay. I don’t know how far Theo’s parents might go, and the fear in his voice makes me afraid to find out.
I can’t stand it anymore. I move forward, boldly wrapping him in my arms. Theo flinches, but surprises me a moment later by sliding his arms around me and squeezing me against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs into my hair.
“It’s okay,” I say, even though it’s not, even though this sucks,even though I want so desperately for it to be different. “It’s going to be fine. You’re going to do great, Theo. Your dad won’t have anything to complain about when he sees how amazing you are.”
He responds by holding me more tightly against him and breathing deeply, as though inhaling the scent of my hair. I cling to his shirt like I can carry him away from all of this, but this goes far deeper than I can fix in a couple weeks of hooking up. This is Theo’s entire life, a pressure he’s borne since his first breath. I can’t undo that with a hug, but perhaps I can show him that he’s not alone, that no matter what happens today someone will be here to catch him.
