Page 89 of The Close-Up
His jaw bulges right as I clamp my mouth shut so I don’t spew off another flippant comment.
“We’re friends, Naomi. We’ve navigated and talked through a lot of awkward things since we’ve known each other. All that and we’re still solid.” His chest rises with a breath. “What do you want to do? Do you want to talk or run away?”
Right now every muscle in my body, my heart, my lungs, my skin, my bones, wants to run as far away from this room as possible. But I know what the right answer is. Staying and talking.
I walk over to the coffee table and set my purse and camera bag down. I look at Simon.
“I want to stay and talk.”
The corner of his mouth lifts slightly. “Would you be patient enough to let me piss first?”
I smile and nod. He crawls out of bed and walks into the bathroom, and I take a seat on the foot of the bed and wait for him. He walks back out and stands in front of me, stark naked. I focus on his eyes, though.
“I know you hate it when I go all therapist on you, but it’s kind of what I do.”
The corners of my mouth quirk up at his phrasing.
“Can I tell you what I’m thinking?” he asks.
“Sure.”
He settles down next to me. “It seems like you’re expecting us to fail before we’ve even started up because every other relationship you’ve had has failed.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it.”
He pauses, like he’s choosing his words carefully. “Remember what you said to me when we were drinking at the hotel bar after you found out about Brody getting Laura pregnant? How you said that it felt like no matter what you did, there must be something wrong with you because you’ve never been able to have a loving, lasting relationship?”
I nod.
“I think that you’re being really hard on yourself. And you shouldn’t be.”
“I’m just speaking the truth.” I shrug as I say it, it comes so easily. Like an automatic defense.
He shakes his head, the look on his face the slightest bit pained. “Look, I know that it’s easy for me to sit here as an observer and say that you shouldn’t feel that way. It’s a lot harder to internalize that, actually believe it, and act on it.”
His gently spoken words land in the center of my chest.
“You’re right,” I say softly. “Itishard.”
“We can take this a little at a time. No pressure, no expectations.”
“I’m just...really, really scared.”
“Scared of what?” he asks lacing his fingers in mine.
“Of where we go from here... What we’re supposed to do now.”
“What do you mean by ‘supposed to do’?”
I glance down and with my free hand fumble with the hem of his shirt that I’m wearing before looking at him. “You’re an amazing friend. And so great to work with. And as it turns out, we have mind-blowing sex together.”
That last bit earns me a small smile. It makes the pressure in my chest dissipate the tiniest bit.
“It’s just...there’s a lot of amazingness happening between us right now.” I power through the urge to flinch at my god-awful phrasing. “I’ve never had things go so well before with someone. And it’s just...as good as it feels, it’s also unnerving. It’s hard for me to handle that feeling, especially after I’ve had so many relationships crash and burn.” I pause and look him straight in the eye. “When failure is all you know, you get scared of success because it feels so different. It almost feels wrong.”
I let out a quiet breath, hoping I don’t sound as ridiculous as I think I do.
Simon’s expression eases. “I get it. Thank you for being open about how you’re feeling. I know it’s really scary to talk about. But we don’t have to come up with some sort of elaborate game plan. Last night happened because it felt right. It felt natural. Didn’t it?”
