Page 110 of Toxic Salvation
“That they really want to make this work. That they’re falling for each other. That they want to spend every waking moment together.” She’s quivering with excitement.
“When did she tell you all this? We haven’t even gotten our main courses yet.”
“We were texting under the table while you and Pavel were being all snooty about the wine selection.” She sees me scowling and grabs my arm. “This is a good thing, Kovan. The only thing better than Charity and Pavel taking care of our kids is if they are a couple taking care of our kids. And now, they are.”
She stills the moment she sees the expression on my face. Her smile falters.
“I know this isn’t the best-case scenario, Kovan. Of course, I want to be the one to raise the boys. And wewillbe the ones raising them.” She takes a breath. “This is just insurance, okay?”
I nod and force a smile onto my face, but it feels brittle.
The whole time we walk back to the table together, weaving between other diners and waitstaff, I’m thinking,How is she so much better at this than I am?
How does she manage to plan for the worst while still believing in the best? How does she face the possibility of our deaths with such calm acceptance while I’m over here worried about jinxing us by even having the conversation?
Pavel and Charity are sitting closer together than they were when we left, I notice. His arm is draped casually across the back of her chair, and she’s leaning into him while she scrolls through something on her phone. They look comfortable. Natural.
Like they belong together.
“Everything okay?” Pavel asks as we sit down, his gaze moving between Vesper and me.
“Perfect,” Vesper says.
I pick up my wine glass and take a sip, buying myself time to get my head on straight. We’re here to have dinner with our loved ones and to discuss practical matters that responsible adults discuss.
Nothing more, nothing less.
No juju involved.
38
VESPER
“He’s gonna puke,” one of the interns whispers.
“Nah, he’s gonna pass out. Look at him. Pale as shit.”
“What do you think this is about?”
I clear my throat loudly to interrupt the gossiping. “Maybe if you people stopped whispering, we might be able to find out.”
The interns throw me frightened glances and face forward, toward the staircase where Jeremy is standing, staring down at flashcards that he seems intent on memorizing. His hands shake as he flips through them.
I don’t exactly blame him. Better to focus on the cards than the growing throng of curious doctors, nurses and support staff that have gathered around to hear this sudden “announcement.”
Whatever it is, it can’t be good. Jeremy’s usually perfect hair is disheveled and there’s a fresh graze of stubble lining his jaw. Dark circles ring his eyes. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“Dr. Fleming,” one of the cardiothoracic attendings speaks up, “we all have surgeries scheduled for this morning. So, if you wouldn’t mind…”
Jeremy looks from side to side as though he’s searching for someone. I wonder if it’s me. Then he makes eye contact with me and looks away almost immediately.
Okay, so it’s not me.
“Alright then.” Jeremy coughs, wiping sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “I wanted you all here today to make an announcement.”
The crowd shifts impatiently. I glance at the giant clock on the wall. I have to start scrubbing in in half an hour. Jeremy better talk fast because he’s losing the crowd.
I count down from ten. When he still hasn’t gotten started, I give up and start to leave. But I’m hardly five steps away when Jeremy finally begins talking.
