Page 8 of Summer Storm
It's not until she reaches us I’m able to tell she’s older than my own mom. What in the world is going on?
“Amber?” Aaron grumbles, “what the fuck?”
Ah, so this is the infamous Amber.
Chapter 7
Amber alert (the real kind this time)
Aaron
The peals of feminine laughter would make a smart man turn around and get the hell out of here. There are just some things a man should never hear. I pause just around the corner and out of sight of the ladies huddling around a pub table, but do I walk away? No, no I do not. I guess this proves I’m lacking in theintelligence department. Instead, I stand here like an idiot and openly eavesdrop on the inner workings of the female mind and learning things that will keep me awake at night…and probably scar me too. Thank God, there aren’t any visuals.
“Seriously, I wore that outfit in 1985. I was hot back then. Now? Meh.”
Except that. Seeing Amber spilling out of her dress was an experience that’s going to live rent free in my head for the rest of my life. There is no unseeing it or forgetting it because Brielle recorded every last horrifying detail and has watched it at least three hundred times.
“That’s not true, Amber. You’re still a very attractive woman.” One of the girls reassures. Probably Jolie she’s the fashionista of the bunch but I think she may need to have her eyes checked. It couldn’t be her sister; half the time Jorie looks like a walking rag-bag or demented elf at work.
“You know what women my age get?” Amber asks and then pauses, probably to take another drink of her cocktail before continuing. “Shafted, and not in the good way either.”
Oh, Lord, girls…don’t ask, don’t ask, don’t ask. I squeeze my eyes close and pinch the bridge of my nose. I feel a tension headache coming on.
“Um, what’s the good way?” Brielle asks, sounding confused.
Why, into the mattress, honey. Dicked down good and hard. Mm, I sure do miss those days. Enjoy what you’ve got going on now girls because when menopause hits? The body you thought you knew becomes about as easy to navigate as a multi-lane roundabout during rush hour. Hot flashes, hair loss, chin whiskers, ugh! All of the sudden your man doesn’t want or need you beyond cleaning up after his ass, why, I bet it was a woman who invented those tushy-wipes for guys out of necessity. Then the next thing you know, he’s boinking his coed secretary– no offense to any of you young gals, and you’re getting divorced for irreconcilable differences of all things. Bah!”
“I’m so sorry, Amber. Men are pigs!” Now that sounds like Jorie. “But surely, there’s someone out there for you.”
“Phtt. Men my age all have mommy issues. They aren’t looking for someone to have fun with, they want someone to take care of them because their own mothers are getting too close to kicking the bucket and these dudes are hedging their bets. That’s why I’m looking for a younger man. Cheers to knowing what I’m in for if he’s half my age and calls me mama!”
“Cheers!”
After the sounds of glasses clinking together and the giggling dissipate, my curious little Brielle can’t leave well enough alone.
“So…after menopause…you’re still interested in sex?”
“Honey, I’m in the prime of my life! No periods to worry about ruining the moment. That’s not a problem at all; I’ve always had a voracious appetite if you know what I mean.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Neely chirps.
“Erectile dysfunction. You know, the last guy I tried being intimate with couldn’t get it up? I mean, I fluffed for an hour. When I asked him what he thought of trying one of those little blue pills, he said, and I quote, ‘he didn’t like taking it because it gave him a stuffy nose.’ A stuffy fudging nose!”
There’s a pregnant pause and then the howls of laughter drown out the current song playing over the sound system. Yikes, time to get these girls home before they get into trouble. Their lunch out has turned into a liquid afternoon, and it’s just my luck that I picked the short straw and now I have to see each of them home safely.
A few days later, I walk into the office and find Jorie between jobs and Jolie plotting ways to help Amber find a decent man who can also rock her world. Not this shit again, I roll my eyes when they mention Larry the cab driver and someone named Steve who sells insurance; apparently they’re making a list.
“If I didn’t like her so much, I’d set her up with dad.” Jorie laughs at her sister’s suggestion. “He’s driving me crazy. He’sbugging me to come home again. If I were a meaner person, I’d take Amber with me and turn her loose.”
“Well there’s no doubt he can probably uh…rock her world– thinking about that is super gross by the way– but the last thing Amber needs is a guy who’ll never grow up. He’ll just have to live without you. Who else do we know?”
Turning around, I head back into the garage where I just came from, not only to warn the other guys to stay far, far away from the office for a while but also because those two crazy southern witches have made me forget what I came into the office for in the first place.
As I’m running a computer diagnostic on a Jeep Trailhawk, the music playing on the shop radio is interrupted by the sharp buzzer-like alert of the emergency broadcast system. I frown as the air compressor kicks on, drowning out the announcement. According to the news this morning, there aren’t any storms forecast until late. I whistle at Ezra, gaining his attention, and wave at him to shut the compressor down.
“…alert has been issued for the Wintervale area. Two boys, ages nine and ten are thought to be missing from the Wintervale Campground. They were last seen at 9:00 a.m.. It is unknown at this time if the boys became lost on their own or if others may be involved. A description of the subjects are as follows…”
I shake my head; it happens every year. It’s not uncommon for someone to go missing or get lost on the trails. More kids thanyou would think get lost because their parents have gotten lax on supervision, thinking their kids are safe in the park. Hell, a couple of years ago one parent going through a divorce, took her daughter from the campground and made a run for the Canadian border, letting her husband think they were lost in the wilderness.
