Page 82 of Derek
“I’m sorry,” she says through her tears. “I know it’s stupid to you, but I–”
“Hush,” I grab her by the cheeks and wipe away her tears with the pads of my thumbs. God, this isn’t how I wanted our last night here to go. I wanted to tell her my feelings, make love, and fall asleep with her wrapped in my arms. Now I’m about to crawl into a small tub with her sobbing and shaking from the storm. I throw the pillow in the tub and sit down. Once I’m situated, I grab her and the blanket. Indy curls tightly into me while I stare up at the ceiling, wishing I could take her fears away.
“The Emperor Penguin can hold his breath underwater for twenty minutes,” I say, breaking the silence and causing her to laugh against my chest.
“I…am aware.” She says weakly.
“Female penguins also tend to look for bigger males as mates.” She nuzzles into me as I speak, while gripping my shirt tightly. “And when the female finds the one she wants–”
“She touches his neck,” she laughs again. “I am very knowledgeable on penguin facts, but good to know you read the pamphlets.”
“Actually, I looked those facts up back in New Orleans when I had to go without a bed,” I admit, and I hear her sharp intake of breath. She moves her head to stare up at me.
“Why?” She has the widest eyes as she stares up at me. I can’t tell what emotion they are showing. Nervousness? Fear? Hope?
Taking a breath, I decide that it’s now or never. I also decide that Indy is it. I’ll open myself for her, but only her. I can only pray that once I do, she wants me as badly as I want her. “Because you said you liked penguins, and I wanted to make sure to have some penguin facts to give you if you and I needed something to break the ice.”
“Derek,” she starts, but I interrupt.
“I have feelings for you, Indy.” I blurt out. I watch in horror as her mouth drops open, and she pushes off me to get up.
“But… what about the deal?” Her brows furrow together, and oh my god, there is no way I’ve been this blind. There is no way I’ve been falling for her, and she hasn’t been for me… is there?
“Fuck the deal,” I state, sitting up straighter. I would get out of the tub if I thought for one second my body could support me. I have too much anxiety coursing through me right now, so it’s best to stay put. “There was no pinky promise, so it wasn’t a real agreement.” Not even a small smile. I watch as her eyes go distant before looking away.
“Nothing has changed,” she whispers as her face looks pained. “I still have MS, I could still relapse, and you don’t need that burd–” I silence her by putting my hand over her mouth while shaking my head.
“Your MS sucks, Indy, I get that. And it breaks my heart when I see it take something from you. But never, and I mean never, are you a burden. Not to me. Never to me.” She rolls her eyes before leaning back from my hand.
“You say that now.” She huffs out.
“And I’ll say it again in an hour, tomorrow, next month, and next year if need be. However many times I have to remind you until it sticks in your beautiful head. That’s how many I’ll say, plus one more, because your stubborn ass will need the extra kick.” She rolls and presses her lips together, and I know it’s to stop her smile.
“Tell me something,” I say as I grab her hand, placing it on my thigh where a thick pink scar is hidden under my pajama pants. “What would’ve happened if I became disabled after the tractor incident?”
She narrows her eyes, and I know it’s because talking about the tractor flipping and my hospital stay is a very sore subject for her. “What do you mean?”
“I could’ve lost my leg,” I shrug nonchalantly. “I could’ve become paralyzed, wheelchair-bound, anything.” Running my fingertips over her knuckles, I stare at her crystal blue eyes. “Would you have written me off as a burden, Indy?”
“Of course not.” She scoffs as if she’s insultedIwould even suggest it. “I would never do such a thing.”
“So what? You think I am capable of such a thing?” Her face instantly drops at my words.
“No! Derek, it’s different. I don’t know what might happen! I could be fine for the next several years, or I might not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. That kind of uncertainty is–”
“Is the same for everyone,” I state firmly. “I could’ve gotten into a wreck on the way home from work. I could’ve been mauled by penguins today.” She giggles softly, and it hits me right in the heart. “The point is, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Tomorrow you may wake up feeling great and ready to go back home and start getting back into our routines, or you could wake up and be in too much pain to move. If that’s the case, we adapt.”
“Adapt?” She raises a brow, and I nod.
“I will order room service. Yes, I said room service. We will watch all the shows that I hate at your preferred volume, I will massage you and help you bathe, and then I will pay a handler to bring a penguin up here so you can pet it in the bed.” Tears begin to roll down her soft cheeks as she stares at me in wonder.
“I don’t understand,”
I laugh softly, “Little Darlin’, you are my happiness. My light and my home. My life is richer just from you touching it, but I’m selfish and a little bit possessive… maybe.” I give her a playful wink. “I want my life to continue to get richer. I don’t want this to end; I can’t let it end.” Taking a deep breath, I look directly at her.
“So, you can say no, but I’ll still be around. I’m not running, and I’m not shutting down anymore Indy. I’ve stayed quiet and alone for half of my life. I won’t do it again. I care about you, and I will fight for us. For as long as it takes.”
She stares at me for a long moment, and it causes my already accelerated heart rate to spike up even more. “I’m not going to make this easy,” she warns softly, and I instantly relax.
