Page 83 of Fox
“Mama J…” I roll my eyes at the whine coming from Atlas. He walks over and rests his head on Janie’s shoulder, which takes some crouching and bending to reach.
“Yes, Atlas, I know you guys are tired and hungry.” She lets out a sigh as she looks up from her phone. “Alright, our Uber is out front. Let’s go to the hotel. I’ve already placed orders with the hotel’s room service app to have meals in our rooms.” The three men and I all exchange looks like we’re thinking the same thing: Janie is precisely what’s been missing every time we've gone to a convention.
I rub my chest as the ache returns. I’ve been feeling this ache all week. At first, I thought it was heartburn, then a heart attack. Actually, I’m still convinced it’s an attack on my heart, just not in the medical sense. I’m going to make Janie go to Chicago after this convention is over. I think. I don’t know, I don’t want to. God knows I’m sick over the thought. Losing her will gut me worse than anything. But it’s not fair to keep her if she wants to go. It’s selfish. So, I’m going to tell her to go, tell her I will buy her out of Hel’s, so she has money to get a place in Chicago, and then I’m going to mentally and emotionally check the fuck out until I die.
“Come on, boys,” she gives us a tired smile. “Let’s head out.” We grab our bags, and I take Janie’s as well before heading out of the airport.
Janie and I aren’t talking much, not because we’re fighting or anything, I think I’ve been distancing myself to prepare for the inevitable and she’s probably picked up on it or something because she’s been spending a lot of time at Ren’s instead of Hel’s or home. And for added insurance, I’ve been staying late at Hel’s or falling asleep on the couch instead of our bed.
Fuck, when did I start calling things ours?
I want her to stay. But this job is an amazing opportunity for her, and I won’t be why she doesn’t take it. I won’t look at her and see her resentment. I’ve experienced that enough in my life, and I couldn’t handle it coming from her. And I can’t haveher stay with me, hoping that someday, I can love her how she deserves to be loved.
I do love her. And fuck, do I really love her. I don’t know when it happened. Maybe I always have. But that just means I’ve got to step back. What if I tell her I love her, and she stays with me, and then I fuck everything up, which is a given. If that happens and she gives up her future and has to start all over. How would I be any better than that purple-haired fuck face, Brody? I thought maybe we could be long-distance, but how would that work? How will I be okay with her alone in another city? Traveling to all these places, in different time zones, with different people. We wouldn’t make it, and I would lose my shit. If anything were to happen and I couldn’t reach her…
I turn my head to glance at Janie. She is explaining to Ash the different merchandise she brought for the convention. I can see how excited she is to talk about it by how animated her hands are as she speaks. God, I am in love with her, and doing what I need to do to make her happy in the long run is going to fucking destroy me. But I’m willing to suffer that pain if it means she’s happy.
Janie usesher key card and lets us into our room. I set down our bags and look around. It’s a nice suite. It's clean and modern, with a balcony overlooking the ocean, though it’s black outside right now. I eye the single bed and partially wish there were two of them, only because I know there will be a fight in our future, and she won’t want to sleep in a bed with me.
“The food should be here soon.” Janie’s voice is soft and small, the complete opposite of how she was with the guys. “I was going to head to the shower unless you wanted to take one first.”
I desperately want a shower, but I shake my head. “You go ahead. I’m going to check my emails first.” Lies. I don’t have any unread emails. I had been glued to my phone most of the trip when I wasn’t afraid of falling toward the earth in a tiny sardine can.
I can tell she knows I’m lying when she smiles softly and nods. “Okay, thanks.”
Once I hear the bathroom door shut and the water turns on, I let out a massive breath as I walk out to the balcony. I may not be able to see the ocean, but I can hear and smell it and not smell Janie, which is very important right now. I inhale the salty air as I sit on the chair outside. Staring at my phone, I look at the photo on the lock screen. It’s a picture of Janie and me at the festival. She is on my back and grinning over my shoulder. We both look so happy. It’s probably my favorite photo in existence. Every time I look at it, I can’t help but smile. I want more of those pictures. I want to make more memories with her.
I hate that it has come to this, and so quickly. I spent so much time denying my feelings, pretending to hate her, that I wasted so much between us. I think back to her birthday at the club when she asked me to dance.
“Not even if there was a meteor heading straight for us and the only way to save all of mankind was to dance.”
Goddamn it, why didn’t I dance with her then? Why didn’t I kiss her the first time I felt the urge? Why am I still not telling her everything that’s going on inside me?
I hear the bathroom door open and quickly shove my phone into my pocket before standing up.
Steppingout of the bathroom after a much-needed ice-cold shower, the smell of hot wings hits my nose. I raise my brow as I look at Janie.
“You hate wings?” I say as I grab my shirt and throw it on before sitting next to her on the loveseat.
“I know, but you like them, and it’s been a rough day, so I thought you’d enjoy these. And look!” I stare in disbelief as she opens the small refrigerator and pulls out a container.
“They had peanut butter pie!” I watch as her smile drops slightly. “It’s your favorite, right?” It is my favorite. My favorite meal, dessert, and she has my favorite beer sitting next to my food.
“Why are you doing this?” She flinches, and I realize that might’ve come out harsher than I intended. She lowers the container with the pie and puts it back in the fridge.
“I’m your girlfriend. Girlfriends do nice things.”
“Janie…” Another flinch. Except it’s more than a flinch. Her eyes go glassy, and her bottom lip trembles.
“I…” She forces a small laugh. “You never call me by my government name.” There’s a tremor in her fake joking voice, and I hate myself for putting it there.
“There is a ticket in your bag for Chicago,” I say as I take a long swig of the beer.
“I’m aware.” She whispers, and I freeze, my beer bottle still at my lips.
I look at her and raise a brow. “You know? When?”
“Brandon called me to confirm yesterday. I was confused at first. But you used Hel’s email address for the confirmation from the airlines, and I saw it.” Her arms wrap around her midsection as if she’s trying to hold herself. “It’s funny,” she chuckles. “You got me a ticket to get out of Hel’s, and I was going to give you this.” She reaches in her tote back, pulling out a folder and hands it to me. Setting my beer down, I open the folder and squint to read the pages.
