Page 58 of Boston
“This is more than that,” Blaze said. “Cash doesn’t think he belongs here with any of us. He feels like we all have our new lives, and we don’t even think about him or any of our kids from our first marriage. That they’re lost to us.”
Mav’s mind rotated around Boston and Beth, his stomach clenching that they might feel like they didn’t belong in the family, to him.
“I didn’t know they felt like that,” Jem said.
“Maybe your kids don’t,” Blaze said. “You’ve got two, and they were pretty little when they came here. Cash was twelve, and he had a lot of anger at me for not being around for those years, and now he thinks I’ve swapped him out for a new family and that I don’t care about him.”
“He said that?” Mav asked.
“He said it,” Blaze said. “Just before he walked out on our dinner last night.”
Even Jem remained silent, and that said a lot.
“I’m real sorry, Blaze,” Mav finally said. “I’m sure he was just speaking from a place of hurt or anger.”
“Yeah, well, the most honest things come from those places, don’t they?”
“What are you going to do?” Jem asked.
“What am I supposed to do, Jem? I have a daughter who will be two in September. Am I supposed to leave Faith home with four kids to prove to my twenty-five year old son that he matters?”
“I don’t know,” Jem said.
“I thought I’d been there for him,” Blaze said. “I’ve done my best. Lord knows I’ve done my best.” His voice broke on the last word, and that carved Mav’s heart straight in two.
He expected Blaze to get out of the hammock and storm away, as that would be classic Rodeo-Blaze move. When he didn’t, Mav knew that he was not the same man he’d been back then.
“You can’t do more than your best,” Mav said.
“He’ssohurt.” Blaze sniffled, and even from several feet away, Mav heard him draw in a deep breath. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. A father is supposed to protect and care and love and serve his kids. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe I’ll never be able to fix this.”
It took a few extra moments and a lot of ab strength, but Mav finally got himself out of his hammock. He moved past Jem and over to Blaze, and he said, “I’m coming in there with you, brother.”
Surprise crossed his darkest brother’s features, and then Mav crowded into the hammock with him. “Sometimes it’s not up to you to fix it,” he said.
“What would you do?” Blaze asked. “If Beth came to you and told you that your actions have told her that you don’t care.”
Mav blinked, trying to find the right things to say to his older brother. “Well, I’d probably make a list.”
Blaze scoffed, the sound turning into a laugh. “Of course you would.”
“I’m serious,” Mav said. “I’d make a list of all the things I’d done, all theactionthings to show her that I love her. And then I’d compare it to a list of the things she wishes I would have done that I didn’t do. I’d try to find out for myself if what she was saying was true or not, and if it was, then I would try to make it right. But if it’s not, then Blaze, brother, this is a problem for God and not for you.”
“He’s right,” Jem said, appearing on the other side of the hammock. “I’m coming in, dude.”
“Jem, there’s no way you’re gonna fit in here.”
“Oh, I’m gonna fit. These things stretch.”
“How much weight can this thing hold?” Blaze complained as Jem jostled the two of them around.
Mav definitely felt like they were sinking too close to the ground, but he didn’t care. He’d piled into beds and tents and the backs of trucks with his brothers before, and this only reminded him of that. Of course, they’d been much smaller men then. Teenagers, really, with Mav being one of the skinniest.
They swayed as they finally all got settled with elbows and knees in the right place, and Mav put one of his hands over Blaze’s heart.
“You’re a good man, Blaze,” he said. “You love your son, and he knows that.”
“I don’t know if he does or not,” Blaze said. “I thought he did.”
