Page 2 of My Husband's Wife
He nods, not taking too much notice of what I say. It hurts me to think how little he probably remembers of Hugo. My phone beeps. It’s Mum.
Have a safe journey and give Caiden a kiss from Nanna. I’ll come and visit soon. Call me when you get there. Love to you all. X
As I drive along the steep road down the hillside, I try not to cry. I’ll miss my mum most of all. We said our temporary goodbyes last night over dinner, and she promised she’d visit soon. She’s been my rock since Hugo’s death. I take a deep breath. It’s not like we’re moving to Australia; it’s a three-hour drive to our new home. Mum used to drive coaches to the Highlands in Scotland before she retired. Driving to Combe Martin will be a walk in the park for her, and I kept reminding her that I’ll be coming to visit all the time.
* * *
As we reach our old house in Malvern that Caiden and I shared with Hugo, I pull over.
‘Can I stay in the car with Freddie?’
‘I’d really like you to come with me. I think we should both leave these flowers for Dad, don’t you?’
‘Of course, Mum. I’ll come with you. Shall I put Freddie’s lead on?’
‘Yes, please.’
Above us, a sheet of grey cloud is pierced by a golden ray of sun. It bounces off the car window, almost blinding me, as I open the back door to release Freddie and Caiden safely onto the path. My son presses his lips together as he looks at the Victorian house we called home for nearly nine years of his life. It stands proudly, double fronted and three-storeys high – solid and imposing on the panoramic landscape behind it. The curtains I made for the upstairs windows are still hanging up. I almost see the ghost of Hugo holding Caiden as a baby, bouncing him up and down while pointing at the birds nesting in the tree opposite.
Hugo and I moved in three months after we got married. The tall ceilings, original tiled hall and the dining room that fitted a ten-seater table in it overwhelmed me. Growing up, it was just Mum and me, living in our small apartment in Redditch right opposite Grandma’s bungalow. Meeting and marrying Hugo felt like a dream. Soon after I found out I was pregnant, we danced around the living room, ecstatic with the news.
Here I go again, living in the past. I feel my chest getting tighter and my breathing quicken. Being back here does that to me. While playing with my wedding ring, I count and breathe slowly to quell my anxiety. As my heart rate returns to normal, I open the passenger door and grab the bunch of daisies off the seat.
‘Come on, Mum. We’ve got a long drive ahead.’
The new owner comes to the window. She rocks a tiny baby in her arms while pointing at a raven sitting on the stone wall that divides the drive and the road. She turns my way, her features hardening as she pulls the curtains closed.
I follow my son to Hugo’s apple tree, the one we planted on the edge of what was our land, when we moved in. The wall that separated the car parking space from the sheer drop below was never rebuilt. My heart bags and blood thuds through my ears as I think of our old car being driven through those bricks, straight over the steep ledge. The weathered tape that someone from the council had tied across the gap has been there for years now. I should have fixed the wall before I moved out, but money had been tight back then. Hugo had a life insurance policy in place to cover the outstanding mortgage on his death, but there wasn’t much left in the way of savings. I always thought we had more but it seemed we didn’t have a buffer.
Freddie drags Caiden to the tree and pees. ‘Freddie, that’s Daddy’s tree.’ Caiden gently pulls Freddie over to a patch of grass.
I smile and sit opposite the base of the tree. Placing the flowers against the bark, I take in the messages that Caiden and I have carved into the wood over the years. Hugo’s tree… Sadly missed… Love you to bits… With my help, Caiden had scratched a smiley face into the bark. Beneath the earth, I’d buried a brief letter to Hugo, asking why – just why. I told him I loved him over and over again. He really left a hole in my heart; but now I’ve met someone who has filled that void, though it feels disloyal being at the tree while I’m so happy. I’ll always bring Caiden here when we visit Mum, but I am saying my final goodbye to sadness and mourning. I owe it to Zach to find closure and concentrate on us. He’s a good man who deserves all of me. It’s not that he isn’t understanding, he is. He’s known loss too; that’s why we are such a perfect fit.
‘I will never forget you, Hugo.’ I pull my first wedding ring from my pocket and the mini gardening spade from my bag. Digging up the earth around the tree, I drop my ring into the mud before refilling the hole and placing a grey stone on top. There’s a slight lump in the earth where I buried my letter. It looks disturbed so I shovel some of the mud away, and when I dig a little deeper, I find my letter has gone. Someone has taken it. It saddens me that someone would do such a thing.
I glance at the edge of the drop and my stomach lurches. Caiden is getting closer to the drop as Freddie pulls him in every direction. I want to shout at him to get back, but if I alarm him, he might fall over the edge.
My knees turn jelly-like as I get up and creep up behind my son. I snatch him in my arms, drawing him close. ‘Don’t you ever do that again, Caiden,’ I shout.
He stares at me, wide-eyed, like I’m crazy. It’s been a long time since someone has looked at me like that. Guilt immediately washes over me. Caiden has every right to look at me in that way; he just doesn’t know why.
‘I was just looking at the fields and trees. I wasn’t near the edge, I promise.’
‘You were, I saw you.’ One pull from Freddie and he’d have been at the bottom of the hill, dead amongst the treetops below. The sheer drop sends my stomach whirling. The miles of green fields ahead of us, interspersed with roads and houses, make me lightheaded. I place Caiden down then I pull him even further away from the dangerous drop. A raven lands in Hugo’s tree and croaks, sending shivers through me. It’s as if Hugo is there, watching over me and reminding me of my past failings.
‘Are you angry, Mum?’
‘You scared me. Your dad lost his life here, you know that. I don’t want to lose you, too, do you understand?’ I see from his reddening face that he thinks I’m telling him off, but I’m not. I have nightmares of what happened to his father and I couldn’t bear anything like that to happen to my son. In my mind, I picture Hugo going over that edge in his car and it haunts the hell out of me.
He bites his bottom lip and nods in his usual exaggerated way. ‘I’m sorry.’ He pauses and stares at the flowers. ‘Bye, bye, Daddy.’ He smiles. ‘Can we go now?’
‘Yes, I’d like that.’ I grab the mini spade and throw it in my bag.
As we get into the car, I feel lighter now that we’re leaving the old for the new, and I can’t wait to get to Combe Martin. I turn the radio up and ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams plays. Caiden shouts ‘happy’ every time Pharrell sings the word, and right now, apart from my son standing too close to a steep edge while we were by the tree, I am happy and nothing can take that away from me; from us.
I should be able to leave the past behind, but all I can think of is Hugo going over that edge. Guilt threatens to overwhelm me. Hugo also took my secret with him, one so big, if my son found out what I did, he’d never forgive me.
Two
