Page 89 of Toxic Salvation
“It made no sense to me.” I can’t help boiling up with old frustration. “You loved him so much, but you weren’t willing to push him to fight for his life. It felt like you’d given up on him.”
“I just had more information than you did at the time.”
“How did you feel when he died?” I ask, then immediately wonder if there’s a better way to phrase that question.
“Lost. Hopeless. Scared. But mostly… relieved.” Mom closes her eyes. “Then guilty because I felt relieved. Then sad. Then lost all over again. The cycle never stopped. I knew you kids thought I couldn’t function without him. That I was still mourning him after all that time. But the truth was, I just didn’t know how to process those last few years. Everything was so confusing.”
“You didn’t want Vesper to do her residency at St. Raphael’s,” Waylen murmurs.
More puzzle pieces are falling into place for him. For me, too.
“I wasn’t sure what exactly was happening in that hospital, but I knew it wasn’t good.” Mom sighs heavily. “But you were so determined…”
“I accused you of wanting me to forget about Dad.” I feel terrible regret wash over me. “Oh, Mom?—”
“It’s okay, honey. I wasn’t giving you good reasons for avoiding that hospital. I understand why you were angry.”
“You could have told me the truth.”
Mom stares at me. “Would you have believed me?”
“Maybe not at first,” I admit. “But eventually…”
“Our relationship had already suffered, Vesper. I didn’t want to make it worse. And honestly, the main reason I didn’t tell you was because I wanted to preserve the memory you had of your father. I didn’t want you to hate him.”
I shake my head slowly. “I don’t know what I feel about him anymore. One thing I do know: I didn’t really know him. Not the way I thought I did.”
“You know what I learned through all this?”
Waylen and I both turn to her expectantly, hoping she might have some insight that could help us navigate this mess.
“I learned that the same person can be different things to different people. Yes, Thomas Fairfax was the villain in many people’s stories. But he was also a good husband in mine. He was a devoted father in yours. He loved me, and he loved you kids. He wasn’t all bad, all the time.”
It’s not the profound wisdom I was hoping for, but it rings true. I squeeze Mom’s hand. “Thanks, Mom.”
“I never thanked you,” she says, blinking back tears. “For risking your job to save me.”
“You didn’t want to be saved, though.” I hang my head. “I was being selfish. I was?—”
“Trying to make up for the fact that you couldn’t save your father?” Mom finishes gently. “It’s okay, darling. I understand why you did what you did.”
“It wasn’t what you wanted, though.”
“At the time, it wasn’t,” she admits. “But now, I see you and your brother, I see your belly getting bigger every day, I see you and Kovan and Luka together, and I can’t bear to miss it. For the first time in a long time, I can’t wait to see what comes next.”
“Yeah?” I whisper through my tears.
“Yeah.” Mom nods and reaches for Waylen’s hand with her free one. “It would be a shame for me to leave when the three of us are just learning how to talk to each other.”
“You’re right. That would be a shame,” Waylen agrees, taking her hand. “Does this mean we’re done being mad at each other?”
“I am,” Mom says firmly. “I want to enjoy whatever time I have left. I want to spend it with my kids and my grandkids. I want to watch my family grow while I’m still here to see it.”
“That sounds like a really good plan, Mom.” I let out a long, relieved breath. “Sounds like a good plan for all of us.”
The three of us sit there for a while, hands linked, finally feeling like a family again. Not the perfect family we once pretended to be, but the broken, flawed, imperfect version we actually are.
For the first time in a long time, that feels like enough.
