Page 75 of Toxic Salvation
“Not explicitly, but looking back on that conversation, it makes so much more sense now. He told me to take care of you and Mom. He said I was the man of the family now and that I should do a better job than he had. When I asked what he meant, he said, ‘Be a better man, Waylen.’”
My grip on his arm tightens.
“I thought it was just the drugs talking. Or death bed rambling. But then he told me not to mourn him.”
“He said that?”
The elderly woman has been lingering behind us for way too long now, clearly more interested in our conversation than in selecting ice cream. I hook my arm through Waylen’s and pull him down the aisle. She watches us go with obvious disappointment.
“He told me not to mourn for him because he didn’t deserve to be mourned. He said he wanted all of us to move on and be happy. His exact words were: ‘Be a better man than I was, Waylen—and tell your sister to be a better doctor than I was.’ When I tried to tell him he was already the best doctor I knew, he cut me off. He said he had sins to pay for and this was his punishment.”
My eyes are dry. I would have expected tears, but there’s nothing. Just a hollow feeling where my idealized image of my father used to be.
“I can’t believe you never told me this before.”
“Would it have made you feel better?”
“No.”
“Then you have your answer.”
We turn the corner into the canned goods section, walking aimlessly now. Our shopping list from this morning is completely forgotten.
“Even if Kovan’s father hadn’t been involved, even if he hadn’t signed Dad’s death warrant, I think Dad still would have wanted to die the way he did.” I brush my hair out of my face. “I don’t think he could have lived with himself taking someone’s liver when he’d stolen so many from his own patients.”
He pats my hand gently. “If this is the only thing keeping you from being with Kovan, then it’s not really a reason at all.”
I stop walking so abruptly that a woman behind us has to swerve her cart to avoid hitting me. “Did you just say what I think you said?”
“No guy is ever going to be good enough for you, V.” His voice goes gruff, the way it always does when he’s trying not to get emotional. “But I think Kovan can make you happy. If he can get over himself long enough to admit that you make him happy, too.”
“But you don’t like him.”
“I’m worried he’ll break your heart. But I’d worry about that with any guy you were serious about.” Waylen stops walking and turns to face me fully. “I think Kovan—asshole though he can be—isn’t actually a bad guy. If what you’re telling me is true, he’s willing to lose billions of dollars to stop a business that’s going to make him a lot of enemies. That already makes him a better man than his father. And ours.”
I lean my head against Waylen’s shoulder, suddenly exhausted. “You’re a good big brother.”
“I know. I’m the best.” He kisses the top of my head. “But just so we’re clear—if you tell Kovan about this part of our conversation, I will completely deny it.”
Laughter bubbles up despite everything. “I have one last question. If you secretly think we’re a good match, why do you give him such a hard time about me?”
Waylen’s answer comes without hesitation. “Because you’re worth fighting for, V. And if he’s willing to fight for you, then maybe he deserves you after all.”
27
VESPER
“Why the hell isshehere?” I hiss.
Pavel steps into my path, dropping his voice. “She has a visitation today, Vesper. Court-ordered.”
“The judge is out of his mind!” I shove Pavel aside to catch another glimpse of Yana as she sways through Kovan’s house like she owns the place. “Does Luka even want to see her?”
“Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what Luka wants,” Pavel answers patiently. He stops me before I can do what I’d like to do, which is go wring her neck. “Yana is his mother and she convinced the judge she cares about her son enough to get biweekly visits.”
“This is complete and total bullshit.”
Pavel exchanges a glance with Waylen, then looks back at me. “Maybe you should go upstairs until the visit is over?”
