Page 31 of Keep My Heart
‘I’ll try to be quiet when I get back,’ I say, ignoring his question.
He’s acting like I’m going on a real date, but I’m not. I’m just helping out an old friend. Helping her get ready to date again. It’s fake. We’re pretending.
I’m just not sure what exactly that means and how far to take it.
Chapter 7
Lyndsay
‘What do you think?’ Nick asks, bringing me another beer. I’m on my third one and it needs to be my last. I’m way past tipsy and might be drunk. I don’t feel drunk, but after having wine at Matt’s house followed by three beers, I have to be at least a little drunk. ‘You okay staying a little longer?’
‘Yeah, I love it!’ I yell above the music.
Harley’s is loud, mostly because of the music that’s playing, but also from all the people. It’s not a big place, and it’s filled to capacity. I recognize at least half the people here and talked to a few of them, but was able to keep it short since it’s so hard to hear. Brenda, a woman who lives a few houses down from my mom, asked me where Chris was, but I pretended not to hear her and talked about something else.
Tonight, I don’t even want to think about Chris. I just want to have fun and hang out with Nick on our pretend date. I know that’s what we’re calling it, but it feels more real than fake. Nick’s arm keeps going around my waist and pulling me closer. I think he’s just protecting me from being bumped around by peoplegoing by, but it feels like more than that. And he keeps leaning down to talk to me, which I’m sure he’s only doing because it’s loud and hard to hear, but a few times he got close enough that his lips brushed over my ear. My body got all warm and tingly, like it did earlier, which I’m realizing is something I’ve missed. I’ve felt nothing for Chris for years, not even when we were intimate. It just shows how disconnected we were, and how the marriage should’ve ended a lot sooner than it did.
These feelings I’m having with Nick are showing me how alive I could feel with another man. It’s giving me hope, making me believe I could someday find a man that I love and connect with, who makes me feel the sparks and tingles that I should’ve felt with Chris. I felt that way in the beginning with him, but those feelings faded away the longer we were together. I thought it was normal, just a side effect of being married. But then I’d see Diane and Tom and how they still flirted with each other and still had that spark, and realized my marriage was missing that. It took me a long time to admit that to myself, and even longer to admit it to Diane. She’s the only one I told. I didn’t want to tell anyone else, especially people here in town, who still, to this day, think Chris and I are the perfect couple.
I’m dreading people finding out about the divorce. I think my mom is too, which is why she hasn’t told anyone. She hasn’t said it, but I think she’s disappointed in me for getting divorced. She’s from a time when you just stuck it out and stayed in a marriage that made you miserable. I stayed as long as I could with Chris, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. Not only were Chris and I living together like strangers, but he was always draining our bank account with all his shady businesses.
‘How about a dance?’ Nick asks as a slow song comes through the speakers.
‘Are you serious?’ I ask, thinking he must be joking. Nick isn’tthe kind of guy who would dance. He’s too shy and serious and doesn’t like people watching him, or at least that’s how he used to be.
‘Come on.’ He takes my hand. ‘Just one. If you want to quit after that, we can.’
He’s not kidding. He actually wants to dance. He’s holding my hand and leading me to the middle of the bar, where three other couples are dancing. I can feel people staring at us, and if the music wasn’t so loud, I’m sure I’d hear them talking about us, too.
Nick’s arms go around me and I feel a warmth spread through me. It must be the alcohol, or maybe it’s Nick. Maybe my feelings for him from the past are coming back, although it never felt like this. In high school, it was more of a teenage crush on the cute boy who helped me pass algebra. I liked talking to him and would’ve spent more time with him if Chris wasn’t so jealous. He didn’t want me even looking at another guy.
‘This isn’t so bad, is it?’ Nick asks, leaning down to my ear as we sway to the music.
Why is he doing this? He knows this will be all over town tomorrow. People are going to talk about me being with Nick and wonder why I was with him and not Chris.
Why do I care? I don’t live here, and it’s not like my divorce is a secret. I’m sure by now someone’s found out, which means everyone will know by the end of the week, maybe sooner.
I look up at Nick and smile. ‘You’re a good dancer.’
He chuckles. ‘You’re a good liar.’
‘No, really, you are.’
Our eyes meet and I see a glimpse of the Nick I used to know, the smart, sweet guy I used to sit next to at the kitchen table as he explained my homework in a way I actually understood. I remember thinking he’d make a great dad someday. He was so patient, never getting frustrated or upset with me.
‘You look beautiful tonight,’ he says.
‘You look good too.’
He looks better than good. He looks hot. His shirt clings to his chest muscles and has to stretch to fit over his ripped arms and shoulders. He was in good shape in high school from all the work he did on the orchard, but he has a lot more muscle now, and I swear he seems taller, way over six feet. I’m five seven and feel tiny in his arms.
The song ends and Nick asks, ‘Could I talk you into another one?’
I nod, then rest my head on his chest as another song starts. His arms close around me as we move to the music. He smells amazing. I don’t know what cologne he’s wearing but it’s my new favorite. And I love the way he’s holding me, close but not too tight, and the way he moves us slowly around the dance floor.
It all feels so good, the way I wish things had felt with Chris but never did. I never felt safe or cared for when I was with Chris. I felt like a possession, like Chris had claimed me as his. When I was younger, I took that as a sign of how much he loved me and wanted me. But as I got older, I realized he just saw me as something pretty to keep at his side when we’d go out. Then when we’d get home, he’d ignore me and watch TV or talk on the phone or get on the computer. There was no closeness like I’m feeling now, no intimacy. Even sex with him didn’t feel intimate.
As the song ends, I feel Nick pulling away. I want to hold on to him. I’m not ready to give up how I’m feeling right now. I’ve spent the past few months feeling sad and hopeless about my future as a divorced woman, thinking I’d never fall in love again. But now, being in a man’s arms, a man who’s kind and caring and makes me feel safe, I realize I want that. I want to find love again.
