Page 73 of Afterglow
We hold each other in silence. In the past, it would worry me if there was nothing for me to say. But at this moment, I realise sometimes nothing needs to be said between two people who care about the other.
Jazmine breaks the hug and resumes a place beside me on the back of my open car trunk. She intertwined our fingers before she spoke. “What happened Theo? And I don’t just mean today,”
My chest heaves. “I know,”
“I wanted to say something but I also hoped you would come to me if something was wrong.” Jazmine pauses, her gaze finds mine. “We face everything together from now on. I know you like to take care of me, but I want to do that for you too.”
I steady myself by taking a deep breath. My thoughts are all over the place and I don’t want to put all of that onto Jazmine. “I just—” My eyes shut and hand squeezing Jazmine’s. “For once I just want the fucking universe to be on my side. Seems like everything always goes against me.”
When Jaz doesn’t reply, I continue. “I want to tell you everything but it’s…it’s really heavy and hard to talk about,”
“That’s okay, you can stop whenever you want.”
Here goes nothing. “The summer before my senior year of high school my mum killed herself,”
Jazmine gasps, her hand squeezing mine. “Theo,” her voice breaks.
“Everything was normal. It was Friday afternoon and I was looking for her. She was a professor at the University of Texas but she never worked on Fridays.” I pause.
Fuck. I have never told anyone about my mum. I didn’t think it would be this hard. My hands shake and I push back the rising pain in my body.
“I searched the house and the last place I had to look was the bathroom. Everything was such a blur but, in my gut, I knew something was wrong." My voice cracks as I continue. "The bathroom door was ajar and mum didn’t respond when I called out.”
“The first time my heart ever shattered was seeing her unmoving on the cold white tiles. I tried to wake her, but nothing happened. I could barely see anything because I was sobbing hysterically. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a bottle of pills.
“A few months before the car accident she and her parents were in. My mum was lucky, only sustaining a concussion and a couple of broken ribs. My grandparents on the other hand—” I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut. “My grandfather died on impact and my grandma died after surgery complications.”
Jazmine's sobs carry into my ears. “Theo," she whispers. "This is…” Jaz pulls me into a tighter hug as if I’m going to disappear if she lets go. “Keep going,” she mutters into my neck.
I wrap my arms around her before continuing.
“The pills were oxycodone. The doctor prescribed them after the accident. I was stuck, part of me wanted to freeze but I didn’t want her to—” I stop, the words on my tongue taste metallic. “I called 911 and had to perform CPR until the ambulance arrived. She barely had a pulse and wasn’t breathing. I knew she was gone but I didn’t want to give up. One of the paramedics had to pull me off of her. There was nothing they could do,”
“Was it the survivor's guilt? After the car accident?” Jazmine asked, pulling away from me.
I nod. “She left me and my dad a letter each. Mum felt it was her fault because my grandparents picked her up from a conference she had attended."
I swallow back my sobs, trying to regain strength in my voice. "Afterwards, I completely lost it. My lifestyle consisted of parties every weekend, drinking to forget and using sex to distract myself. Losing my mum was the worst pain I have ever felt. So, I made a promise to myself that I would never have vulnerable emotions for a woman, I couldn’t bear to lose another important person in my life.
“Looking back, I’m not proud of how I used women. They were basically an object for me to release tension and make myself feel better. Then I met you and everything changed,”
Jazmine is the person I never saw coming. If I lost her, I don’t think I could come back from that.
“And your dad?”
“He became distant and removed all of his emotions. He didn’t even realise the depths my depression had reached until my face was splashed across the local newspaper and called his reputation in question. When the Dean of Lakewood reached out to say I was going to lose my offer, I cleaned my act up. I found a therapist, which helped for a little bit, but once I thought my problems were fixed, I stopped going.
“My relationship with my dad became non-existent when I moved to Arizona. I felt like the only thing he wanted was for me to play football and make him look good. He and my grandfather played in the NFL, so the goal has always been to go pro.”
Hearing my dad yelling at me from the distance was a punch to my fucking gut. I know I played horribly, but verbally lashing out at me wasn’t the answer. Do I even want to see him again? Does that make me an awful son?
“Okay, so I’m going to say this now, but—” Guilt washes over Jazmine’s features.
“What is it?” I ask sceptically.
“So, I may have run into your father after the game.”
My eyes widened with fear. “If he—”
