Page 94 of Wild Side
It was petty of me, but I told him she doesn’t come around often, even though I’d let her visit last time he was out of town. Made it sound as though she’s so focused on her own life that she’s practically forgotten about Milo and me. May not have cast her in the kindest light.
But she’s gotten so much in life. She can’t have this too. I don’t want her to come here, bringing up old Erika where new Erika is making her fresh start. It’s easier to have Emerald Lake be free of all that shit.
At any rate, I ended up telling Rhys about my addiction issues to help explain the situation. He listened and let me talk it out without interjecting at all. I think it was therapeutic to get it off my chest. There’s something so steady about him. So compassionate. He thanked me for sharing with him and hugged me when I got it all off my chest.
Today was a good reminder that I can’t have Tabitha visit when he’s in town.
It’s a view into her head that isn’t mine to take. And yet… a part of me gets it. I just never saw my presence that way. I did the best I knew how with a situation I wasn’t properly prepared to navigate.
It also shows me the turning point when Erika came to visit more often, the time when she started saying her landlord didn’t like her having visitors. In retrospect, she became secretive, and I interpreted it as busy and happy and just… thriving.
And maybe she was, but her fixation on Rhys takes a different turn. And as the year passes, so does her tone. She’s agitated. Cutting in her words.
Still, I read on.
Rhys bailed me out AGAIN with a childcare mishap. Today I worked late, so he had to do bedtime. I wasn’t sure how it would go, but when I came home, the house was quiet. I tiptoed upstairs, eager to see Milo and worried I might wake him.
That’s when I saw Rhys, standing over his crib, big hand laid over his tiny chest, singing him “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”
Watching them brought on tears, so I snuck back downstairs and locked myself in the bathroom to hide. I don’t know what it was specifically. It was just sweet. Got me right in the feels.
They were happy tears. They made me want that nuclear family for Milo. But when I asked Rhys to stay for a drink, he politely declined. The look on his face said it all.
It made me realize he only comes around when Milo is here.
It made me realize this may not be going where I hoped it would.
Which is fine.
Whatever,
Erika
That entry makes me wince. Thewhateverhits differently on the heels of her realization. Thatwhateveris a turning point.
Today Rhys overheard me on the phone telling Tabitha that I was exhausted and feeling down. Not an hour later, he showed up at the front door with a bottle of glycerin bubbles in hand and his signature harmless scowl perfectly in place. He played bubbles with Milo in the backyard, so I could take a nap.
I’m mature enough to keep things in friend territory, and I needed a break. Toddlers are no joke.
When I woke up, we chatted. I don’t know if he was feeling bad about the way he quietly turned me down the other night, but he ended up telling me that he’s a professional wrestler. Like orange tans, greasy muscles, fake fights, and cringe interviews.
I burst out laughing when he told me, and I’m still giggling as I write this. He’d mentioned before he worked in the entertainment industry, and Ididn’t press because, well, he’s my landlord. Didn’t particularly want him digging into my past.
But I guess we were exchanging secrets, and this was his. Now I get why he wouldn’t want to tell people.
Maybe this will be less funny tomorrow.
I bristle, feeling defensive. He told her outright, whereas I had to pry it from him. And sure, it’s entertainment, but the bruises on his body are not fake. If nothing else, I feel relieved that I’ve never mocked him for what he does. It’s probably why he didn’t want to tell me in the first place.
If Erika were here, I’d kick her in the box. This is the side of her that was “too cool” for so many things. Too cool for school. Too cool for volleyball. Too cool for family events. This is the underlying attitude that got so much worse when the drugs came into play. I vividly remember the eye rolls and the cutting mockery that became almost constant. Those were the precursors that led to distance before she pulled away completely.
I decided that the best way to get over Rhys was to get under someone else. And I did. One town over, I met Tyson. He’s lanky in that Tommy Lee way and hung like him too. He’s raw and edgy. He’s exciting. I had the time of my life.
Rhys watched Milo for me, and when I came home looking mussed, all he did was smile and say he was glad I had fun.
I think deep down I was hoping to make him jealous.
It didn’t work.
