Page 60 of Ash
I watch as Sunday turns around and walks out of the studio. “Fuck, Sunshine, wait!” I call after her as I try to get through the glaring women blocking me at the entry. Once they let me pass, I jog up to Sunday and grab her by her elbow.
“Hey, Sunshine, wait.”
“Don’t,” she snaps while ripping her arm out of my grasp. I notice in the glow of the streetlights that she is crying, and it guts me. The last thing I want is to hurt her.
“Sunday, I’m so s–”
“Sorry? For what? For yelling to all our friends that you don’t love me or for not loving me at all?”
“Well, I mean–” It’s evident I take too long when she starts walking away again, this time with more speed.
“God damn it, Sunday!” I holler as I catch up and then stand in front of her. “This isn’t easy for me and you’re making it a lot fucking harder by acting like this.” Oh… that was stupid. So, so very stupid. I watch her wounded expression change to stone and her eyes narrow.
“Oh,” she says slowly, her voice is laced with a bitterness I have never heard from her before. “My apologies. I am so sorry for making this difficult on you, Ash. Here, allow me to make this simpler. Fuck. You.” My face falls as she shoves past me and heads back towards the studio.
“Fuck me?” I state, walking behind her.
“Yeah! Fuck you!” She turns around and shoves me before staggering back towards the building again. “You want an emotionless fuck? Go find one, I’m done.”
I stop in my tracks. “Done?” I try to breathe out, but there is no air in my lungs. She can’t mean that, can she?
“Yeah, done. I told you; I’m not wasting my time with someone that doesn’t want me or to plan a future.”
“W-well god damn, Sunday! We haven’t been dating that long! I mean… you’re throwing a lot at me here!” Her eyes soften the slightest bit and I watch as she relaxes her stance before wiping the tears off her cheeks, and I want nothing more than to wipe those tears away for her. I fucking hate myself for hurting her this way.
“You’re right.” Her voice doesn’t sound like hers. My Sunday has a powerful, commanding and inviting voice, full of self-assurance and determination. But this voice… it’s so small, scared and broken. “I’m sorry.” Her voice cracks, and she tries to hide it with a cough. “I know you’ve been through a lot, and you’ve been nothing but honest and upfront about not wanting more. This is my fault, Ash, I’m the one that caught feelings when I shouldn’t’ve.”
“Wait,” I breathe out as I feel the cold grip of my anxiety tighten its fingers around my throat. “W-what you said in there… it wasn’t–” She shakes her head as she chuckles lightly, fresh tears spilling out of her eyes.
“It wasn’t an accident.” Her eyes find mine and I watch her bottom lip tremble. “I’m in love with you, Ash.” My heart is pounding so hard I fear it might actually explode. She’s really in love with me? Me?
“Sunday,” I breathe out and I watch her face scrunch up as if she’s in pain, as if she already knows what I’m going to say. “Baby, I’m so sorry.” My voice hitches and I feel tears starting to roll down my face. “I’m just, I’m not the guy you plan your forever with… as much as I wish I could be.”
“But you could!” she sobs out, and it’s another knife to the heart. “Are you going to stand there and tell me that in all this time, after all we’ve been through, you haven’t developed any feelings for me at all besides physical attraction?”
“Of course not,” I groan in frustration. “But that doesn’t mean that I feel like I should act on them. Damn it, Sunday, I was so happy with the situation we were in. Why does that have to change?” I watch her face crumple completely and everything stops. I can’t move, I can’t remember how to breathe, and I can’t bear what she says next.
“Because,” her voice squeaks out. “You weren’t a ‘situation’ to me.” She looks up at the night sky for a moment before digging the heels of her palms into her eyes. “Fuck,” she hisses under her breath, and I watch her body go tense, and when she looks back up at me, her eyes are cold and so distant. She’s shut off on me completely. “I would like you to leave now.” She says and turns to walk away.
“You mean the party?” I ask timidly.
“I mean from my life,” she states distantly, not turning around. “I don’t have time for any more situations.”
“You’re… breaking up with me?” I croak out as dread consumes me.
Sunday grips the door handle and glares back at me one final time.
“No, I’m not breaking up with you. In order to break up with you, we would’ve had to have been something. And apparently, we weren’t.”
Chapter26
Sunday
“You want I go gut him?” Nika asks as she hands me a coffee. I chuckle even though it’s hollow.
“Thank you, Nika, but I would fear for your inmates in prison if you were to get caught.” I pat the old woman’s arm.
“Caught? What is? I have never been caught. Stefa, you tell your friends! Twenty-seven men go into my village. How many come out? Nula.” She slices her old hand through the air across her neck. “Stefa know, she tell you. Baka Nika most wanted, never caught.”
