Page 88 of Playing With Secrets
She follows me around my kitchen with her gaze. “I understand what you’re saying, but I want to be able to do things together. You go to dinner with Melanie and Ava. Why can’t we do that?”
“If you don’t know the difference between me going to dinner with them and going to dinner with you, then you don’t understand me at all.” I continue to scour the kitchen for snacks.
She pauses for a moment, seeming to consider what I said as she takes another sip of wine. “You should know I’m not with Hunter.”
I stop what I’m doing. “How did that happen?”
At least he’s keeping his end of the bargain so far. I didn’t think he would be able to do it.
“I told him I needed time apart. All he and I can do is hang out in a private place. There’s a ton of romantic pressure, and I don’t like it.”
“I can’t say I blame you.”
She twists off the stool and comes to my side. “I miss you, Jami.”
“Dori… I can’t do this.”
“What? We’re talking and working things out so we can be friends again.” She says one thing, but her eyes are beggingme to kiss her.
My pulse accelerates and my chest suddenly tightens. I’m about to grab her and force her against the counter while I make out with her and taste her sweet mouth. Instead, I swallow and step aside.
“We are friends. We’ll always be friends.” I open the refrigerator and grab some cheese.
She turns her body while leaning on the counter. “Is that all it will ever be? Friends that say hi as they pass each other in the hall?”
“Jesus Christ, Dori. A month ago, we were so close to being something more. It got destroyed in one night. I don’t know how you expect me to go from that to whatever it is you’re asking me for right now.”
“But things can change if you want them to.”
I toss the cheese on the island and shake my head. “I don’t work like you do. My feelings don’t ebb and flow like the ocean tide.”
Her posture softens as she glances down. She sags like a dying flower trying to hang on for one more day. “I guess I finally broke us.”
Seeing her look so hopeless makes my insides clamp down. Most of me wants to take her in my arms and tell her we’ll be fine, but I’m still grieving.
If I hold her, all my pain will resurface and I’ll seek comfort in her arms. It’ll confuse the fuck out of both of us.
“Look, we’re not broken. It’s just that I’m still working through what happened. Like I said to you that day, losing our baby hurt me too. You don’t know how much I wanted…” Unexpected turmoil gets caught in my throat.
I swallow it and retreat to the family room. I sit on my sofa and stare at the floor while running my hands over my face.
The morning Aiden and I entered her loft, and she was in bed with Hunter, takes center stage in my head. Rememberingwhat she did the night before causes bile to churn in my stomach.
Fuck, if she puts me through something like that ever again, it would bury me alive. The worst part is I can’t walk away from her. She has my soul in her hands and I’ll forever be at her mercy.
The cushion dips as she sits next to me and runs her warm hand over my back. “I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I did to you. There’s no excuse in the world for it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I stay bent over because if I sit up, I’ll let her ease my pain any way she wants.
“We need to or else we’ll never get through it. You’ll end up putting walls up so high, I’ll never be able to get over them.” Her hand moves to the far side of my back and she leans in as she hugs me.
I sink into it and allow her to give it to me. If I’m being honest, I need it more than anything. Since the day we found out she was pregnant, I haven’t had any form of physical interaction with a woman. I’m starving for it.
As she hugs me, my agony starts to break away. Maybe we can find our way back to a place where we trust each other.
It’s where I’ve been trying to get to since she came to my office and wanted to clear the air. I want it, but we have a long way to go before we get there.
I sit straight and turn to her. “My walls aren’t up high, Dori. If anything, they’re too low.”
