Page 131 of Playing For Keeps
“You’re turned on by thoughts of getting me pregnant?”
“Yeah. Images of your belly swollen with my kid inside turns me on more than anything.” He takes a sip of his scotch while giving me time to come to terms with that.
I let the thought roll around in my head while trying to identify how I feel about his disclosure. Getting pregnant doesn’t freak me out like it used to. I already came to that conclusion today, so this isn’t the uncomfortable conversation it would’ve been if it scared me.
He breaks into my thoughts. “Look, I’ve already told you I won’t force you to carry my babies. I know that’s too much for you.”
“Jami, we haven’t talked about it since we first got together. How do you know what I think about it now?”
He places his glass down. “What are you saying?”
“Melanie asked me about having kids today. For the first time since I lost our baby, I didn’t want to run and hide. I was calm about it.”
He rounds the bar and sits beside me, turning my stool sowe’re face-to-face. “And you were so brave today when you told Tera about our loss. I was proud of you for expressing yourself so well.”
“It’s still painful, and I think it always will be, but I’m rethinking my decision about carrying our child.”
His eyes shut, and his entire body relaxes.
Wow. Me having his babies is way more important to him than he’s let on.
I wait for him to open his eyes.
Seconds later, they do. “I know you’re not saying you’ve changed your mind, but hearing you say you're considering it means the world to me.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why is it so important to you it’s me who carries our child? You told me you’re okay with surrogacy, but I’m not so sure you are.”
He takes my hands in his. “I want to be clear. I am fine with surrogacy, but the thought of caring for you while your stomach grows makes me have these intense feelings of connection with you. It’s like I’ll be a part of the experience.”
“Because you want to be close to your family from the start.” I squeeze his hands, finally understanding where he’s coming from.
“Exactly. I want to go to sleep next to the two most important people in my life. I want to wake up and hug you both and talk to your belly so the baby knows who I am the day it’s born. Every stage of pregnancy, from helping you through morning sickness, the first time it kicks, to the birth, I want to be there.”
My heart fills with warmth at his sentiment. How could I be so blind to his needs? He has no family left.
Once I marry him, it’s only me. I can’t deprive him of something so profound and innate as him wanting to bondwith his child and let it know he loves it from the time it starts developing.
He’s gone through so much for me, and I love him with every cell in my body. Agreeing to this would allow me to give to him what he gives to me. Unwavering belief and trust in us. Love that is unstoppable and deeply intertwined. It’s the ultimate gift.
I slide off my stool and climb into his lap, straddling him. “I have an appointment this week with my new doctor, so I’ll talk to her then to see if it’s even possible. But I want to have your babies grow inside me. If my body cooperates, I want to try to get pregnant again.”
He grips the back of my head and kisses me hard. I don’t need to hear the words. He’s telling me everything I need to know with his body. With my willingness to try for him, I’ve made him the happiest man alive.
He carries me to our room moments later so we can celebrate in our favorite way.
I just hope my body doesn't let him down.
I snap my seat belt on and suck in a shaky breath. My nerves are messing with me today, but I had a therapy session about getting pregnant again, and she warned me this could happen.
Jami revs the engine and pulls out of our parking garage. “You’re quiet today. Are you okay?”
“Um-hmm. Just trying to stay calm.”
“Remember, I’m here for you. And no matter what she says, I support you. Your health comes first, and that includes your mental health.”
