Page 14 of All That Glitters
“There was no other reason to get into me the way you did, no reason you couldn’t back the fuck off.”
“Jesus, Ash… You know me better than that.”
“I thought I did. Guess you thought you just needed to get me out of the way. If you do that and win over and over again, that’s more money for you, more sponsors, more recognition, maybe even a championship. Too bad you never saw the checkered flag before anyone else.”
“Do you hear yourself? I’d never do that to you on purpose. I’d never do that to anyone on purpose. I know how to handle a car.”
“Apparently not.”
“You’re mad because I walked away and you had to be life flighted? Is that it?”
“It’s fucking everything.”
“You really don’t want to know about the events from my point of view, do you? You’re just going to assume I wrecked you intentionally? Is that what got you through rehab? You know what? You were right when you walked in. Fuck you.”
“You telling me you weren’t jealous that I got my championship before you?”
“I told you I was happy for you. I meant it.” He raked his hand through his hair and started to walk toward the windows but turned and walked back, standing toe to toe with me. I didn’t know who was going to hit who first. “I’m just as good as you are, asshole. My father just doesn’t own the company I race for. Big fucking deal. I knew my time was coming. You winning the championship our first full season out there like that was motivation for me. I wanted a taste of that. I wanted that for myself, but not at the expense of you. I’m not that guy. And you damn well know I’m not.”
We stared at each other, both breathing heavily, anger fueling his words and fueling my stubborn silence. Everything he said was true. He was just as good as me and unlike me, he raced for a team that wasn’t owned by his father.
One of us needed to take a step back and within a few seconds of that thought, he did.
“I didn’t wreck you on purpose, Ash. It was an accident. I would do everything different if I could go back, but I can’t.”
“No.”
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean you don’t get to take my anger away like that.”
“So, what? You want to be mad just to be mad? Are you five years old?”
“You don’t know what it was like, what I went through to get back here, to get back to where I could stand in front of you like this.”
“You’re right, I don’t, but that doesn’t make what happened any less than the truth. I went in too hard and I couldn’t back out quick enough. I’m sorry.”
He was sorry.
If the look on his face was an indication, he was. He looked miserable and unhappy. He was normally smiling, cocky as shit, and the easiest one of us to get along with. All of it was absent and that pissed me off, too. It didn’t fit with the image I’d had in my head all these months.
“I don’t know what to do with these feelings inside, with this… Your mistake took everything from me,” I ground out, my voice shaking as hard as every muscle in my body was doing.
“It didn’t. Everything would’ve meant death. You’re still here. You’re alive, breathing, walking.”
The rage monster inside me didn’t want to hear it. It all made sense. What he said all made sense and part of me knew it for the truth it was, but I couldn’t let it affect me. I couldn’t let it sink in.
I didn’t know who I’d be without the anger I’d fostered in the hospital and all through physical therapy. I didn’t know who I’d be on the other side of it and it was all I had. It was what got me out of bed every day. It was what drove me to get back to where I was and be better. It was what would get me back in the car. If I didn’t have the anger holding me up, I was afraid I’d break.
“Have it your way, Ashton. Be mad. Be pissed. Whatever you’ve got to do. You know the truth and so does everyone else. It was a terrible accident. I wish it hadn’t happened. I can’t undo it. We can’t go back. We can only move on from it.”
The more sense he made, the more understanding he was, the more the red rage came back. I needed him to be the asshole that I’d made him out to be in my head since I woke up and remembered what had happened. I needed him to be the villain.
I didn’t need this Hale.
I fought for the numbness that often took over when the rage exhausted me and I was nearly there when a door on the other side of the room opened and a woman walked through.
Helen.
