Page 39 of Gay for Pray
Before I can do anything stupid, I get myself out of the practice room with Nick, who’s just as eager to leave as me. He glances back once as we slip out of the church’s side door, almost stumbling over his own feet in the process.
Then I see where he’s looking. It’s that freshman again, the small guy with the dark hair and dangling earrings. He’s on the higher end of the scale, and usually stands in front of Nick during practice.
I nudge Nick with my elbow, both to get his attention back to where he’s walking and to distract myself by teasing him. “So, finally got your eye on someone, huh?”
“What?” he says. He blinks, visibly shaking himself. “No. What?”
“Come on, I’ve seen you checking out that guy before.”
Nick scoffs. “Whatever. He’s just another choir boy. Probably not even gay.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
More straight guys wear earrings than in the past, but the freshman definitely gives off queer vibes. If we were anywhere but a giant Catholic university, I’d say it was a sure thing, but in a place like this you never really know.
“Don’t count yourself out yet,” I say. “Crazier things have happened.”
I’m trying to be encouraging, but my remark dredges up my own situation. My shitty, horrible situation in which I’ve found the perfect guy but he’s going to run away to be a priest. I can’t understand that choice. He’s clearly not straight. I promised him an education, but Theo was a natural. His body took over, andit knew exactly what to do. I bet it would know what to do in other scenarios as well, scenarios I’ve been playing over and over in my head. I’ve been trying to wait for the right time, but it’s seeming increasingly likely we’ll never experience the right time. We might not even experience a whole semester together. If I’m going to get a shot at more, it’ll be by brute force.
“I’m thinking of quitting, actually,” Nick says.
“Wait, what?” His words knock me back into the present.
“It’s just all this getting up early on Sunday shit,” Nick says. “It sucks. We can’t really do this every Sunday, right?”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re supposed to be partying and having fun.”
“Singing is fun.”
He shoots me a withering look. “It’s notthisfun. What’s going on with you? I figured by now you’d be as ready to get out of this as I am. You’ve even got your mystery man to occupy you. You need this even less than I do.”
If only. He has no idea how simultaneously close to and far from the mark he is.
“Don’t quit yet,” I say, ignoring the bulk of his argument. “At least give it a whole semester. If it sucks that much, we can bail next semester.”
“And waste a whole half a year? That’s easy for you to say. You’re actually getting laid. I’m not. I’ve got way more at stake here.”
He waits for me to break, but when I don’t, he huffs and shrugs. “Fine, one semester, but if it still sucks then I’m out of here. You can have your stuffy choir. We might not last that long anyway. Choir Boy will definitely get us kicked out the next time we miss a practice.”
I hold in a whole host of reactions at that one. “Choir Boy” missed out on the same Mass we did, and for reasons Nick wouldn’t believe even if I told him. He knows Theo got fucked upat that party, but he assumes I put the guy to bed and got him right back out of bed as quickly as I could. I haven’t been brave enough to correct that assumption. If Nick knew how long Theo stayed with me, or about that kiss, he’d probably think I lost my mind.
“Anyway, I’ve got good news for you,” Nick says. “I gotta go home for a family thing on Friday. You and your mystery man have the place to yourselves until Saturday night.”
That should be good news indeed. It should be great news. A couple days ago, I’d already be reaching for my phone. Now, I’m not so sure Theo will take me up on the offer. If he does, I should probably go for it, for everything, take what I really want while it’s still (briefly) within reach.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Thanks? That’s it? I thought you’d be more excited than that.”
“I haven’t even asked the guy if he’s free yet. I’ll be excited when he says yes.”
“Dude, he’s a college student. What the hell else is he doing on a Friday night? Studying?”
Nick chuckles, but the laughter dies in my throat before it can reach my mouth. Theo may very well turn me down for exactly that reason.
If Nick thinks anything of my reaction, he doesn’t bring it up, and soon we reach the place in the path where we need to split so he can head to class. I don’t take my phone out of my pocket until I’m sure I’m alone, then I hesitate over the keyboard. Will Theo say yes? It could be too big of a risk even when we’re completely alone in my dorm. What if someone saw him heading to my room?
