Page 40 of Gay for Pray
I type out the message almost spitefully, asking him if he’s free “to study” on Friday night, when my roommate will be away and we can work on our project without any outsideinterruptions.
I expect him to say no despite the coded language, but for a long time, all I receive in response is silence. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever get. I should probably start bracing myself for disappointment, but I was stupid enough to text him this invitation, so clearly even outright rejection isn’t enough to teach me a damn thing.
Okay.
The response comes after a long delay, and it contains nothing but that single word, complete with a foreboding period.
The elation that should follow a “yes” never arrives. I don’t know why Theo agreed. I have no clue what’s going through his head. The conflict must be intense, but apparently not intense enough for him to swear off seeing me entirely. That doesn’t soothe the sting whatsoever. All it means is that I’m a toy, a temporary diversion, a sin, but one small enough that he believes he can brush me away and clear his soul.
As for me, I’ve got bigger plans for Theo. No, not for him. I’m going to do this for myself. Last year, I couldn’t find a guy at all. This semester, I’ve found a damn priest. Somehow getting laid isn’t fixing anything, so I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. He can treat me like a toy, but I’m plenty capable of doing the same. He’s nothing but a hot, firm body and good hands. He’s nothing but a pretty face and soft lips and a useful cock. I don’t need him to care about me in order to get my needs met. He wants this to be impersonal and distant? Fine. I can do impersonal and distant. I can keep my heart out of this and let him run away when the weight of his sins grows too heavy to bear.
In the meantime, I’m going to show him exactly what he’s missing.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Theodore
I DON’T MAKE IT one step into Jude’s room before his mouth is on me. He yanks me inside by the front of my shirt, our lips slamming together. I hear the door close, but don’t see it, my body responding the second Jude is on me. His touch annihilates every doubt, every fear, every stab of guilt I’ve wrestled with since the last time I was in this room.
He pulls away slowly, chewing on his bottom lip in that way that turns me into a helpless puddle of goo.
“Come on,” Jude says, his voice husky from the kissing. “I’ve got plans for you.”
He tugs me along by the front of my shirt like I’m takeout he ordered for dinner. I certainly get the impression he’s about to devour me when he throws me into his room, not bothering to close the door before he shoves me onto his bed.
Jude pulls off his shirt in one swift motion and climbs onto the bed. He straddles my waist, kissing me down into the mattress before I have an opportunity to appreciate his naked torso. I soak him up by touch rather than sight, hands running up the smooth plane of his back as he kisses me breathless atop his bed.
This time, he pushes me down as he pulls away, peering down at me like a hawk about to swoop at a mouse. His messy hair falls around his face, his eyes bright with the sort of mischief that’s had me in agony this entire semester.
“Tonight,” he says, “I need your cock in me.”
I blink, struggling to process the words. I know that’s a thing people do, but never in my wildest imagination did I believe it was a thingIwould do. I’m not sure how it works, but there isn’t a single stutter of doubt on Jude’s face.
“I, um, I wouldn’t really know…how to do that,” I say.
“I know,” he says, “but I do. Just do as you’re told.”
Jude takes charge, rucking my shirt up before I can respond. He climbs off me so he can pull the clothing off me, then hastily works on the shoes I never got a chance to remove. He rushes through the process, an urgency we didn’t experience in our previous encounters infusing this one. As we sit up to take off our pants, I have a moment to wonder what has him so frantic. This started with us sleeping cuddled around each other because I was too high to be alone. Then I came over here and we spent the whole night touching each other as though we meant to memorize each other’s bodies. But this is pure chaos and motion, a flurry of flung clothes and grasping hands.
Somewhere in the pit of my stomach, I know this is my fault, but as the clothes come off, I set that thought aside, a worry for another day. For now, there’s only this. There’s only him and me and us, living out this fantasy that can only exist in the liminal space of his bedroom.
Jude hops off the bed, walking around naked without a flicker of self-consciousness. He digs around in the drawer beside the bed, which I now know contains lube. But that’s not all he throws onto the bed. A condom follows, as well as an item I’ve only ever seen in internet ads. The long silicon device is flared at one end. As Jude strokes lube onto it, my cock plumps, remembering the feel of that tempting hand.
Then, inexplicably, he hands the dildo to me. I have to stand up on my knees to take it.
“Don’t get flustered on me now, Theo,” he says, and thenickname tingles all through me. No one calls me that except him, and hearing it here in the dark, warm heat of his bedroom brings an extra thrill. “Rub that over me. I’ll help.” He climbs on the bed and stands on his knees facing me, his lips a breath from mine. “It’ll get me all loose and ready for your big, thick cock.”
I almost drop the toy when he seals that with a kiss. Even as our tongues prod, he takes my wrist, moving my arm downward. He guides me to his ass, and I rub the slick toy over him like he said. I know I’m doing it right when he moans into my mouth, teeth seizing my bottom lip.
I adjust, searching for anything that might draw out more of those moans. When I fit the toy between his cheeks, he rewards me with a deeper, sweeter noise. I can feel the tip catch against his hole, but I let it slide along him, not sure if I’m supposed to do more than that yet.
Jude grows impatient with my timid approach, reaching behind himself and grabbing the toy to aim it at himself. I gasp when it pushes at his hole. I canfeelit pressing inside him, the tightness shivering up the silicon and into my hand.
“Slow,” Jude breathes against my lips. “Just like that. Mmm.”
My knees ache from standing up on them. My cock is throbbing for attention. But I go slow, easing the toy into Jude bit by bit.
The way I’m holding it prevents it from going all the way inside, but when I go as far as I can, he says, “Pump it. Fuck me with it.”
