Page 52 of Playing With Secrets
“That’s great. I’m right back to where I started when I came in here.” She hangs her head.
I assess them. Their moods are low. Something about their conversation has them feeling pessimistic about life and what lies ahead.
It makes me consider what mine would look like without them. My stomach tightens and grief pulses through my blood.
Jami gestures to me. “Why don’t you tell Dori what you were explaining to me?”
Melanie raises her gaze to mine, but doesn’t say anything.
“Dori’s the one you wanted to have the conversation with anyway. She’s sitting right in front of you, so there’s no time like the present.” He pushes off his desk and strides over to his bookshelf, giving Melanie and me some space.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” I relax my stance and become the friend she knows me to be.
She peers over at me. “I miss you. I miss our talks and going out. We haven’t even gone to work out together. If I did something to piss you off, just tell me. I can handle that a lot better than the silent treatment you’ve been giving me.”
“Oh, Mel. I’m not upset with you. It’s just I’m… I’ve been…” I can’t finish my sentence. If I do, everything will bubble up to the surface and I’ll break.
“You’ve been what? Tell me. You used to trust me with this kind of stuff.” She rests her arms on her legs, giving me her full attention.
I swallow and glance at Jami. We make eye contact. In a second, he knows exactly what I need.
“I’ve got to talk with Jonah about his last request. We’ll be awhile, so use my office and take all the time you need.” He dips his head toward us, then walks out, closing the door behind him.
“Dori, please talk to me. I promise I won’t say anything sarcastic or without care to your feelings.”
I smirk and half laugh. “You’re ready to change yourself just to get me to talk?”
“If that’s what you need.” She smiles hopefully. “Try me. I could surprise you.”
“I don’t want you to change who you are. I love you the way you are. You’re my other half and keep me balanced. If you change, we’ll be lopsided.”
“In that case, I’ll be myself. But if you need me to back off, just tell me. I don’t want you to shut down and leave me out anymore.”
“I’m not purposely leaving you out of anything. My life flipped upside down and I’ve had a hard time finding the right side to land on.”
“How did it flip upside down?”
I cross my arms and search for the right words. I canbarely talk about this stuff in therapy. And telling Mel about it has been impossible.
She may not know how to handle this with care, but I need to learn how to deal with it. This one really hurts, though.
“When I got sick. That changed everything. Jami and I can’t be in the same room because he’s hurting so much. I haven’t been able to work out, which has me not knowing what to do with all this pent-up energy, so I’ve shut down. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Start with your doctor’s appointment and fill me in. Otherwise, I’ll miss a bunch of things I need to know.”
That day barrels in and I collapse into myself. The pain is too much, but I try to be the friend she needs me to be.
“As you’re aware, Jami took me. That part was fine. They told me I had a UTI that still hasn’t gone away, but they are using a stronger antibiotic now, so there’s hope.”
“This can’t all be over a UTI.”
“No, it’s not. I also have endometriosis. It puts me at a higher risk of having a miscarriage if I ever get pregnant.”
Mel nods like she understands. “You told me when you miscarried in college it was a really dark time in your life. Is that what you’re afraid of?”
I huff a laugh. “Terrified, more like it. I can’t go through another one, Mel. It would kill me.”
“I’m sorry.” She takes a minute to consider something. “Is that why you’ve been so distant?”
