Page 81 of Simmer Down
My heart lodges in my throat. It also ceases beating. “What are you...”
His chest heaves with a single breath, and his hazel eyes lock onme. He steps forward and takes my face in his hands. Instantly I’m calm, I’m soft, I’m at ease.
“I want to be with you, Nikki. I want to stay here in Maui and give us a proper shot.” His voice is a cross between a whisper and a growl. Soft and scratchy.
“But that’s not what we agreed to.”
His hands fall away from me. Confusion takes over his formerly affectionate expression. “I know that, but... Don’t you feel this thing between us?”
I feel it every time I see him, every time he’s in the vicinity, every time I see his name light up my phone screen. It’s all proof of just how much this thing between us has grown. I care for Callum more than I’ve cared for anyone I’ve ever been with.
But I can’t do more than what we’re doing now. That would require a commitment, an emotional investment. It would require me steeling myself for the inevitable day that I lose him. And I don’t have the strength to do that.
Callum continues to gaze at me, eyes hopeful, waiting for me to say that yes, I feel every single thing he feels right now.
But all I do is shake my head.
“I know you feel something for me, Nikki.” His stare and his voice turn determined. “I can tell by the way you melt against me every time I touch you. I can tell by how happy you are every time we’re together. I can tell by the way you looked at me in the hot tub that night, when I started to tell you how I felt about you—about us. I can tell that I mean something to you. You’re just scared to commit because of what happened with your dad.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s so bloody obvious you’re scared of getting close to someone, of losing someone again.” He tugs a hand through his hair, an outward display of the frustration that’s clearly coursing within him.
“Don’t!” My voice booms through the festival noise. Callum has no business bringing up my dad in a situation that’s strictly me and him. I can’t believe he would even try. “Don’t say another word about my dad. And don’t try to armchair diagnose me.”
In two steps he’s close to me again. “It’s okay to be scared, Nikki. I’m scared too.” His face, his tone, it’s all soft now. “But fuck it, I want to give us a shot. Because that’s what you do when you lo—”
For a split second, his eyes widen, but then he reins it in quickly when he furrows his brow and pulls his lips into his mouth.
I can’t unhear what he said. The beginnings of the “L” word.
“What did you say?” My voice is a scratchy whisper.
His chest heaves when he takes a breath, and then he takes my hand in his. “I... I’m in love with you,” he finally says.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Just a shudder of a breath. My hand goes limp in his. It’s lucky he’s holding on to me, because his words are an invisible truck hitting me at full speed. I’d be facedown in the dirt if I were standing on my own.
Callum is in love with me.
Callum is in love with me.
No matter how many times I silently repeat it to myself, it still rattles me to the core.
“You... you’re in love with me?”
My brain flashes back to our last night together, to the last words he spoke before I fell asleep.
I hold my hand up at him. “Wait. The other night... did you say...”
He nods. “I said I loved you. But you were asleep.”
The words send shock waves through my body and brain that are so powerful, all other sensations are rendered null and void. He leans forward until our bodies press together, and then he runs his hand through my hair before settling back onto my cheek.
It’s a long moment of us standing and staring. Opening and closing my mouth does no good, because zero words materialize. It’s his touch. It has some sort of mythical hold on me, and I need to think clearly in this moment. I step back and out of his reach.
The wrinkles in his forehead deepen. “I can’t take another second of pretending like I don’t love you. Fuck this bloody contest, fuck all this food truck nonsense. I don’t care about this ridiculous festival or who wins or loses or the money or where I’ll be able to park from now on. I couldn’t care less about some random place where Finn and I can sling food. All I care about is being with you. Can’t we...” He pauses, his chest rising with a single breath, his throat moving with a single swallow. “Can’t we just forget about all this and be together?”
His words take a moment to soak in, but once they do, I want to scream until my lungs implode.
