Page 15 of Gay for Pray
“This isn’t the appropriate place for something like that,” I say stiffly.
“Yes, of course. Wouldn’t want to offend God with my happiness.”
The bitterness finally creeps into his voice, as though I’veundone all our work toward being minimally friendly project partners with that single sentence. Well, it’s true, though. This isn’t the university you come to to have “college experiences,” especially queer college experiences. He should have gone somewhere else if that’s what he wanted. Though, he couldn’t, could he? He didn’t have his pick of several schools like I did. He had to go with the one that offered him financial aid, even if it meant being one of the only openly gay students at a Catholic university.
“Actually,” he says, “I’m going to a party on Saturday.”
He throws this out like it’s some kind of prize he won, but I’m the wrong person to try to impress that way. I’ve never been to a party on campus, and I probably never will.
“Apparently it’s going to be pretty crazy,” he goes on. “Some frat house that’s known for throwing some real ragers. You could go if you weren’t allergic to fun.”
It’s a jab, and an obvious one at that, but I resist rising to the bait. Something about this whole study session has me wanting to push back, to surprise him, to subvert his expectations. For some reason, I care about shocking him. I know he’s only telling me this because he thinks I’ll be appalled and quote some piece of scripture at him, and while I certainly could do that, I don’t let myself. Jude wants to see me as what he thinks of as a religious nut, but he knows nothing about me. He’s operating purely on assumptions, and for some reason I simply can’t let that stand.
Perhaps that’s why I say the dumbest thing I possibly can.
“Fine. I’ll go.”
He sits up straighter and blinks. I’ll admit it takes an effort for me to resist doing the same. Those words hang in the air between us as though someone else said them. I don’t go to parties. I never go to parties. I’ve never had any interest in going to a party. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, and I’ve certainly never had sex. There is nothing for me in an environment like thatexcept for all the sins and vices I’ve dedicated my life to avoiding.
But some part of me can’t let him goad me like that and get away with it.
He thinks I’m a stuck up boy scout who never has fun? Fine, I’ll prove him wrong, even if it comes at the cost of ruining my Saturday night study plans. I’ll show him I’m more than what he paints me as, future Catholic priest or not. Bravado tingles through me, leaving me jittery as it hits me that I really will go through with this just to subvert his expectations. I don’t know why I care so much, but now that I’ve thrown myself into the fire, I find that I’m determined to withstand the heat.
“Are you serious?” he says.
“Absolutely.”
“But you’re…”
“How can I minister to my future flock without experiencing the same worldly temptations they will?”
“Do you even party? Do you even drink?” Jude says.
“No, but I’m still a college student. Isn’t this what college students do?”
“Yes, but it’s not whatyoudo.”
“Like I said, worldly temptations. It will make me a better priest some day. You can’t guide people’s spiritual lives if you know nothing about their mortal lives.”
The excuse sounds ridiculous even to me, but Jude just sits there gaping at me. I hold his gaze and refuse to back down, meeting him stare for stare as tension trembles between us. Then a slow smile crawls across his face and a twinkle lights those pale eyes. He sizes me up, taking my measure in a glance, and I try to suppress a shudder.
“Fine,” he says. “I already have your number because of this stupid project. I’ll text you on Saturday. You can go with me and my roommate. Do you know Nick? He’s also in the choir. You might recognize him.”
I don’t, but I nod as though this is all perfectly normal and sane, as though I’m not doing the absolute dumbest thing I’ve ever done. My heart beats at my chest like it means to flee before this disaster can unfold, but we’re stuck on this crazy ride now and there’s no getting off. I am going to a real deal college party.
With Jude.
What could go wrong?
Chapter Nine
Jude
NICK’S GLARE BURNS ON the back of my neck, but I stare steadfastly at the bathroom mirror and continue attempting to tame my hair. The waves have a mind of their own and I mostly let them fly free, but it would be nice if the brown mess listened to me once in a while.
“You invitedhim? Are you insane?” Nick says.
“What? It came up naturally. I didn’t think he’d actually say yes. I thought it’d be funny.”
