Page 81 of All That Glitters
It hadn’t been part of any plan I had, but Jesus… Everything had become so complicated, so messed up. I’d put something in motion that I had no idea how to get out of without hurting the one person I hadn’t planned on causing additional pain… Me. Myself. And I.
If I was honest, which I didn’t want to be, but if I was, I’d admit that nothing had turned out the way I’d expected. Nothing had gone the way I thought it would. Not from the moment of conception to the first time I touched Helen to the conversation last night to her falling asleep in my lap with her head on my shoulder.
We hadn’t fucked, either. I wanted to. She wanted to, but there in the chair, straddling my thighs, she’d settled her head against my shoulder and before long, her breathing had evened out and her weight had settled against me. I hadn’t even thought about waking her up and telling her leave. I’d simply worked us out of the chair, which there was nothing simple about, and that had taken more strength than I imagined having but showed me that if I put my mind to something, if I wanted something bad enough, that I would figure out a way.
So what was wrong with me and getting in a race car? Didn’t I want it bad enough?
Helen mentioned going for a midnight drive last night. I couldn’t say why it angered me the way it had. Fear and anger were the two emotions I was most intimate with now. I used to have an ego the size of Texas and more than enough confidence to overflow its borders, but now… I couldn’t find either one. I couldn’t find my way back. I was more lost than I wanted to acknowledge and I had no idea what I was going to do.
Clearly asking Helen to help me… I didn’t even know what I’d expected her to do. I was beyond the help of a friend, no matter how much I trusted her.
And yet… Her presence calmed me, comforted me. I think she knew it, too.
I imposed upon her and she let me.
How was I supposed to let her go?
Even if I wanted to, how was I supposed to do it? Because in the span of a few days, a week, my focus had shifted. Sure, I still wanted Hale to pay and I wanted him to fear losing everything that mattered to him in his world, but there was something more happening inside me.
The longer I sat there, staring out at the vastness of the ocean, my thoughts wandered back to the conversation with Helen before she fell asleep.
Was I going to let Hale win? Was I going to let him beat me?
Shit. Was there anything left of me to beat?
When I thought back on that confrontation with him in the front room of their house… I hadn’t wanted his explanations. I hadn’t wanted his apologies. I hadn’t wanted… I didn’t know what I wanted or what I’d expected.
In all the years I’d known him, we’d never fought. Competed, yes. Drove each other crazy, yes. Disagreed from time to time, yes. But we’d never fought, never yelled, never went more than a couple of days without speaking in some way. He’d been my best friend. My ride or die and my life without him… There was a hole in my chest. I hated it, but I didn’t know how to make any of it right. I didn’t know how to fix things. I didn’t know what to do with the need to hurt him and the need to hug him close.
And I’d put Helen in the middle of us. I’d put Helen in a no-win position between me and her brother. I didn’t deserve her. At all. But that didn’t mean I was going to give her up, either.
I planted my feet and started to rise when the buzzing of the smart watch on my wrist stopped me. I didn’t recognize the number and started to let it go to voicemail because who would be calling at barely eight in the morning, but figured what the hell…
“Hello?”
“Oh. I didn’t expect anyone to answer. Um… Hi. My name is Amber Cox. I’m trying to reach Ashton Glitterati.”
Her voice didn’t sound familiar and her name didn’t ring any bells.
“Well, Amber Cox, today is your lucky day. You’ve reached him. What can I do for you?”
Helen
It was eight thirty-three and I had no idea where Ashton was. He wasn’t in the cottage when I’d woken up, or after I’d gotten out of the shower. There wasn’t a note that I could find anywhere and I wasn’t a fan of snooping through other people’s things, even though I desperately wanted to snoop through his.
Should I stay or should I go?
Maybe he’d gone up to his parents’ house. Maybe he was in the garage. Maybe he’d… I had no idea, but I’d chosen to wait for a while, fix a pot of coffee, and do a little work on some sponsorships, some contracts, and answer a ton of emails.
If I could stay busy and if I could keep my mind on my job, then I wouldn’t have as much time to dwell on the fact that I didn’t want to do what I was doing.
I didn’t want to be in marketing, but I’d given it a hundred and twenty percent since college.
Hale didn’t go. Ashton didn’t go. Brax did, though. And so did I.
Brax studied mechanical engineering.
I studied business with an emphasis on sports and entertainment management.
