Page 110 of Playing the Game
I wish there was a way around it. That’s most likely why I went back and forth between them for so long. At least, that’s what I’m realizing through therapy.
I’ve always struggled with my parents this way. Theywould fight and make Aiden and me pick sides. I hated hurting my parents when that would happen.
The manipulation they used to get us to choose was cruel, pitting us against the other parent. I loved them both, but I wasn’t allowed to show it.
That never mattered to them. It was always a choice I had to make. I picked the one who was causing the least amount of stress for me. It was easier that way.
If it got too difficult, I would lock myself in my bedroom and avoid them altogether. That would happen more often as the years went on. It’s a toxic pattern I’m ready to break.
I need to thank Mel for getting me to book my appointments. Who knows what kind of chaos I would have created if I hadn’t? I laugh at that thought. Who am I kidding? I created a lifetime of turmoil.
Hopefully, through therapy, I’ll get these issues resolved, and Jami and I can live a happy life together.
As I process my morning, I consider Jami’s question. What do I want to do if Hunter gets my job back? On one hand, I would jump at the chance, but Jami’s right. We deserve some peace.
My insides clench. Peace. We won’t have any of that once we tell Aiden we’re together.
He’s been out on assignment for a while now. Usually, he’s returning home about this time, but I can’t be sure this assignment will be the same as his other ones.
I finish my breakfast and do the dishes. It’s getting close to the time I need to leave to meet Mel, so I go upstairs to say goodbye to Jami. His voice carries, making me aware he’s still on his call.
I turn and stare at the door to the nursery. It’s closed like it always is.
If I’m going to make this work with Jami, I need to face my fears about getting pregnant—no better time than right now.
I push open the door and go inside. Tears prick the corners of my eyes.
Why is this so difficult?
I wrap my arms around myself as my gaze sweeps the room. It’s such a beautiful nursery. My heart aches for all it represents. All those hopes and dreams were taken away in one life-changing moment.
Is the door always closed because Jami can’t stomach the sight?
Maybe it brings on too many terrible memories. The pain he must have endured.
How can I prevent hurting him more when it comes to having kids?
“When does it get easier?” I mumble.
Jami’s arms glide around my waist. He places one of his palms on my lower abdomen. “I don’t know, but I have to believe it will.”
I sink against his chest as he holds me.
He runs his hand in a circular motion across my belly. “Just so you know, I want this with you.”
My eyes close, and my breath stills.
How do I have this talk?
“Dori, what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
I turn and face him. My eyes sting as tears threaten to fall. “What if I can’t give you that?”
The same look he had in his eyes when I was crying during the ultrasound because I knew something was wrong appears in his baby blues.
He shakes his head. “What do you mean?”
“We haven’t talked about having kids much.”
