Page 70 of Oath of War
The sky roared, answering her call, and I once again watched helplessly as the woman I loved took comfort in my dragon’s presence.
The following two days were the most torturous of my life.
After Annika had called Vahin to the palace, I thought she would disappear into his coils, warding herself from the world, as she did when Alaric left. Instead, she dragged me onto his back, insisting that we immediately fly to Zalesie.
I thanked the gods that she’d had enough patience to let me send a message to my brother before we set off. I asked him to bring Agnes with the army; Annika was distraught, and if she didn’t want me near, she would need someone to look after her. Somehow, her maid had become the only person my Nivale listened to.
As we sat before our campfire, resting Vahin’s overworked wings, I couldn’t stop myself from covertly glancing at her. It pained me to see her so quiet and withdrawn, snuggled into the crook of Vahin’s elbow. She looked so small as she gazed, unseeing, at the fire.
‘We’ll be at the fortress by the morning,’ I said, hoping to easeher worry. ‘I asked for Agnes to be sent with the army, and I don’t want to get in trouble if she doesn’t find her mistress there.’ When I didn’t get a response, I sent a silent message to Vahin, but his only reply was a feeling of disquiet.
‘I told you, I’m going to Zalesie. If you want to go to the fortress first ... fine. I know the way to town. I can walk if I have to,’ Annika said as she flipped burning twigs with a stick.
‘No one is walking anywhere as long as I can fly. Orm is just worried. As am I,’ Vahin rumbled, curling protectively around her.
‘Ani, we are too late to help. Why not go to the fortress, find out what happened, and go there prepared?’ I asked, wincing as the stick snapped in her hand.
She shook her head, throwing the stick into the flames. ‘I’m not stupid. I know it’s too late, but what if someone survived? What if they are hiding, waiting for a miracle while we sit here, warmed by the fire? I shouldbe there. It was my duty to protect them, and I failed. Gods, I left them because I thought I could help!’
She squeezed her eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths. Vahin reacted instantly, moving his head until she had no choice but to lean into him.
‘I’m tired, Little Flame. I could not fly any farther tonight, but we can continue as soon as the sun rises,’ he said, a rumbling purr rolling out, which seemed to calm her. Annika forced a smile, stroking his eyelid as I marvelled at hearing my dragon lie for the first time. Vahin could fly day and night, but he had lied to protect her.
‘She feels guilty but she’s exhausted. My Little Flame blames herself for Alaric’s departure, and now she blames herself for Zalesie. She needs time to gather her strength. She can’t face the destruction of her town like this,’he said, answering my unasked question.
‘I’m sorry, Vahin. I didn’t realise ...’ she murmured, and something inside me broke. I, too, wanted to give her time, but the beast inside me was restless, and before I knew it, I’d walked over. She raised her head as my shadow fell over her.
‘Annika, please. You can’t do everything, and you can’t blame yourself for something beyond your control. Why do you take such a burden upon yourself?’ I argued, again feeling utterly helpless.
‘Because someone has to. You saw them during the war council meeting, heads up their arses and bickering like children. None of them cared about the borderlands ... no one ever cared.’ A tear slid slowly down her cheek. ‘Do you remember telling me how you first saw me? You saw me as a weapon, as someone who could make a difference. What difference did I make to Zalesie?’
I was speechless, seeing the haunted look on her face as she looked up to the stars, gazing into the vast darkness while her tears fell silently to the ground. I would have given everything to take her hurt, but no one had taught me how to console a broken heart. Instead, I kneeled next to her and held her hand.
‘How arrogant I was,’ she said, finally looking at me. ‘Thinking I was some great conduit mage just for killing some spectrae and an olgoi worm, for bartering with the Dark Mother.’ She continued in a whisper as she swallowed her tears, ‘How ridiculous. I thought ... I truly thought I was strong enough to change the course of the war.’
I wanted to tell her, to remind her how brave and strong shewas, that it was not her magic, but her compassion that changed so much for so many. That she wasn’t just a warrior or a weapon, but someone who loved and lost and still stood firm against the worst of odds. That I would love her even if she hadn’t Anchored my soul.
I cursed myself for being unable to find the words. Cursed that my mind was locked behind the stoic, emotionless soldier I’d been trained to be. Instead of talking, I moved closer, leaning my head against her shoulder, and joined her scrutiny of the stars.
I felt a warmth through my bond with Vahin, his silent approval.
‘Just be there for her when she is ready,’ he rumbled in my mind, his tail moving to envelope us. ‘She loves you, and she will come around.’
‘How can you be sure?’
‘Because I know her heart, and right now, she is afraid she will lose you, too. But my Little Flame’s spirit blazes brighter than the darkness coiled around her, and she needs you maybe more than ever,’ he responded with such certainty that I slowly relaxed.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to rest. Not when, even in her sleep, quiet sobs escaped Ani’s lips. I wiped away the salty tears with my thumb.
Despite Vahin’s reassurance, my helplessness was killing me, until finally, I gave up, climbed to my feet, and covered Annika with my cloak.
My dragon gave me a questioning look, seeing I had drawn my sword, but he didn’t comment when I marched into the woods to practise until I was covered in sweat, and exhaustion drove all thoughts from my mind.
After returning from my practise, I’d collapsed against Vahin’s tail, desperate to be close to Annika, and slept until morning dew and bird song woke me from my sleep. Somehow, in the course of the night, I’d found my way to her side.
As I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was her tired, pale face. She was in my arms, snuggled to my chest, awake yet unmoving, but I was grateful even for that small mercy.
‘Good morning, Nivale,’ I said, kissing her forehead. Her breath stuttered, and she opened her mouth as if to say something. I felt her nestle closer, but as soon as she’d started to, she was gone, pulling away with a tense smile.
