Page 158 of Toxic Salvation
Coffee.
Alcohol.
Sex.
Especiallysex.
Although that could just be me. That could just be a side effect of having a boyfriend—excuse me,fiancé—as hot as mine is.
Every night, when we go to bed, it’s an exercise in self-restraint not to climb aboard and have my way with him.
So, maybe it’s a good thing that he’s been so busy these past few weeks that we’ve barely gone to bed together. He usually slips in beside me in the middle of the night when I’m fast asleep. I’m only aware he’s there when he passes me a mewling infant who demands milk. He stays up with me while I feed Tali and then he puts the baby back in his crib, singing Russian lullabies the whole time.
I don’t know where he gets the stamina from, because I certainly don’t have it. And I’m at home all the time.
Which is another reason this doctor’s visit is so damn exciting.
I love being at home with my boys—but I wasn’t meant to be a stay-at-home mom. I hate myself for even thinking it, but I can’t deny that the stir craziness kicked in about a week after Kovan went back to being a full-timepakhan.
“How did you do it, Mom?” I ask as Nikolai drives us to Dr. Mann’s private clinic in the middle of the city. “How did you deal with giving up your career to stay at home with Waylen and me?”
Mom adjusts her headscarf, the one that hides how her hair is thinning from the chemo. “Well, first of all, I wasn’t a doctor who was saving lives on the daily; I was an accountant. It wasn’t exactly a spiritually fulfilling pursuit. When I had Waylen, I realized that I’d much rather be a mother. Staying at home wasn’t a choice—it was my calling.”
I study her pale face in the rearview mirror. The treatments have been harder on her than she lets on. This morning’s session left her nauseated and exhausted, but she insisted on coming with me anyway.
“God, that makes me feel even worse.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t feel that way,” I explain quietly. “I miss working. I miss the hospital. I miss having something to do every day that matters beyond diaper changes and feeding schedules. Don’t get me wrong—I love my boys; I love being their mom, but?—”
“It’s not enough to just be their mom, is it?”
I bite my lip. The guilt spreads through my chest. “I’m horrible, aren’t I?”
“Honey, of course you’re not. You’re a doctor and a damn good one at that. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting something for yourself. People assume that a woman becomes a mother and everything else in her life stops. But why should it? Men aren’t expected to drop their lives when they have a baby. So, why should you?”
It’s exactly what I needed to hear. “Thanks for saying that.”
She reaches forward from the back seat and pats my shoulder. “You’ll be back at work in no time.”
“It’s not just that,” I say. “It’s not just my work that I’m preoccupied with. I hate feeling so useless. I hate knowing that Kovan is out there, doing stuff and I’m here, waiting to hear from him. Sometimes, I want to just storm Krayev Headquarters and work right alongside him.”
“Is that an option?”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Definitely not. Kovan would probably humor me for all of ten minutes and then escort me to the carto be driven back home. He keeps telling me that we’re partners and we’re in this together, but then he doesn’t tell me what’s going on. I keep asking him about Ihor and he keeps giving me these vague non-answers.”
“He’s just trying to protect you.”
“I don’t need to be protected, Mom!” I lower my voice, aware that Nikolai is listening. “I’m a grown woman. I am his partner. I deserve to know what’s going on so that I’m not taken unaware when shit hits the fan.”
“Then tell him that.”
“I plan to every night—and then, every night, I fall asleep the moment Tali’s down. By the time I’m awake, lucid and capable of having a conversation again, Kovan’s back at work. I’ve barely seen him this last week.”
Mom keeps rubbing my shoulder. “Soon, this will all be over and he’ll be around more. You’ll have your work and he’ll have his and you’ll find your rhythm, honey, I promise.”
I want to believe her. But six weeks of this limbo has me questioning everything. “I hope it is over soon. I feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin.”
