Page 96 of Simmer Down
This time when I breathe, I feel as light as the breeze flowing in through the window. Everything I’ve been holding in, everything I’ve been hiding, every secret that’s been cooking me from the inside out these past few months is out. It’s the most freeing feeling.
I finally let myself look at her phone screen. My eyes bulge when I see that several thousand people are currently viewing this livestream.
And then I decide to go with this newfound open attitude and look straight at the screen. “Any questions?”
It only takes a few seconds for the first question to pop up.
Penelope leans in to read it aloud. “Do you still keep in contact with Callum?”
For a second I contemplate answering with “not really,” since I have technically spoken to Callum since our breakup... just not recently. But that answer is sure to garner a wave of speculativefollow-up questions that could lead to even more rumors, so I squash it. Instead I just shake my head and say, “No.”
“Do you know where he is? What he’s doing now?” Penelope reads.
“Unfortunately not.”
She hesitates before reading the next question. “Do you think there’s any hope of reconciliation for you two?”
“I... I hope so.”
“Do you love Callum?” Penelope practically winces when she reads it. She knows the answer. I told her. But she also knows how heartbreaking it is for me to bring up the word “love” when it comes to Callum because of how badly I messed things up the one time he told me he loved me.
I can feel my answer in every bone, every muscle, every beat of my heart, every inhale, every exhale, every blink. When it’s this deep inside, it’s obvious on the outside too. It’s in my eyes, my body language, the tone in which I speak. I bet every single person watching me now can tell I’m still in love with Callum. Because I am. And I hope when he sees this, he’ll believe me.
“Yes, I do love him.”
“Is one more question okay?” Penelope asks in a gentle whisper.
I nod.
“If you could say anything to Callum right now, what would you say?”
“I would tell him that I’m sorry for how I hurt him, that I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him.” I pause to steady my voice. “I would tell him that my biggest regret in life is not giving us a fair shot when he asked me to. And if I could go back and do things differently, I would in a heartbeat.”
With the last of my words comes more silence. I blink, and thencome the tears. Just a few, and I quickly wipe them away. But I’m not embarrassed. I didn’t anticipate crying today, but I did. Because I was open and honest and free. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. That’s me being me.
I sniffle, wiping my nose on my arm. “I think that’s all I can manage. Sorry.”
Penelope’s eyes glisten with tears when she looks at me. “Don’t be sorry.” Then she hugs me. “You’re amazing, Nikki,” she whispers in my ear. “I’m so, so proud of you.”
When she lets me go, she wipes her eyes then addresses the phone screen. “Well, that’s it, everyone. Thanks for joining us.”
Penelope ends the video just as Mom hurries over to hug me too. “I’m so proud of you,anak. Callum will love it.” She sniffles, then leans away so she can cup my face in her hands. Tears shine in her eyes. “I just know it.”
Doubt lingers at the back of my mind. My grand romantic gesture of publicly declaring my love for Callum was a risky call for sure, but I had to try. Now all that’s left is to wait and see what he does.
Penelope zips to the bathroom while Mom announces she’s going to fry up somelumpiato ease our nerves after such a tense event. I stand next to her in the kitchen and help her with the prep.
“Our girl really put herself out there today, Harold. For love,” she says as she dunks a half dozenlumpiain hot oil. “You’d be so proud of her.”
Chapter 22
I weave my way through the booths at the Aloha Maui Farmer’s Market in a daze. Three days since my romantic grand gesture and no word from Callum. Penelope even saved my live video on her Instagram highlights in case he didn’t catch it right away. But it doesn’t look like he’s going to see it at all. If that’s not a crystal clear sign that I’ve misread absolutely everything about us, then I don’t know what is.
I survey the array of fruits, vegetables, and other yummy goods surrounding me to distract myself from that sobering fact. Keeping busy in the aftermath of his silent rejection is a must. Even though we were never officially together, our time apart hurts worse than when I called it quits with any past boyfriend. Filling my time with work, menu planning for Travaasa Hana, farmer’s market visits, and spending time with Penelope is the way I cope.
Swimming at Big Beach helps too. No more early morning swims at Little Beach though. Too much of a risk of running into Callum. Given his radio silence, he’s made it abundantly clear he wants nothing to do with me.
I survey alilikoiat a nearby stand, wondering if the passion fruitsemifreddoI’m planning to serve for dessert at Travaasa Hana will wow like I hope. It’s two weeks until my first solo dinner service, and I want to blow everyone away.
