Page 35 of Stevie
Brooks gets out of the Jeep before rounding the front and coming around to open my door. “Do you want me to carry you in?” He asks, and I want to laugh at him, but the sincerity in his tone stops me.
“No, thank you. I’ll walk. It would probably be too painful on my incisions. I just really want to take a shower. I feel so gross.” I laugh lightly. Brooks nods as he walks me into the house.
“I got a shower chair in your bathroom to make it easier. If you need help, just yell for me.” He says, and I pull away.
“Yeah, because letting you see me naked is exactly what I’m going to do.”
“I see you naked all the time,” he says slowly as I shake my head.
“That isn’t happening anymore.” I state, walking to the bathroom.
“W-wait, what?” He walks up next to me, stopping me from entering the bathroom. “Stevie? Did I do something?”
“No,” I state as firmly as I can. “Yeah, we had the friends-with-benefits thing, but now that–”
“That I’m your boyfriend?” I roll my eyes.
“I asked you to be, and you said no, so we are not boyfriend and girlfriend.” He lets out a huff.
“Alright, Peaches, what are we then?” I think for a moment before shrugging.
“No idea. We like each other but have no sex. So, an old married couple?” I walk into the bathroom and shut the door before letting out a tired breath.
“I’ll have you know that my grandparents are in their nineties and still have sex!” He calls through the door, and I shudder at that image.
“Go away, Brooks!” Glancing at the tub, I see the chair sitting in it, waiting for me. I begin removing my clothes, trying to muffle my cries of pain while doing so. I don’t want Brooks to come in here. And knowing him, he’s on the other side of this door waiting to bust in.
I turn the water on so it can warm up and am about to climb into the shower when I stop. I know I shouldn’t. Nothing good will come of it, but I do. Turning around, I look at myself in the mirror, and everything hits me like a wrecking ball.
It really happened. They really took it. I should be happy and relieved, and a part of me is. Still, at this moment, I feel a deep sort of loss and sadness I wasn’t expecting. I hover my hand over my lower abdomen, and I can almost feel the emptiness. But that’s ridiculous, right? How can I feel the loss of something the size of my fist?
No one will want you now. Especially not him.
I gasp at the intrusive thought. I have to stop this. This surgery was to give me a better life. I should be thankful, not sad. But even as I think these thoughts, Iamsad, and now I’m filled with shame for feeling sad.
I manage to get myself into the shower and go through the motions of cleaning my body and washing my hair. By the time I’m done, I’m too exhausted to move anymore. So I sit in the chair, staring at the white-tiled wall while the hot water droplets turn cold against my skin as they run down my cooling body.
“Alright, Peaches,” Brooks’ voice sounds so far away as he opens the door. I don’t bother trying to stop him. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. The energy it would take to utter words is more than I have to give right now.
“Fuck! Stevie,” He rushes into the bathroom, and he must’ve grabbed my towel because he’s wrapping it around my cool body. “Baby, oh my god, you’re freezing.” Am I? I feel almost numb. Brooks hoists me out of the chair, and in my head, I tell him to be careful not to hurt himself, but I can’t get it out. He lays me on his bed before going to his closet and returning with a hoodie. I allow him to slip it on and smile softly at the bagginess of it. There were no baggy hoodies in my past relationships unless they wore mine.
Wait,relationship?This is not a relationship. This is–
“Baby,” his voice snaps me back, and I look into his eyes. “Please talk to me. Are you tired? Did you overexert yourself? Do you need your painkillers?”
“Brooks,” I barely get his name out. I feel exhausted on a soul level. I see the worry etched on his strong face, and I wish I could tell him I’m okay and have him believe it. But it would be a lie that he would easily see through. “No one will ever love me now.”Did I say that?I must’ve, though I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to let out one of my deepest fears, not to anyone, especially Brooks.
Brooks touches my cheek and uses his thumb to brush the wetness off my cheek. Tears. When had I started to cry?
“Stevie, sweet girl, listen to me. You have no idea how much you are loved.”
“No man will want me, I’m not a real wo–”
“Knock that shit off.” He snaps, and I watch the fire ignite behind his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re going through, Stevie, and I won’t even begin to try to act like I understand it. But I will not have you lay there and say that shit when you know damn well it’s false.”
Snorting, I roll my eyes. “You’re just being nice.”
“Yeah, well, one of us has to be. You know damn well my feelings for you. They haven’t changed. I may not bring them up because I want you to feel comfortable the next time I declare anything, but that doesn’t mean the feelings are gone, Stevie.” Brooks goes to his feet. “I’m going to grab your medicine and some water.” I want to stop him, to talk to him about what he said, but instead, I let him go. His feelings haven’t changed. So, heisin love with me?
