Page 11 of My Husband's Wife
She smiles, happy that I can accommodate Theo’s needs. Hugo was never worried about crowds or open spaces, and he’d never have survived as a loner. He needed people, craved them even. Have I got this wrong? Theo has a mole in the exact same place as Hugo’s and I see my son in him. I feel sick so I take a deep breath and exhale to the count of five.
Madison continues. ‘This might sound like a strange request, but can you recommend a falconer? He loves birds. We listen to the owls hooting where we live in that once overgrown cottage that is now our home. He’s a real nature geek. We have a handful of children attending the wedding and we thought it might be nice to maybe have an owl ringbearer.’
I shiver at the mention of birds. I bought Hugo that raven toy for his car, twice, because he was such a bird geek. He used to stand in our garden with Caiden and they’d listen out for the owls together. My heart is humming and my hands are shaky so I place my pen down.
‘That’s a beautiful idea. We do have a falconer that I can contact for you.’ I’d read in my pack about the birds of prey and their handlers. I know we have a falconer who takes the birds to events to raise money for the sanctuary they work at. ‘I think you’d be looking at about four hundred pounds.’ I let out a breath slowly, unsure of how I’m keeping myself together right now.
‘That’s fine. Please book them and invoice me. It’ll make Theo’s day and anything that puts him at ease will be worth it.’ I can tell that Madison adores Theo. She’ll do anything for him.
I adored Hugo.
I check the system to see if Hallie took their full address when she made the appointment and she has. ‘Have you walked around the grounds yet? Maybe we could do that next and I’ll show you exactly where the ceremony will take place?’
‘We’ve already had the full tour when we came here for the wedding fair.’ She shakes out her curls, and I catch sight of her beautiful French manicure. I wonder how she can look so perfect so soon after giving birth. She’s thin, maybe worryingly thin, and looks delicate in every way.
Throughout the turbulent first year after giving birth to Caiden, I struggled to remember to shower, let alone consider a manicure. I reach up the back of my scalp again, thinking back to how I pulled such a large clump of hair out, how I picked the scabs and kept pulling them up until they joined to form one big scab. Zach has never seen that side of me. Hugo did and during my darkest periods, like when I first had Caiden, Hugo had to do everything for our son because as soon as our son cried, I cried with him. That’s when I started to think he was trying to get Caiden taken from me. He called our doctor behind my back and then he called my mother. Mum turned up and I did something I will never forgive myself for. No, I can’t ruminate over that night. It’s too painful. Is Hugo outside, soothing his new baby while thinking about what I did that day? I thought my secret had died with him. Self-hatred fills me.
‘Eva, is that sorted? Can I leave the falconer with you?’
I flinch and come back into the present. ‘Yes. So, we’re going for the falconer, an outdoor ceremony and the silver package? Is that correct?’ I run through all the details with her and we arrange for them to return to enjoy a taste of the food, before making a final decision on the menu. ‘We work closely with a baker who specialises in wedding cakes.’
‘It’s okay. I have that sorted.’
‘Great. I’ll err… I’ll see you in two weeks for the food tasting.’
‘I can’t wait.’ She pulls a card from her bag and passes it to me. It’s headed up, Madison, AveNew Hair and Beauty Salon. I read the sentence under the salon name. When you leave, you find the new you in AveNew.
‘I have a salon on the outskirts of Ilfracombe. Can’t blame a girl for trying to get more business, especially now I’ve upgraded our wedding; everyone has to have their hair cut at some point.’
I place the card down on my desk, my hands still trembling. ‘Thank you. I haven’t been here long and I think I will need a cut soon.’ I really like Madison. I feel she is the type of person I could be friends with, if I didn’t think she was trying to marry my so-called dead husband. A part of me wants to kick myself. I could have this all wrong. I’ve got things like this wrong before and I am stressed. Maybe I saw Hugo’s face in Theo because I wanted to or because I’m aware that I’ve left his memory back in Malvern, or is it the guilt I can’t let go of? The one person I want to tell all this to is Mum, but I know she’d worry. She’d have every right to.
‘Well, I might see you at the salon soon, then.’ She stands. I shake her hand. She holds onto me and places her other hand warmly over mine. ‘Thank you so much for making this easy. I really feel I can trust you, Eva. Our wedding is in good hands.’
I wonder if she can trust her husband-to-be. After leading her back through reception and out to the car park, we watch as Theo sings, ‘Twinkle, Twinkle’, to their baby while gently rocking her in his arms. Hugo used to do the exact same thing with Caiden. I want to run over to him, shake him and ask him how he did it? Instead, I wait for Madison to take the sleeping baby from him before placing her in the car seat. As she’s leaning into the car, clipping the little one in, Theo glances in my direction before swiftly turning his back to me. Something strikes me: Theo has brown eyes whereas Hugo had blue eyes.
‘Hugo?’ I say, just loud enough for him to hear.
He doesn’t even attempt to turn around, then he gets into the car leaving Madison to say their goodbyes. It strikes me as odd that he didn’t even turn around to correct me.
Madison thanks me again, ‘And I’m so excited about the owl. I can’t thank you enough.’
Maybe I have this all wrong. If Theo is Hugo, how could he stand there and not acknowledge that I’m his wife?
‘You’re welcome,’ is all I can say as I wave them off.
As Theo starts the car, his stare is fixed on mine in the wing mirror. I want to turn away but it’s as if I’m hypnotised by him, and he can’t break our eye contact either. I’m looking into the eyes of the man I love with all my heart but can’t explain the coldness spreading deep within my core. The intensity of his gaze is wild and creepy. I’m scared of him.
Nine
Caiden skips beside me as we head to the café in Combe Martin. I love that my son is happy here even though I’m living in some kind of weird hell. Did I see Hugo the other day? That is a question I’ve continuously asked myself since the meeting.
Zach has been pushing me to tell him what is wrong, and all I’ve said is work stress. I mean, I’ve only been working at the Sea Horse Hotel for a few days and I already look like I’m having a breakdown. Zach doesn’t know the real reason, the one where I think one of my new clients is my dead husband. If the last time I mentioned Hugo is anything to go by, I know it’s best not to say too much again. How could I even begin to broach the subject? I’ll sound crazy and crazy isn’t a label I want to wear ever again. The last time that happened, I thought I’d lose everything I cared about. I swallow. After what I did, I deserve to lose everything but I’m lucky I didn’t. I grip Caiden’s hand, knowing how truly blessed I am. We pass the convenience shop and Caiden points at some toys in the window. ‘We’ll have a look later.’
I think back to Zach. This awkwardness that has crept between us over the past week didn’t exist before. I can’t help thinking that Mum might be right. Maybe I shouldn’t have made this move but it’s too late now. I’ve ploughed every resource we have into being here.
‘Mum, can I have a cookie at the café?’ Caiden is reluctantly still holding my hand. He thinks he’s too old for public handholding with his mum, but he’ll always be my baby. I keep a protective hold of him as we reach a slight bend. A car whizzes by. There’s hardly any pavement and some people really do drive like they have a death wish.
A ray of sunshine burns my flustered face. ‘Of course you can,’ I say as I finally loosen my grip of him.
