Page 21 of My Husband's Wife
‘I’ve disrupted your plans. I’m really sorry.’ Mum hugs herself, embracing her bag, like she always does.
‘Nonsense, Susan. You’re always welcome here. Let me take your coat.’ Zach always says the right things.
My mum smiles but that smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She passes her coat to Zach. Underneath she is wearing her favourite shapeless orange jumper, the one that needed de-bobbling several years ago.
‘That sounds lovely and you’re right. I’m famished. We can eat and you can tell me everything. I’ve already had the house tour,’ she says to me.
However nice Zach is to her, she still suspects him of using me which is ludicrous. I may have put most of the money into this house but Zach has been here making it a home. A bit more doubt creeps in. Since talking with Nicole on the beach, I know he, maybe they, are hiding something from me. Now I’ve had a bit of distance from our conversation, I wonder why she brought up the pub and Zach’s brother. Why didn’t Zach mention something as silly as joining a pool team, making a few friends and speaking to her at the pub? Why didn’t she mention it before now and why did she decide to tell me today? It doesn’t help that I feel Nicole and I are becoming close as friends. Maybe that’s why she told me. I could do without these worries on top of my suspicions about Theo.
My mum continues speaking, ‘This house is gorgeous. I can see why you moved here even though I miss you all to bits.’ Her brown wavy hair falls over her shoulders as she fluffs it up.
I lead her to the snug as Zach heads to the kitchen, leaving us to talk. ‘Look, I know I’ve turned up unannounced but?—’
‘Mum, I’m really busy at the moment with work. It’s not a good time.’ A short while ago, I wanted her to be here so I could hug her, but I want to talk to Zach, so I wish she wasn’t here. I feel the buzzing in my head again, like I have done in the past. When everything gets too much, the tsunami of thoughts start. My heart thrums hard. If I could, I’d walk away and take some time out. Though, if I dare to do that, my mum will suffocate me with concern.
‘I know and I feel bad but I was worried after our last conversation. I’ve been trying to call you back. You don’t answer and you send me that photo, and I can see you’ve been pulling at your hair.’ She walks around me, checking out my appearance to see if I’ve been looking after myself, then she examines the back of my head like she used to do when I was a child. I hated the mittens she used to make me wear to stop me picking. I told her that my school friends had started bullying me and she still made me wear them.
I flinch and step out of the way. ‘I’m okay.’ I tease the hair down that she’s ruffled. So far Zach hasn’t noticed and I want to keep it that way.
‘That looks sore. I hate to see you like this again.’ She reaches up and strokes my face like she always did when I was a little girl. I’ve been half a foot taller than her since I reached fourteen. She hugs me. She cares and all she’s done is help me with everything. We managed her work shifts and mine so we could both bring Caiden up together after Hugo died. How could I stay angry at her? I enjoy her warmth and the scent of her peach shampoo – the smell of home – she’s used the same shampoo since I was twelve. I find that smell grounding when I’m anxious and I’m anxious at the moment. It’s in this moment I realise that I need my mum. She knew I needed her and she came.
The words tumble out of me, about crashing into the fence and seeing Hugo again, how his gaze lingered on the photo of Caiden. ‘It’s him. I did doubt myself but after seeing him again I’m certain.’
She sits on my plump couch next to the log burner, then she grabs a cushion to hug. Always something to hug, that’s Mum. ‘Sweetheart, we’ve talked about this. It can’t be him. It’s impossible and you know it.’
I check the hallway to see if Zach is close by; he isn’t. He’s still in the kitchen clattering plates on the worktop as he prepares our lunch. I’m safe to carry on talking. I don’t want Zach to worry about me and I don’t want him to think I’m not over Hugo because I am… I was. ‘It’s him,’ I snap. ‘And I’m worried about Caiden.’
‘Is Caiden okay?’
‘Yes… no. He talks to himself; well, it’s only been twice. Actually, I’ve heard him talking to his dad like he’s in the room. If I hadn’t seen Hugo, I’d have put it down to grief; now I wonder if he’s seen Hugo too. Something has made him think of Hugo.’
‘Darling, that’s not possible because Hugo is dead. You have to accept it and move on. This is stressing you out and it’s all for nothing.’
My thoughts go back to overhearing my son. He claimed to be talking to Doggo and we’d just turned up at the new house. He couldn’t have seen Theo before we got here, so I think the raven toy triggered memories of his father. I still wonder if he got it from that cupboard but why, and how did it get there? Or did he have it with him when we left Malvern? ‘When did Caiden rummage through that stuff that was destined for the charity shop?’
‘Are you talking about the raven and how he might have got it?’
I know I didn’t explain myself well but I’m getting confused with everything and my mind is moving at a million miles an hour. First it’s full of Theo, then of me seeing his face close up, then Madison telling me that they’re getting married sooner and packing up to live in Loch Ness; and I’m starting to doubt Zach. I drove into a fence. My mind goes quiet as I concentrate on my breathing. I doubt Zach, and that doubt couldn’t have come at a worse time because I need him more than ever. If only I’d never had my breakdowns. I’d be able to speak openly to everyone. However, I feel if I show one sniff of me being on my crazy path again, I don’t know what will happen; I couldn’t bear to be parted from my darling boy if I had to go to hospital. I’d rather die than lose him for a single minute.
‘Eva, the raven?’
‘Oh, yes. When could he have got hold of it?’ I ask.
‘It was about two weeks before you moved.’
I blow out a breath and place a hand over my ever-increasing heartbeat. ‘That makes sense.’
‘I’m glad something does. So is everything okay now?’ She tilts her head. ‘You’re stressed and it isn’t good for you.’
‘I am not stressed,’ I snap. Stress isn’t causing all this. It’s Hugo, Theo, whatever his name is.
She pats the seat next to her so I sit. ‘I’m here for you and we’re going to get through this, okay? We’re going to book you an appointment at the doctor’s and get this sorted.’
No, no, no – not again. I am not having a breakdown and I know what happens when doctors get involved. This is real, not a manifestation of my psychosis. That is all behind me. I want to yell this out loud, but Mum won’t believe me and Zach will run in wondering what the hell is going on. ‘I’ll call them.’ I won’t but she doesn’t need to know that.
She places her cold hand over mine. ‘It’s for the best, before things get worse. This isn’t like that time at uni or when you’d just had Caiden. We know it’s coming on now. We know what to look out for and seeing things that aren’t real is a biggie.’
‘But I saw him and he was there.’
