Page 21 of Toxic Salvation
“I’m sorry,” I say. “About your mother, I mean.”
She turns inward. Her hair falls forward, hiding her face from view. “Have you been spying on me?”
“Waylen told me.”
“Of course he did.”
“How is she doing?”
“She has cancer, Kovan. How do you think she’s doing?” Then she closes her eyes. “Sorry. That was— I’m not handling any of this well.”
“Don’t apologize.” I take a half-step closer, then force myself to stop. “I like it better when you fight back. At least then I know you’re still in there.”
She looks at me then, and I see the exhaustion carved into every line of her face. “I have to fight for her, because she won’t fight for herself. She’s giving up, just like…”
“Just like what?”
“Nothing. Forget it.”
I pause. Wait. But she doesn’t fill in the empty space. “If you need anything for her,” I say carefully, “anything at all, just ask. If you want her closer, she can move in here.”
For a brief instant, something soft flickers across her face. Then she grimaces and it disappears. “Thank you.” She stands abruptly, putting distance between us. “I want to go to bed now.”
“Vesper—”
“If there’s anything I need, I’ll let you know.”
I can only nod. But as I turn to go, she calls my name.
“Since I’m living here now,” she says, “am I allowed to see Luka? Or are you going to keep him away from me, too?”
My scowl twists up. “Apparently, no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep you two apart.”
“Why would you want to? What did I do that was so terrible?”
“You didn’t do anything terrible.”
“Then why?—”
“BecauseIdid,” I explain, still looking at the ground. “I lied to you. I kept things from you. I let you walk into a situation where you could have been killed.” I rub the back of my neck, suddenly exhausted. “You want the truth, Vesper? I was scared. Scared of losing you, of what you’d think if you knew everything. So I told myself I was keeping you safe when really I was just being a coward.”
She stares at me, and for a second, I think she might forgive me. Then she shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” she says quietly. “What’s done is done.”
“Look, Vesper?—”
“Honestly, I can’t do this right now, Kovan. I can’t hash out our fucked-up relationship while my mother is dying and I’m pregnant and my entire understanding of my father just got blown to pieces.” The breath goes whispering out of her. “I just… I can’t.”
Silence.
More silence.
More awful, empty silence.
“If you want to see Luka,” I say, “go see him. He’s been miserable without you.”
“And you?”
“What about me?”
