Page 20 of Playing With Secrets
The nurse takes the notes and reads them. “She’s six weeks along. Almost seven.”
The doctor goes back to working through my insides with the wand, and the pressure goes higher. She studies one side and then moves to the next.
Jami holds my hand while his other hand runs over his beard repeatedly. His eyes are stuck to the screen. He's clearly disturbed and barely breathing.
“I can confirm you have endometriosis. Let’s talk about this pain you’re having. Is it all over, or can you pinpoint it?” Dr. Ring continues to press the instrument higher.
“It usually starts on the left, but it makes its way down.” My heart pumps faster as I get a sinking feeling in my gut.
“And you’ve had no spotting or bleeding?” She takes another sweep higher on the left side.
“No,” I whisper.
Right as I say it, she stops moving. She examines something, types a few letters, and makes a line across a specific area. She takes a few still pictures of it.
My gaze flits to Jami’s. He’s still staring at the screen, but he senses my eyes on him. He swallows and peers down at me, forcing a smile.
My love balloon pops and my chest heats as tears race their way into my eyes. One slips out and trickles off the side of my face and into my hair.
He wipes it away with his thumb and shakes his head. His eyes gloss over and he glances away to hide his reaction.
Dr. Ring does a few more things as I wait for her to find the embryonic sac. There isn’t one in my uterus. I just don’tknow why. She told me I was pregnant, so my brain is seeking something that makes sense.
She pulls the wand out of me and wipes away the lubrication. The nurse shuts down the machine and moves it away while keeping her head down.
“Let me help you up.” Dr. Ring holds out her hand and pulls me to a seated position.
My body empties as my world comes crashing down. Jami sits next to me in the chair with his head hung low. I already know what’s coming, so I try to go somewhere out of my body.
If only I could bolt out of this room and out of the building before I have to endure my heart being ripped out of my chest, I might survive. I need to be numb for this conversation.
Dr. Ring’s voice floats with sympathy. “You have an ectopic pregnancy. It won’t survive and it’s life-threatening if we leave it untreated.”
I nod and stare down at my hands. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t think it would be this. Tears fall, but I cry in silence. Jami bends over his legs and rubs his face.
“We'll need to administer a shot that stops the pregnancy from progressing. We’ll monitor you and your hormone levels closely to ensure it’s effective and that you’re out of harm's way.” She pauses and glances between us. “I’m sorry for the bad news. Do you have any questions?”
“Will she be safe through all this? She’s not going to hemorrhage or anything that could—” He chokes on his words and can’t finish talking.
“We’ll be monitoring her closely. For now, we need to set up the administration of the medication and get her hormone levels recorded. I’ll leave you two for a minute while I get that set up. Administering the medication needs to be done immediately.” She stands and leaves the room.
My pain mixes with Jami’s, creating a pool of unbearableanguish. It takes all but three seconds before he has me buried in his chest, holding me tighter than ever before. We don’t say a word.
Agony rips into us and draws out our cries. I cling to his shirt as his shoulders shake. We weep into each other until we’re both covered and wet with the other’s tears.
Unspoken dreams of what we could’ve had get stripped away with no reprieve. Grief reaches through the dirt and pulls us into a suffering that asphyxiates us with its filth.
We take turns clamoring for desperate air, but the oxygen it takes to live is thin and limited. Neither one of us is getting enough to fill our lungs.
The doctor comes back a while later and explains the procedure while we try to put our broken pieces back together. Jami gets all the follow-up information, warning signs, and a list of things I’m not allowed to eat, drink, or do.
At this point, it doesn’t matter. I just want to go home and sleep for the next three months. I’ve been through this before and that’s about the time it took me to be able to breathe again.
Jami takes a pillow off my bed and brings it to me, where I’m lying on the couch. “Aiden thinks we’re working late. That gives us a few hours before he’ll start wondering where I am.”
I take the pillow from him and place it behind my head. “Aiden sent me a text a minute ago. He said he was going out for a while but didn’t say what he was doing.
“Melanie sent me a message right after and asked if I cared if she went out with him. I told her to take her time and keep him out late.”
