Page 33 of Wild Fixation
I sink into it, giving myself to the music the way I have since I was a kid looking for a way to explain feelings that as yet had no name. It’s always been my escape and my refuge, the place I go when I need to process.
Seth is certainly giving me a lot to process.
As I belt out the notes, it’s like I’m screaming them to him all the way across town. We spent that night and morning together, but his discomfort rolled off him in waves as he bid me goodbye. He’s going to try to keep some distance between his job and what we just did. He’s going to run from it. I know it before he even has the chance to say it. Why can I attract anyone in the world except him?
The song ends, dumping me back into reality, where I have no buffer from the thoughts scratching at the back of my mind. I don’t even have proof of my worries, but the sick feeling burrowing into the pit of my stomach leaves no doubt that it’s only a matter of time before Seth pushes me away to preserve some sense of professionalism. He kept repeating how this is his job and it was inappropriate, meaningless objections I couldn’t care any less about. But Seth cares, and that’s going to make all the difference when he starts running last night through his head.
Before I can escape into another song, Dan’s phone buzzes at him. He looks at the name on the screen, then puts up a finger, indicating he needs to answer. We wait, tension billowing up like steam out of a vent as Dan’s expression turns grave and he says variations of “I understand” to the person on the phone. He hangs up with a sigh.
“Well?” I prompt when I can’t stand it any longer.
“That was Emmett,” Dan says.
“Why’d he call you in particular?” Keannen says with his usual brashness.
Dan shrugs. “Dunno, but he said we’ve got a meet and greet next week.”
Everyone groans at the news. It’s not that we hate meet and greets. I mean, I guess Shawn and Keannen do, but the rest of us genuinely enjoy meeting fans. The problem is more the constant, non-stop scrutiny we’ve been under since the end of the tour, the interviews, the social media posts, the mob scenes every time we leave our houses, the incessant stories and photos in the press. We haven’t had a second out of the spotlight, and it’s starting to wear us all down. A meet and greet is about the last thing we need right now.
“I know,” Dan says, “but Emmett says we have to do it. It’s already set up. We just need to show up, sign some autographs, take some pictures. The usual thing. No big deal.”
“It’s a big deal when we’re all exhausted,” I say.
“No choice,” Dan says.
We all know it’s true, so no one bothers to contradict him. He rattles off the details, date, time, place, all of that. I’m not really listening. I’m more focused on bracing myself for yet another situation where management trots me out to smile and wave and be photographed.
“Seth is working on a team,” Dan says.
“He won’t be there?” I ask a bit too quickly.
“He’ll be there, but Emmett said he wants to get some new guys in too, try them out in an easy, low-stakes situation. It’ll be a good opportunity for him to step back and let someone else take over. It has to happen eventually anyway.”
Right. Of course it does. Seth’s assignment was never permanent. He was never going to be my knight in shining armor forever. He’s only here because he hasn’t replaced himself as our bodyguard yet. The meet and greet is a great opportunity for him to take a step back, which only makes me dread the whole experience more. I don’t want someone else protecting me. I don’t want someone else filling that “knight” role in my life. That spot is for him, if he was only willing to accept it.
This is going to give him the perfect opportunity to pass the title on to someone else, to passmeon to someone else. He can create the space he craves and run away from what we did, and knowing Seth, that’s exactly what he plans to do.
I don’t know how I’m going to change his mind, but after having a taste him, I can’t simply let him slip away.
Chapter Eighteen
Seth
“TELL ME MORE ABOUT your past security experience.”
The man in front of me nods before launching into an expanded summary of his resume. I have the paper before me, but I want to hear it from his own mouth. Ryan is a large guy with a military haircut. When I hinted at that, he happily talked about that aspect of his background, and it forged an instant bond between us. I was pretty sure he was the guy as soon as we went off on a tangent about our time in the military, but I’m doing my due diligence regardless.
This is too important for me to leave any stone unturned. If my gut is right and Ryan is the guy, he will step up to replace me as Jacob’s bodyguard. Jacob and the rest of the band, of course. As Ryan discusses a security job at a parking garage, my mind wanders off to the types of situations I’ve already encountered: the practice, Jacob’s birthday, the interview at the station. How would Ryan perform in those situations? Would he be able to protect Jacob?
My stomach twists as my mind wanders to the drive home after Jacob’s birthday. Could I trust Ryan to help Jacob up to his apartment? Could I leave a too drunk Jacob in his care for the whole night? My mouth goes sour at the very thought, but apparently I hide it well because Ryan tells me about a high profile client he did some work for this year. It’s exactly the type of experience I’m hoping to hear about, but something inside me hesitates regardless.
“All of this experience is really great,” I say. Then an idea strikes me, something off the script I prepared for these interviews. “Let’s play out a quick hypothetical. Say you had a client who was a favorite target of the press. You get him home and find a pack of reporters staking out his place. He doesn’t want to fight his way through the crowd. What’s your play in that scenario?”
Ryan isn’t thrown for a second. He nods along, answering immediately.
“Is there another way into building? A back exit?”
“There’s a parking garage, but they’ll be able to follow you in.”
